Not Sure Which Way to Go

[downandoutintn]

JustStunned,

Thanks for coming by. I have been following the BITS quite a bit since I have been here.

Who were you when you met? That was a person she found attractive. What can you do to improve that person?

I really do feel like I am becoming that person day by day but it is hard to be 18 again and not have a care in the world. I am becoming confident in myself again. I have even started to find where and how I started losing my confidence and what causes it. I am a pretty independent person and always have been, but I got into this relationship for one thing and that is the relationship part. I can take care of the rest myself. If I could be in a relationship with myself and get what I needed from myself then I probably would have never have got married in the first place. That is the part I have been so dependent on her for and that is what I am missing so much of is the companionship/relationship part.

Even when I was younger I would never do anything by myself. I always had somebody to do everything with me but I let everyone go or they passed away so I find myself lonely and that is what gets me. I am starting to do pretty good on that though and being able to identify friends to fill this void.

It is all a small step process and I realize this. I don't expect everything to be fixed tomorrow nor do I want it to be. I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN THIS MESS EVER AGAIN! This is my last rodeo with this WAW stuff. I realize if I jump back into this again like we did last time I will be right back where I am today.

I am grasping this detaching thing more and more everyday and I felt like her response to the phone call was a small step that she is noticing I am not trying to be her friend any more like I was. I am not sitting by the phone waiting on her phone call but waiting on some of my buddies' phone call to help me with GAL.

I am moving, maybe slowly, as I catch on to all of this and how I should play my cards. Sometimes you might hold a pair of 2s. Sometime you might play them and sometimes you might fold them but it really depends on who is sitting across the table across from you as to how you play your cards. I am beginning to see that all I am going to be dealt with her is 2's. I am trying to find for myself what will give me Aces or Kings so I can have a better chance of winning every hand. That might be her once she decides what she wants in life or that maybe someone else but right now I am taking what is dealt to me and turning that into the best hand I can get.

I know I got a little off track with this reply sorry.

I continue to read all of your posts to try and learn from people that are way ahead of me but please believe this I am not giving up on myself. I can not worry about her anymore she is a big girl and has to take care of herself and I will only step in if it affects my children negatively.