Shine on you crazy diamond II

[Firstlove]

Grr

What is the FB page you are referring to about the 12 ways - I would like to see that - can you point me in the right direction

thanks

[FellOnBlackDays]

Hey BITS,
I finally have some time to get out some replies to all your wonderful posts. I am sober now and feeling a bit better after a full day of busting my tail on household chores and grocery shopping.

Bolt,
You are correct. I bet the 50% that fail don't ever visit this site or try to. So, I guess DB'ing does help our odds. The funny thing is that I completely believe in the DB'ing principles. I have seen it work here on the boards and I will forever preach their effectiveness. But not all things are going to work 100% of the time. My M suffered a real blow. A fatal blow in many ways. And even the very best ER docs can't save all patients. Just some food for thought.

9lives,
Yes, I do have a reason to call her. She messed up while using our insurance and I have been getting calls from the insurance company. I will have to call her to discuss this. Frankly, I am not looking forward to it. I have come to kind of dislike when I have to talk to her. I will be bubbly and DB, and she will act uninterested and very matter of fact / almost blunt. I just don't enjoy speaking to her now that I realize the brief period a couple of weeks ago of her talking to me every day was nothing more than a ploy to get the furniture and money she needed. She has definitely changed her attitude since she got what she wanted.

MyKarma,
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I do know that in all honesty I am not alone here. But, when I come home half lit to an empty house, it just wears on me to the point that I kind of lose my mind and my emotions. I really should stay off the boards while I have been drinking.

Grr,
Yes, you are correct about the drinking. It is not helpful. For the record, I only let myself have alcohol on the weekends. I completely ban myself from it during the week and nights before I am to go to the gym. I have stayed very faithful to my gym routine and I don't let the alcohol mess with that. It is hard to workout hung over.

You are right, she does need to see a "functioning, happy male" if she is ever going to want to come home. That is what I am showing her on the rare occasion we see each other. The beating down, alcohol swilling FOBD only comes out here.

I did read the post on the FB page and I did like it quite a bit. I wish I would have had that article about a year ago. It might have helped.

FirstLove,
I absolutely loved your list. That was good stuff. Please be sure that you post that numerous times for all to see. I have felt every word on that list in my own life. Thanks for sharing.

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[FellOnBlackDays]

2step,
Wanted to get back to you specifically. First, I love the Bastogne reference. I am a huge WWII buff. I am a charter member of the National WWII museum in New Orleans and visit often. If you would like some good reading, pick up "Seven Roads to Hell." It was written by a member of the 506th who fought there. I got to meet him in person a couple of years ago and had him sign my book. A few years ago, I got to take a ride in a fully restored B-17 with a WWII Air Corp veteran who served as a radio operator on 36 missions over Europe. My old college roommate's grandfather was the medic from Louisiana portrayed in Band of Brothers. I have met some of the members of the Band of Brothers and Stephen Ambrose before he died. Yes, I definitely see how my the Bastogne reference could apply here. I wish we could hook up and "nerd out" on WWII talk.

As for a coaching session, I have purchased a three session package and have used one of them. It might be time for another. It really seemed to help.

You know, I followed your apology details to your W. I actually printed out your conversation with her and have highlighted the parts I would like to use with my own W. But, everyone keeps telling me to stay dark and not try to apologize right now. I kind of agree with them. She is still very, very angry and looking for a whipping boy. I think if I tried to pull off an apology like yours, I would get pulverized verbally by her. But, I am tired of waiting. I know her anger is growing with my "darkness." She always hated the fact that I would not share my emotions or communicate. It was part of the reason why she left. So, what am I doing now. NOT COMMUNICATING!!! Again, this is the worst "Catch 22" I have ever had to face. I am clueless as to what to do next??

Yes, I do carry so much guilt. The past couple of weeks have been a real "eye opener." You have seen my posts. They have gone completely negative for over two weeks. I have handed myself my own "2x4" and it was quite a shot. Yes, I am doing whatever I can to focus on why I did it and how I can prevent it in the future. Maybe I will have better luck with my next W...

