I want to save the R because I love him and I know he loves me. When we are both sober ...me free of alcohol, him free of drugs, we are amazing together.
He holds my hand in public, cuddles me, is always affectionate, sweet, caring, and loving in and out of bed. I am the same with him. Our love languages are quality time and physical touch..pretty much equally for both of us.
I just sent him this email as a last attempt to reach him, I do not know if or when he will get it as he has not accessed his smart phone in days.
I am sorry. I am sorry you tried for an entire year, and I was still stuck in the past and self medicating and getting angry by drinking when you were gone and blaming you. That was my fault. I have not been drinking and have no plans to drink whether you and I fix this or not. I am done. I am done for me. I can't live this way. I spoke to the counselor , one last time. I can't afford to again. Here is what I came away with.
I need you to trust me. You need me to trust you. I believe you know I have not had sex with anyone but you since we became exclusive in October of 2009 and I feel the same way about you but you do not know that as I have said hurtful mean things to you when I was angry.
Basically, I do trust you or I would not have slept with you..cause if I really believed you had been with B ..I would not have let you even touch me. Drunk or sober.
I need to perhaps be on antidepressants for a few months til I am a few more months sober and thinking correctly all the time.
I love you and you love me.
Call me. The counselor asked me what I wanted. I said for you to come home and for us to be happy. She said what do you think he wants? I said I think he wants to stop the fighting and wants to feel like I trust him, love him and think the world of him She asked if that is how I felt. I said, yes when I am not drinking or upset. Yes, when I am happy. She said what keeps the two of you from being happy? I said alcohol and drugs. She said then lose them and all the people you associate with to use them or obtain them from. So, We just need to agree to doing that and then we will be all right..I will trust you and you will trust me..if we both stop messing up. I let you down by continuing to drink...and then you let me down by doing meth.I pushed you away when you really were trying so hard..and I AM SORRY and I want to make that up to you.
It's easy to fix. I do trust you when you are straight...it is basically your associates in the meth world I truly do not trust.. I love you and want you to come home. NO fighting. NO relationship discussions. We just spend two nice weeks together. We see if we are able to do that. Shelia and Duke will be down and we will spend some nice time with them. We take it slowly. You keep your storage unit if you want. No committment other than to two weeks to see if we can just be happy again and NOT fight. Please think about it. I love you. I know you love me. Colleen
I love you and want you to know that I do. I am sorry things got so out of hand again, but NO more. If either of us relapses..then the other gets to walk away this time if they choose with no arguements or hard feelings. Neither one of us deserves to be unhappy. But we both deserve to be happy and we can be together...I love you. --
