When life hands you lemons add alcohol and stir!

[MichelleLT]

Words I think we all need to take to heart in all situations in life!!!!

[Kalni]

Great post Kalni -- this is precisely what I was getting at in my post about the marriage sermons. It is too easy not to give people space to shine. And, it is what I'm talking about when I say people are being arrogant when they think they know all about what the WAS will do, say, think, feel, be capable of, etc....

If we keep a beginner's mind and give people space to shine, a lot can happen.

Exactly that. And for me, the positive surpise is always very refreshing. It is just and I am actually rewiring a lot of things I didnt like but took for granted and as things that wouldnt change :settling, among other things...

[BobbiJo]

Yay you for getting the choc. strawberries! Yummmm

[AliSuddenly]

Wow Mish, it really strikes me how you assume the worst and kind of write Gabe off.. yet he keeps persistently chipping away at that negative view...

"Oh well.......a long, long time ago he used up all his romantic gestures while we were dating and there have been none ever since. Why do I hope for more than this? Again....my STUPID, ROMANTIC HEART! GAG! Is there some sort of 'ectomy' to get rid of that part of it?"

Then...

".........he got me 4 hand dipped chocolate covered strawberries and a card and wrote a super sweet sentiment in it. HOLY COW! Knock me over with a feather!"

WOW WOW WOW! Instead of creeping around and trying not to bug, or spook him, maybe you should practise extreme forgiveness?.. the more love and trust you throw at him, the more puffed up and loving he may feel and you may find he reciprocates more and more.

Heck it worked for me.. I showered H in love, forgiveness and acceptance when we got back together and it gave him the confidence and faith that I wasnt 'holding it against him' to truly express his love for me back.

xx

[mishka422]

Very good points Ali. I just can't seem to do it...too scared and too scarred.

I don't ever bring up the past, I don't ask questions about the broom, I never, ever talk about the future either. As far as I'm concerned I will take today and hope for tomorrow and that is as far as I'm willing to look. It's too terrifying to me to do anything more than that.

I do show him in every way possible that I love and care for him without actually putting those words out there. I used those words on Valentine's day and I nearly had a heart attack.

Trust? No idea how to do that without talking about it. Talking about it would mean putting some sort of a label on this odd R we have which he does not want to do. As far as that goes, I view this as a day to day R with no plans for a future and no commitments. It's not an easy way to live because it's SO not me but that is what he wants and I'm still deciding if I can live like this or if I'm going to have to pull the plug. There are many benefits to our arrangement and I'm not lonely anymore. Without being able to trust that he is committed to staying as long as possible I feel like I'm walking a bit of a tightrope.

I don't blame any of this on him. This is entirely my doing and I'll live with it. This is good for Marc. He needed his dad so much and I'm not willing to destroy that for him.

Ok........more truth just to give you some insight into how messed up my head is?

Saturday night I had a friend over for dinner and a movie. During the movie Gabe texted me and it got a little sexy. We made plans for after my friend left. Things were great, we were having a nice time and then I don't know what happened but I moved some way and there was a horrible pain. I won't go into detail but you women know what I mean when I say it was like a tearing. I was trying to suck it up like a big girl and just continue but it hurt so bad. He stopped and said it was not a problem and he didn't want to hurt me. I was pretty upset about it though. I made sure to tell him that I was absolutely not upset with him, only with myself. I got up and went in the bathroom and cried for 20 minutes. Not from pain, but from humiliation and fear. Fear? Yes. Fear that this would be the reason he would walk away. The spinning in my head overwhelmed me with thoughts of how useless I was, I can't even do this one thing right. It was horrible and is continuing to upset me but I'm not showing it.

Yes, TMI, but that is how messed up in the head I really am. It's not pretty in there people! Not pretty at all!!!!

[MichelleLT]

I do show him in every way possible that I love and care for him without actually putting those words out there. I used those words on Valentine's day and I nearly had a heart attack.

Good for you for biting the bullet and doing it!!!!!!!!!!!