I just don't have much to keep me motivated lately. My feelings seem to constantly move between numb and disgust. I now I can't fix anything right now, and I am starting to worry that it won't matter anyway...

Thanks for your help, buddy! You are the best!

BITS truly never walk alone!!!

FOBD

[FellOnBlackDays]

Denver,
Thanks for propping me up last night. Man, I was really in the dumps all weekend. Spent most of today in bed again. Part hangover, part no real need to get up.

I have checked out the article on FB and it is very helpful. Too bad my W doesn't want to hear any of that stuff right now. She has completely shut down and is probably moving forward with her A.

I do agree with your assessment of 3 months. She has only been in her new place for three weeks. I guess I have some more waiting to do...

I have spent hour focused on what I did that caused her to leave. You have read much of it here. It has been helpful to identify these things, but now I am completely overcome with guilt, regret and shame. When she left, I hated her. Now, I hate me and it makes me question every move going forward.

Yes, I do agree that the "energy" we show them does help. She was completely turned off and fled as fast as possible from the crying, moping, and begging FOBD. But still, she is completely emotionless when we do see each other. In the 168 days since she left, we have only seen each other 13 times. Many of those visits were under one hour. There just isn't time to show her the new me. When I tried it last Sunday, she just crawled into her car and sped away like nothing.

Hang with me, man. Your support means the world to me. Every good captain needs an even better second in command to get his back when things are going wrong.

I just can't seem to get out of the funk lately. A few weeks ago, I was doing really well. I was interviewing WAS's, helping my friend who lost his brother and helping to save Bev from her jack*ss of a WAS. But, those things only brought me a brief respite from the darkness that resides in my home. I feel like a man without a country. When I am out with friends, all I think about is the fact that they are all going home to sleep in a bed with their wives. I sit there and stare longingly at every couple in the bar or restaurant I am in remembering when I was them. So, it makes me want to go home. But, when I get there, I am lonely and ready to quit. I have no where to go...

BITS never walk alone!!

FOBD

[♪CS♪]

Hey man, one of the rules in the book, monitor how your actions affect things and stop and change course if it no working or hurting. If going dark is not working, might be time to change gears. Don't feel guilty about that.

[2stepboogie]

Hey FOBD:

If you feel like you would like to apologize to your W then do it IMO. Check with the DB coach first but I don't see how telling her sincerely how sorry you are for hurting her is a bad move.

She will probably go off on you, but you know what? that is ok. That is a good thing. Let her slam you till she runs out of oxygen and you accept it. It will give her a chance to vent.

When I called my wife that night we had just spoken for about 1/2 hour about nothing. When I hung up I felt like I wanted to get it off my chest so I called back. I really expected to tell her my apology and hang up. I expected nothing. She stayed on the phone with me for a few hours and then called back the next day. I am not saying that is going to happen with you but all you want to do is clear your mind and get it off your chest.

Expect to get hammered by her

Expect her to get angry

and

Expect nothing

If she is angry she still cares.

I knew my M was in trouble when my W stopped arguing but I did not know what to do. I crawl into my cave and ignored it like it would go away. I did not have the tools I have now. Well, it went away, in a Penske truck to Oklahoma.

Make sure you comment or "like" the article on the DB FB page grr said that the more people that do it the more article they post. I plan on reading it again and I plan on checking out the site at least once a day for new material.

[Bolt]

fobd, I totally understand you're feelings. It's tough to be there for sure.

Is there anyway to keep you mind MOSTLY off the sitch? I know that's about nearly impossible but the more you simply don't think about it, the better it will be.

I'm not saying ignore it or try to make it go away - that's where the numbness comes in. I guess what I'm saying is to truly GAL so you can recharge those batteries.

after that, you (and her) may be in a better place so you can lay things out.

I honestly wouldn't apologize just yet. Wait to get some good "normal" conversations. Then, you'll know it, when the time is right, to start in on the apologies. Take that slow though. She won't hear it when you're angry.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Country,
That is the real problem. I don't know what to do. I do realize now that her brief period of being "nice" was only to get from me what she needed. As soon as she had that, all communication stopped. And, when we do communicate, she is very "matter of fact" and emotionless. So, I don't know if more communication is going to help or hurt.

