Not Sure Which Way to Go

[downandoutintn]

I have another question for you guys. Since she has an apartment and will be moving in a couple of weeks would another way for me to detach be to pack up her stuff that is left in the house and have it waiting on her or would that cause more of a problem than needed. Also I have been thinking that I should help move. I have told her that I understand why we separated and I am supporting her through it. So by me doing this I think it is a way to support her through it. Plus I have a lot of time on my hands.

[downandoutintn]

^^^

[gr8 day 2B alive]

No, no no.
Do not help her pack her things! This is somethign she want remember?

I thought the same thing too when my W moved out. I even thought I would help her. I didn't. Just know she was leaving and not coming back was too much for me.

It well for you too. Don't even be in the house when she moves.

I still remember that day when I walk into my home after she move out.
It's going to be hard no doubt.

Listen, I have been at this for over year and a half. I'm still not divorced. Time is all you really have, use it wisely.

Detach, drop the rope, live your life with honor what ever the saying that motivates you not be imeshed with the though a being M.
My W came back only after I completely let go and she felt as if she was losing me.
Get ahead of her on the detaching curve. that's the way you make her feel like she's losing YOU.

This helped me:
http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/153824/detail/

[downandoutintn]

GR8 DAY,
I really appreciate the reply. She has already moved out but the stuff that is in the house is pretty all hers or at least I am letting her take it because I don't care about decorations and the such. Plus if I am starting over I want to start over with no memories. So I thought if I start packing up her stuff that would send a signal that I am supporting her move. I know what you are saying about the moving thing though. Glad to hear you were able to get your sitch back in the right direction. Is things any better than they were before?

[downandoutintn]

Since yesterday I have been being a little more direct. She sent a couple of texts and I only responded to one because she asked "how the kids were" and I replied "they are in good hands :)" There was one conversation today where she was just more or less trying to make small talk. I listened, but when there was an opening, I tried to let her go 3 or 4 times until finally she let me go.

A little while ago, she called and I thought she wanted to tell the kids good night so I answered so she could tell them. Here is how that conversation went.

W: Why are you acting like you don't want to talk to me.

Me: I'm not. You said you wanted more space and that I had overwhelmed you so I am giving you the space that you asked for. You know how I feel and nothing has changed. I am actually listening to you for once and giving you what you ask for.

W: She said well my phone is about to die so I wanted to make sure you had this number in case you needed to call me. (she is working a second job to afford her new apartment) I will call and talk to S5 in a little while to tell him good night.

Me: Ok well I will talk to you later.

It has now been over an hour and S5 has been asleep for a good 30 minutes.

15 minutes on the dot after the phone call I get a text message.

W: Just want you to know that I'm sorry if I hurt you through all of this DAOITN Hope we can always be friends.

I have yet to reply and have no plans of replying. I have pretty much cut out initiating contact with her for about 2 weeks but I have not done what I have done today as direct as what I did today. I have tried to end conversations but would keep going. This time I made it known that I didn't want to be on the phone. (even though I really did and I was really down this morning because I have totally missed her all day today)

Does it finally sound like I maybe on the right path or does it sound like I may have been too harsh? Just to be honest the more I think about things in the M, I have let her run my life and make decisions for way too long. I thought I was being a good husband and building her independence by doing so. Now she is so independent that she doesn't need/want me anymore. I guess this behavior could be seen as a 180?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Since yesterday I have been being a little more direct. She sent a couple of texts and I only responded to one because she asked "how the kids were" and I replied "they are in good hands :)" There was one conversation today where she was just more or less trying to make small talk. I listened, but when there was an opening, I tried to let her go 3 or 4 times until finally she let me go.

OK,there shouldn'tbe anytalk other than about the kids. And that would be a need to know basis. No small talk at all.

downandout, read the history of my sitch,
I too had to deal with the phone call at night with the kids.
If she wants to call and talk to them that's OK, When the phone rings get you S5 to answer let him talk and you leave the room while he talks to his mom.
There's nothing you can say now that will convince her to come home. Trust me.
If the kids are asleep then don't answer the phone.
Remember, you are the cause of all her unhappiness. So not being with you will make her happy. HA.
I lived that too.

You wanting to be on the phone with her is you settling for crumbs. Don't you deserve more? Things will improve once you start increasing your self esteem and confidence.

What are women attracted to??? Soft men who beg fpr the attention of them? No
A strong confident man who knows his self worth and is strong enough to handle things.

Start dressing better, working out and know this- No matter what happens you will not only survive, you will thrive.

That's where Im' at now,

Are things any better than they were before?

My wife came back only after she saw me moving on without her. I was/am happy and she is no happier today than the day she left. How can she? This women was a family oriented W and a great mom. Now she's responsible for breaking up a family and her mothering skills are par at best.

When my W motioned to "try" I was too excited. I was thinking about all the wonderful things we as a family would do.
I Didn't make her work for it. And I didn't have a solid plan.
Don't think for one minute that dating her again will be enough to reignite the spark.

