Have spent much of the day just being with my pain.
At first I was trying to "work through it."
Same old pattern of trying to force and change them rather than simply being fully present and allowing things to naturally flow and unfold as they may.
It takes more trust and confidence than I am used to.
I was thinking about the too-lengthy letter I sent WAW telling her how I feel, the things I was really angry about, telling her how to make decisions, trying to push her into completing the immigration paperwork so I could at least get back to work (95% of my clients are in the states) and especially to be able to spend more time with her...
...as helpless and infuriated as I was feeling when I sent that email to her, and as angry as I was with myself for totally invalidating her feelings and very likely totally erasing all the progress WAW and I had made this week...
I was thinking about how a person might start making better decisions, and I figured it would start with having self-respect.
Honestly I don't have a lot of respect for myself lately. And I'm pretty certain my WAW not only doesn't have a lot of respect for me, but probably for herself either.
Pretty hard to build a healthy relationship without it.
Sometimes respecting myself just looks like being with and fully accepting my feelings. And sometimes, respecting myself means acknowledging my feelings, without allowing myself to over-indulge or dwell in them.
Sometimes, respecting myself is simply a matter of acceptance, elimination and moving on.
It's no secret to me anymore that I have often over-indulged, have shown disrespect towards myself and other people, and have acted totally irresponsible.
I have often done whatever the hell I feel like doing, while avoiding doing the things I must.
But as I was lying down and "being with my pain", simply accepting it without trying to manipulate or change it, just listening to my body and showing it that I respect it...
I started thinking about this quote from Sandi...
"It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!"
I hadn't quite remembered it that way. What I remembered was "Don't do what you feel. Do what works." Pretty much the same thing, but broad enough to help me see it applies not just in my marriage.
What I felt like doing was just staying there lying in my bed. But once my body got the message that I was truly listening, the pain started to subside, and then I was able act more responsibly.
I was able to respond in a healthier, more self-respecting way. I was able to choose to come down here and work on something that I have never been very good at doing, and is a big part of the reason that I have lost so much self-respect in the first place.
I decided to come and work on my budget. It sure wasn't what I felt like doing, but I know that by learning and practicing how to follow a budget...that is something that will definitely work and help me get a life.
It's now 5:53 pm
I will now work on my budget until at least 6:30 pm
No whining about missing my wife or messing up my life.
Big exhale.
Just. Let. Go.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