As I stated earlier, I do worry that my "going dark" is not the right policy for my M. That was one of the biggest reasons why she left. I would get pissed off about something and then not talk to her for days. It drove her crazy and would cause her to cry. So, here I am doing it again. If any contact is going to be made between her and I, it will have to be initiated by me. She is not going to call. She is too afraid to be seen as weakening or giving me false hope. She won't stop bringing up the "false hope" angle. But what do I do??? For all I know, my going dark is simply pushing her closer and closer to the OM. I truly am "damned if I do, damned if I don't."

I had to call her tonight because she had messed up some paperwork with the insurance company. We have not spoken for one week as of today. The phone rang twice and I was sent to voicemail. That was not an accident. During the week that we were planning on getting her the furniture and money she needed, she answered on the second ring almost every time. Now that she has all her stuff from the house and a check from me, the phone tends to go to voicemail more often than not. She is still punishing me with every chance she gets. Five months and she still feels the need to punish me when she can. Just awful...

This is the part that really hurts and may be why I have been in such a funk lately. I am worried that I am starting to ask myself if I really want to save this thing. I love her dearly, but we have done some much damage to each other, I am not sure there will be a marriage left to save once we are done lobbing grenades at each other. Lately, I stand there and take the punishment, but it is beginning to make me feel a bit angry. Hell, I don't know.

I believe firmly in the DB'ing principles and I will forever preach their effectiveness. But not all things are fool-proof and not all "medicines" will cure what ails you. I am just struggling with the thought that the DB principles are just not going to save FOBD from what he has done. I think the DB'ing principles might just be "too little, too late" as she has expressed for months. She doesn't need me. She has her EA (that may have already gone PA) to keep her warm and satisfied.

I will go down with this ship. I will love her and try to do my best until the end. But sometimes even the very best of efforts, intentions and performances just don't win in the end. My sitch is starting to stink of failure...

Sorry, team. I wish I had better vibes for my BITS, but I would be dishonest with you if I said I do.

FOBD

[Queen_of_Swords]

FOBD
I'm going to share something here that may have resonance for you.
At the begining of my particular ordeal with my H, and after reading DB, I thought the principles were nucking futz.
Here I was a woman that had seen her marriage disintegrate due to lack of communication, and this was suggesting I go dark, ignore the whole situation GAL ( in my POV of the time) and STOP communicating.

Well I tried more communication. Did it work? Absofrickinglutely NOT.

Did I then try going slowly dim? Yes I did after first trying everything chaotically to get a response, any response.
Am I seeing little flickers of interest here and there now after doing things in a consistent manner in going dim? Yup.

Take heart darlin', you're having one of those days right now.
Tomorrow can be different.
You have been an inspiration to us. Now it's our turn.

[FellOnBlackDays]

SC,
Thanks for the "pick me up." I really, really appreciate it. If you don't mind me asking, how long did you have to remain dark to get these little rays of positive response? I ask because I have been dark for a couple of months now and nothing much has resulted from it. I thought her sudden interest in me a few weeks ago was the results of going dark. I got on here and praised my efforts and how well they worked. But, it was all a sham. She just wanted stuff from the house and money. Once she got that, she disappeared again. The going dark had nothing to do with her sudden interest in me. It was her own personal gains and needs that bought her back to the table. And once they were fulfilled, she disappeared again and now sends me to voicemail.

It still amazes me. For 14 years, I would get a huge ration of sh*t from her if we didn't talk on the phone every day. Especially if we were traveling on business or separated due to some sort of travel. Now, she sends me to voicemail on every chance she gets...

I would like to say I am having one of those days, but it is more like I am having one of those months. February has just been awful. Numerous days in bed until noon or later. The only thing I have stayed faithful to is my family, my job, my gym time and my BITS. I have let everything else fall by the wayside.

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD