Question about the Men that left

[Queen_of_Swords]

SC, this statement of yours struck me:

"If I had no chance at all, the decisions would be just as painful, but I wouldn't resist divorce and I'd actively start to look elsewhere for love.
10+ years of being ignored, seldom spoken with/to and treated like help have taken it's toll on me."

I'm sorry for what you're going through, first of all. But when I read your comment about actively looking for love, coupled with the toll that this has all taken on you, I think of myself a month or more ago. The time frame of my sitch is very similar to yours as you can see in my signature, and for me, at least, I wanted to tell you that a month or more ago I said the same thing as you in my head as far as "If I don't have a chance with him, I'm going to start actively looking."

This is just my opinion, but this feeling is "false" in a way. I think this comes from wanting to be able to shut off the pain in the present by finding someone else to love and respect us, to be affectionate and physical with us, the whole 9 yards. It's understandable why we feel this way, but it's not going to help us right now.

Perhaps not. I am coming to viewpoint that really I was alone in my marriage for almost this last half of it. I just hadn't realised although he was dancing across from me, he had his own spotlight and I was dancing in the shadows.

I can tell you that I am lately feeling very much ok that I'm NOT actively looking for someone AND I know that my marriage is entirely over and that there is pretty much no chance of reconciliation--not just because of my x not wanting it, but because frankly, I don't think he's grown up or good enough for me. I think he needs 5 years of therapy and growth and learning how to not need a mother to be "suitable" for me ;-) But in any case, I'm starting to really be "ok" with not having a mate.

I am glad for you AntoniaB that you've come to a place of peace with what is, and on your terms. My H too needs help, help he knows about but is not willing to get for himself. Help he sees me getting and wants our children to have, but not for himself. He's alright Jack. I'm the one that's nutz.

A close friend of mine who went through divorce a long time ago said that when we become really comfortable with ourselves that we feel that way (and that usually that's when someone notices us, ironically).

But I guess what I want to say to you is that I really felt a pull there awhile ago to "actively" search for a mate. I made a profile for an online service, but I didn't finalize it. Still haven't. Now I am wondering why I ever thought that in the first place, and I think it was just a way to find a ledge to escape the pain.

I have put my profile up there, had a few people contact me. Let's just say I'm not out there to be just a booty call, and the majority of them...well that's exactly what they're after and little else. It's complicated that's for sure. Guys our age are usually going through their own MLC and have divorced and have children of their own.

But if, as you say, this has all taken a toll on you, the best thing you can do for yourself is to learn to love being "single." Not alone--you're never alone as you have family and friends. But without a mate. Sure there are times it really stinks. But you know what? The past 2 weekends, I've been happier here at my house by myself than I was when my H was with me, I swear. I just feel really empowered.
[
color:#6600CC]I've been alone/mateless a long time, as I stated above. Wife in name only really. And there are days I'm mystified as to why I even love this man, or still want him, but I do.
I guess the human heart knows no sense.[/color]

And this is coming to you in time, as well. (((HUGS)))

We will see Antonia. I thank you for your perspective in looking backward in what for me is in the future.