I received the second bomb this past xmas.

It hurt again but this time I was able to get back my confidence and self esteem much quicker.

There's too much to list what happened to make her come back but it's all here.
My latest sitch was called "Should I tell he move back?"
Google that and it will give you more insight.

Oh, as for the being friends comment.
I don't know about you but I go out with my friends and have them over for dinner and share my life with them.

I told my W I have plenty friends I don't need any more.
My W thought we can be friends through this,
like her parents are.
that doesn't work for me.
I am currently working on the D papers. I know I will have to be the one who files b/c my W is uncertain of what she wants.

See, I want a a confident women in my life too. Her flip flopping is unatttractive to me and I deserve a great W in my life.
I know I will be in a wonderful R with or with out her.
It appears it will be with out her.
And..........I am happy with that.
Stay strong, I check back later.
gr8

[JustStunned]

Sorry I haven’t responded before now, been dealing with drama in my own sitch.

Do not help her move out. Let her make her own way feeling the bumps in the road while she does. Do what it takes to be strong and independent. Do not be dependant.

Who were you when you met? That was a person she found attractive. What can you do to improve that person?

Detach, GAL, show her you can be strong and interesting. She will not find needy, dependant attractive.

[downandoutintn]

gr8,
I honestly answered the phone because my kids weren't right there and so the call wouldn't be missed. If the kids are there I hand the phone to them and do not talk unless there is something about the kids that need to be worked out. I try to treat her as far as the kids concerned like I want to be treated. If I call to talk with them I want to know that she will answer the phone. I really do believe in treating someone as you would want to be treated. I did not ask any questions in that whole conversation and made it very clear that I answered the phone for her to talk to the kids and not to me. She chose to try to talk to me not the other way around. I am getting ready to start reading your thread. I looked for it the other night but there are so many posts by you that I couldn't find yours.

I'm normally not a slow learner but I think it is a lot harder to do this when there is love and emotions involved. One thing I have found that I was doing is revolving too many of my actions around her. I have now stopped that. I think that is the biggest thing I was doing wrong. I was still letting her affect my decisions and that was causing me more trouble than good.

One other question. Are you saying I should never talk to her at all unless it is about the kids? If that is the case then how would I ever know that she is trying to test the water? Or is it something that I give it a while and she will find a way to talk to me?

[downandoutintn]

JustStunned,

Thanks for coming by. I have been following the BITS quite a bit since I have been here.

Who were you when you met? That was a person she found attractive. What can you do to improve that person?

I really do feel like I am becoming that person day by day but it is hard to be 18 again and not have a care in the world. I am becoming confident in myself again. I have even started to find where and how I started losing my confidence and what causes it. I am a pretty independent person and always have been, but I got into this relationship for one thing and that is the relationship part. I can take care of the rest myself. If I could be in a relationship with myself and get what I needed from myself then I probably would have never have got married in the first place. That is the part I have been so dependent on her for and that is what I am missing so much of is the companionship/relationship part.

Even when I was younger I would never do anything by myself. I always had somebody to do everything with me but I let everyone go or they passed away so I find myself lonely and that is what gets me. I am starting to do pretty good on that though and being able to identify friends to fill this void.

It is all a small step process and I realize this. I don't expect everything to be fixed tomorrow nor do I want it to be. I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN THIS MESS EVER AGAIN! This is my last rodeo with this WAW stuff. I realize if I jump back into this again like we did last time I will be right back where I am today.

I am grasping this detaching thing more and more everyday and I felt like her response to the phone call was a small step that she is noticing I am not trying to be her friend any more like I was. I am not sitting by the phone waiting on her phone call but waiting on some of my buddies' phone call to help me with GAL.

I am moving, maybe slowly, as I catch on to all of this and how I should play my cards. Sometimes you might hold a pair of 2s. Sometime you might play them and sometimes you might fold them but it really depends on who is sitting across the table across from you as to how you play your cards. I am beginning to see that all I am going to be dealt with her is 2's. I am trying to find for myself what will give me Aces or Kings so I can have a better chance of winning every hand. That might be her once she decides what she wants in life or that maybe someone else but right now I am taking what is dealt to me and turning that into the best hand I can get.

I know I got a little off track with this reply sorry.

I continue to read all of your posts to try and learn from people that are way ahead of me but please believe this I am not giving up on myself. I can not worry about her anymore she is a big girl and has to take care of herself and I will only step in if it affects my children negatively.

[JustStunned]

DnOinTN, Perhaps I read into your card playing analogy. I should not because I use battle analogies to help me assimilate what I am learning. I feel I need to say this. I apologize if I misread your last post.

One of the things I learned early on here from this board is we DB to improve us. A side benefit of this is our S may notice and be more inclined to join us in a new R. I read this in DR also but it took this board to have it sink in.

If we use these techniques to manipulate our S they will eventually backfire. The changes we make must be real, and they must be for us or we will not sustain them. Do these things for you and your children, to improve you.