Talking about it would mean putting some sort of a label on this odd R we have which he does not want to do. As far as that goes, I view this as a day to day R with no plans for a future and no commitments. It's not an easy way to live because it's SO not me but that is what he wants and I'm still deciding if I can live like this or if I'm going to have to pull the plug.

I don't remember him saying that, did I miss something? I can see both of you being squemish about The M and D words beause of your recent history, but that doesn't mean he plans to leave at any time. Or that he views it as a day to day R.

If anything, his actions say FAR otherwise! He moved back in, he's spending time with you and Marc, he's contributing to the house, he brought you soup when you were sick, he got you chocolate covered strawberries and a sappy card for V-day. Guy DON'T do stuff like that if they're not "in."

Saturday night I had a friend over for dinner and a movie. During the movie Gabe texted me and it got a little sexy. We made plans for after my friend left.

This is great!!!

Things were great, we were having a nice time and then I don't know what happened but I moved some way and there was a horrible pain. I won't go into detail but you women know what I mean when I say it was like a tearing. I was trying to suck it up like a big girl and just continue but it hurt so bad. He stopped and said it was not a problem and he didn't want to hurt me. I was pretty upset about it though. I made sure to tell him that I was absolutely not upset with him, only with myself. I got up and went in the bathroom and cried for 20 minutes. Not from pain, but from humiliation and fear. Fear? Yes. Fear that this would be the reason he would walk away. The spinning in my head overwhelmed me with thoughts of how useless I was, I can't even do this one thing right. It was horrible and is continuing to upset me but I'm not showing it.

This part is horrible though. Sorry to hear you are hurting!! That is absolutely no fun!

Why would you be upset with yourself though? It's not like you did anything, just like he didn't try to hurt you. It was just an accident.

And guess what...he hasn't left. He hasn't left for any of the things you've said or done in the past MONTHS. Instead, he got you chocolate covered strawberries and a sappy card.

I know it's easier, feels safer, to stay a bit more distant. To try and stay in the mind set of not defining the R, not relying on him. But you are also locking yourself into this pseudo-R. Are you going to let your fear hold you back forever?

[mishka422]

His exact words back in September were, "Why does this have to be leading anywhere or be anything. We're having fun enjoying each other's company. That's enough.

That was that. Closed for discussion. This is all it can be or will be and I'm either ok with that or I have to ask him to leave. I can't decide which.

He hasn't left. It is impossible for me to open my mouth and speak about the pseudo-R with him. I try and I choke on my own words. So, I guess my fear has a total hold on me that I can't manage to break. I'm not brave enough to speak up and get squashed again. After what happened in September, I'm just too scared.

[MichelleLT]

Ah yes! That's right. I'd forgotten obviously.

But still. That was September! It was months and months and months ago. A lot has changed since then. He's taken time off work to be with you and Marc, he did super sweet romantic sappy stuff for V-day, etc etc etc.

Just because it's been closed for discussion doesn't mean things haven't changed, that the R hasn't grown. September was also almost 6 months ago. When you first start dating someone there are milestones where it becomes serious, when you first say ILY, where you start talking about moving in and M. This is no different in some ways, and very different in others. I'm sure he's sensitive about the M and D stuff. And feels guilty.

But not dealing with the issues won't make them go away. Even if you don't talk them out, they need to be addressed. If talking won't work, write a letter or an e-mail. Be a little creative here.

And give him the space to grow. Let him meet your good expectations of him more often!

I'm just babbling now. Kalni and Ali would obviously have much more insight into your situation than me. But hang in there. ((((((Michelle))))))

[kat727]

I think you need to talk to Gabe. Let him know that you want him to stay but only if this relationship means something to both of you. You need to let him know that you are afraid of him leaving and maybe that is irrational but what are his thoughts. You deserve to be in a relationship you feel good about because really you don't deserve to walk on eggshells in your own life.

hugs, kat

[mishka422]

I'm hearing you all and I know you are right. Actually doing it is so difficult.

I may have an opportunity this Saturday. Gabe is taking the day off. We are going to see George Lopez together that night. Dinner beforehand. Not a subject I think I should bring up at dinner. Maybe drinks afterward? I'm going to need liquid courage.