Think MLC should be my new home

[cat04]

Rae,

You have some anger. Which is completly normal and understandable considering...

When I was 21, I decided to start counseling because I thought I needed it.

I had one session. I didn't go back because I didn't like what the woman had asked me after listening to me talk for a while.

She asked me if H (at the time boyfriend) hit me.

He hadn't at that point. I could not understand what I had said that made her think I was being abused. I had never been hit by anyone (save twice by my parents) in my whole life.

When I received the final bomb in 08, I had anger that spilled out into every part of my life. I started looking at myself, my interactions with H, my life. I realized then that he had verbally abused me throught out our entire relationship.

He had done it and I hadn't really even recognized it. At first I was angry at him. As I really examined it though, it's progression in the R, I realized that I had allowed that. And I got angrier. I finally realized that most of the anger I was feeling, wasn't directed at him but at myself. For being so weak. For allowing myself to be treated that way.

And I remembered things that as the years went on, I had said to him. There had come a point, before the bombs, when his words hurt me so much, his criticism hurt me so deeply, that I actually begged him to stop talking and just beat me.

That is how deeply the verbal abuse damaged me. I would have preferred physical blows to words.

Pretty pathetic huh?

That was when the digging started for me in earnest. I took on the attitude that you have now. I will do this, until I can't.

Honestly, I had to fix myself, really fix myself, before I could worry about anything else.

Once I did that, it was much easier to look at the real problems in the R, and him, and make choices and decisions that were the right ones for me.

To lay boundaries, even some just within my own mind, about what I would like for me. My life. That was key in me deciding what I was going to do moving forward.

I'm a pretty strict mom, actually. They would fall over to hear me called lenient.

He never lets D16 leave the house. D16 has zero freedom right now. For the time being, I support whatever he says, which is ALWAYS no. If she hate his guts, that's his problem. I am done trying to mediate between them.

It's lenient to think it's ok for an almost 17 year old to go to McDonald's with her friends? All girls? What gave you the idea that I want any of my girls to date period?

D15 was allowed to go to the movies with her female friend who is 18 and is staying the night with her.

Isn't it interesting though that the other kids can usually do things within reason? It's only her that he argues with. Only her that he criticizes. I'm noticing that I only undermine him when it comes to her.

D16 and D15 have never smoked, never drank alcohol, never had sex. Why the difference?

She's convinced that he hates her bc of the time lost with his dad. I'm running out of words to defend him.

I had girls night at a friends house and I received a text from her saying...

mom, I know that dad has had a hard time losing his dad, but he is so mean that I am starting to hate him. Really hate him. I'm done.

I am no longer willing to pay for his parents sins.

Really?

You have spent 16 years, TELLING him he needed to protect your D.

But you don't like how he is doing it. Call him mean and strict.

Their R, really is between them. You need to let them work it out for themselves.

We'll have to agree to disagree. I wouldn't have gone past the first date with someone who hates animals. That's just me.

I didn't say BF hated animals.

He loves animals. Has even told me I can have a horse (which I have always wanted).

Just doesn't like cats, my animal of choice, for some reason...

Except one

When this started 18 months ago, I was utterly blindsided. I did not see this coming for all the money in the world. I just wanted to know what was wrong so the we could fix them.

His list of complaints didn't come out until October of last year, maybe. But they were building.

This is all normal. Most of us were blindsided at first.

It is our job, to sift throught the garbage they spew at us, and our own garbage and decide what is real and what isn't.

And how that affects us.

Cat