Bolt tunring again

[Bolt]

guys, when you're right you're right.
oh yeah, Denver...these days I feel like I'm right by that window waiting to get out to the ledge.

BUT

I think we may have turned a corner today.

(I know you all must be thinking - here goes crazy bolt again)
I swear I haven't always been this manic...the entertainment biz made me this way...

I had a tough time at church today. Couldn't focus. Things were bugging me.

W and I got home and decided it was a good time to talk. I didn't spill anything but did get some things in the open. We talked about being at different speeds. Having different expectations - all that.

But the biggest was when she finally - FINALLY - let me have it about me getting fired. She let out a TON of emotion. Something she's been holding back for a long time.

Here's it in a nutshell - I only print this because I think this may help some of us LBS - a peek into the mind of a WAS.

A recap first. I had a pretty assistant with whom I got close to as a working friend. She would text me and I dug it because someone young and very attractive was showing interest in me. I developed a small crush on her BUT had zero intentions of taking it one step further. Nothing inappropriate ever happened as far as touching or sex but we crossed the line from working into friends. We had lunches/one dinner and a lot of softball games. Anyway, people around the office thought we had an A and I backed off the "relationship" with her. She acted like a woman scorned and through other people, said things that I said to her that were simply not true. My W told me to stay completely away from her - to not even be alone in the same room with her - to which I did...for a while. We became friends again (I thought safely) until one more time when she misread (on purpose??) what I said and 2 weeks later, I got fired.

THAT'S the short part...if you've read my sitch I've gone deeper.

SO...throughout that entire ordeal, I told my W EVERYTHING. From how I would feel when she texted me at the beginning (it made me feel wanted) to how it finally ended (I didn't think it would be a bad thing being the OW's friend again).

fast forward to today.

W lets it ALL out. She said that even though I told her everything, she tried to do everything she possibly could to save the marriage. She thought she was losing me and tried to give me everything she had in her. She was working nights and had zero energy but still forced herself to stay up to give me attention - to give me sex because she thought that was the reason I was "looking" elsewhere. When she couldn't take it anymore, she told me to basically cut it off with her. She told me that she didn't trust this person and that she was going to take me and the M down.

I didn't listen because I thought I was right. I wasn't doing anything wrong (read-sleeping with her) so what was the big deal? How was I going to get in trouble? Yeah, I'm the boss but I'm an outgoing guy? I was doing nothing wrong.

She was even more hurt when I didn't listen to her and then what she prophecized came true.


We were both crying buckets here. I could not believe that I caused so much pain. I told her that I never intended to disrespect her. To cause her this pain and lack of self worth. I said that she is now and has always been the only woman that I have ever loved and that she is the one for me.

I looked her in the eyes and said that I will never make that mistake - the one of taking her for granted/disrespecting her/not feeling for her self being - again.

We couldn't take our eyes off each other during this entire time. I said that she deserves so much more love than what I gave her then and that I have so much more to give her right now. A marriage isn't about dealing with one or the others' emotions; it's about dealing with both partner's emotions.

I said that I wanted to be her shelter, her protector, her foundation and her biggest supporter.

(we're balling at this point)

we then talked about her need for an apology from me about any indiscretions that I had throughout our R.

I won't go into that but when I got that question a few days ago, I dug down deep to get those raw emotions. They were heavy and I let them out. I realized just how much I truly hurt her and also how I never wanted to do that again...

[Bolt]

still going...

so after that convo, we had to get out of the house because we had a few showings. Guys, we were laughing and playing all day. We had tea at Pete's. Went to our favorite pizza joint. Hung out and wrestled at the beach while trying to take stupid pictures of each other. Even played a lot with my kids (one who says she HATES the beach - yeah right - doing sand angels...).

We came home and watched a movie. We were laughing and looking at each other all night.

Lastly, I went in and told her thanks. Thanks for a great day. Thanks for being there for not just me but for all of us today. Thanks for being you.

She hugged me and gave me a big kiss.

please all...help me remember this day. I want to cherish it - ESPECIALLY from where I was this morning...maybe I need to stop taking my grumpy pills...

I hope some of you can feed off this positive energy and see what could happen. Have I been perfect? No way in (censored - I censored myself). But I've been moving forward.

If there's a huge thing that I have received from this board is that we all do really care for each other and are HERE for each other. This is a safe place so we can vent and spew our anger/despair/rage/disappointment and no one will judge - but better yet -

it won't make our bad sitches even worse.

I wish you all the best and hope that I can help you all as much as you have helped me

Stay strong!!!

[FellOnBlackDays]

Bolt, "Congratulations!" You are working toward the enlightenment you will need to get better. I think you and I are about at the same juncture right now. Facing what we have done. Please keep me informed. I do believe you and I can assist each other along this path.

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[Bolt]

I know man. I seriously think today was huge. After that talk, we've been so much closer. That closer-ness is exactly what I've been needing. She laughs with me and makes me laugh. That's pretty huge with me.

I do want to get better man...DUDE, read this book: Hold Me Tight. It is really helping me understand things. I'm having the W read it once we move and have less distractions. I think it will take us to the next level.

I'm right there with ya, buddy!

[FellOnBlackDays]

Thanks, Bolt. I will order it tonight.

FOBD

[grr]

so great bolt
keep this day close to you, and pull it out if you should need it
but more will come like this
hopefully tomorrow
night night

[Bolt]

oh, I'm putting this under glass so I can remember it for sure.
If I forget, please smash my head with it.

[Bolt]

so good night for sure...this morning I wake and W is going to work out downstairs. She gets her workout clothes on in front of me - Dear LORD...she looks so amazing...

I asked her kindly, why do you get dressed in front of me?
She smiles and says, I know you like it.

---eeeeep!---
yeah but I can't do anything with it -- yet:(

(deep breath)
(cold shower)

[grr]

you lucky duck

i wonder how many times you will visualize THAT today?

1, 564?

or more

im so glad to hear it
and i hope went to bed early last night
it helps to have a good sleep
xo

[Bolt]

grr...she was walking around in these little short shorts all morning...it was hard(ahem)to eat my eggs without constantly checking her out...