If God had not intended for you to talk to your husband, He would have instructed you to stop. As it was; you planted several seeds within the conversation. You're right, you WERE following His instruction.
I respectfully disagree with using Love Must Be Tough in a MLC situation.
The book Love Must Be Tough cannot be used for MLC; the techniques are designed for "normal" situations; when the marriage is on more stable ground...I will explain why I say this:
I got the book at one point during his MLC, and as I was reading it; the Lord instructed me NOT to use any of the techniques within the book...some were used LATER as the marriage was rebuilding; but as it stood with him deep in MLC; I was advised that those techniques would backfire if used on him in the state of mind he was in.
An MLC'er is NOT going to respond very well to Love Must Be Tough; because most of them are looking for ANY excuse to leave the marriage behind completely; and if you want to stay married; you don't want to give them any leeway; even if it means staying quiet for a period of time.
For me, there was a time to speak and a time to be silent..and most of the time; I managed to do what God instructed me to do; if I didn't, I saw consequences for disobedience; we would cycle right back to the point where I had disobeyed the Lord, so I could get it right the second time...and time was added to the trial/crisis.
Boundaries in regards to the affair will not work if they are not receptive; there are certain boundaries that can be used; such as stopping the texting to OW/OM while with you; at your home..stuff like that.
Boundaries are for YOU; not for the person you set them on; they can decide NOT to honor them; and there's not one thing you can do about it, if they don't; except maybe remove yourself from their presence.
While we do learn to take care of ourselves first, we do this while we are still dealing with the MLC'er; although we stay detached.
I did take care of myself; but I also dealt with my husband when the Lord instructed me to.
Boundaries against disrespect and bad behavior did NOT come until the affair was finished and behind my husband; and he was further along forward in the tunnel.
I fully realize that I probably looked like a true doormat at times; but I followed the instructions that God gave me; because He knew my husband better than me, and most importantly; He knew what the future held; I didn't.
So, I followed His instruction to the letter; made many mistakes; and it took time for things to change and come through.
The Lord's instructions at times; sometimes will not make sense to anyone but Him as He gives them; but if you're willing to trust Him; and do what He asks, things will fall into place.
You'll find yourself doing things that are counterintuitive to what you know or you once knew; but God is teaching while He is instructing...and what looks to someone like "doormat" behavior; to God, whatever He instructs serves a far greater purpose.
You're doing fine; your faith is strong; God won't fail you, as He is faithful to His children. But, listen to His instruction as He gives it; it is for your betterment.
Take care.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
