Shine on you crazy diamond II

[FellOnBlackDays]

Country,
That is the real problem. I don't know what to do. I do realize now that her brief period of being "nice" was only to get from me what she needed. As soon as she had that, all communication stopped. And, when we do communicate, she is very "matter of fact" and emotionless. So, I don't know if more communication is going to help or hurt.

As I stated earlier, I do worry that my "going dark" is not the right policy for my M. That was one of the biggest reasons why she left. I would get pissed off about something and then not talk to her for days. It drove her crazy and would cause her to cry. So, here I am doing it again. If any contact is going to be made between her and I, it will have to be initiated by me. She is not going to call. She is too afraid to be seen as weakening or giving me false hope. She won't stop bringing up the "false hope" angle. But what do I do??? For all I know, my going dark is simply pushing her closer and closer to the OM. I truly am "damned if I do, damned if I don't."

I had to call her tonight because she had messed up some paperwork with the insurance company. We have not spoken for one week as of today. The phone rang twice and I was sent to voicemail. That was not an accident. During the week that we were planning on getting her the furniture and money she needed, she answered on the second ring almost every time. Now that she has all her stuff from the house and a check from me, the phone tends to go to voicemail more often than not. She is still punishing me with every chance she gets. Five months and she still feels the need to punish me when she can. Just awful...

This is the part that really hurts and may be why I have been in such a funk lately. I am worried that I am starting to ask myself if I really want to save this thing. I love her dearly, but we have done some much damage to each other, I am not sure there will be a marriage left to save once we are done lobbing grenades at each other. Lately, I stand there and take the punishment, but it is beginning to make me feel a bit angry. Hell, I don't know.

I believe firmly in the DB'ing principles and I will forever preach their effectiveness. But not all things are fool-proof and not all "medicines" will cure what ails you. I am just struggling with the thought that the DB principles are just not going to save FOBD from what he has done. I think the DB'ing principles might just be "too little, too late" as she has expressed for months. She doesn't need me. She has her EA (that may have already gone PA) to keep her warm and satisfied.

I will go down with this ship. I will love her and try to do my best until the end. But sometimes even the very best of efforts, intentions and performances just don't win in the end. My sitch is starting to stink of failure...

Sorry, team. I wish I had better vibes for my BITS, but I would be dishonest with you if I said I do.

FOBD