Bolt tunring again

[Bolt]

you know what else? I find(and found) myself focusing too much on the R and not living my life - the whole GAL. It shouldn't consume every second of my life.

Once I overcame that - well, still overcoming it - my life became much more fun for me...

Now I just have to do that every day...

[Denver_2010]

Sh!t... I focus on my R almost 24 hours a day right now. I have been a complete slacker at work since my W began showing signs that she might want to work on M.

I've got to get it together!!

BITS
Denver

[FellOnBlackDays]

Bolt,
I am a bit tipsy and way behind on your sitch. Looks like from the skimming I did, things are still going well. The BITS membership has grown to the point that I can't keep up. None the less, I just wanted to let you know I am doing my best to keep up. And, you seem to be doing your best work also. I thought the massage thing was really awesome. I wish I would have thought of that while my W was still in the house. You are still an inspiration, none the less. I will use these ideas later if I get the chance. Hang in there, buddy!

BITS never walk alone!!!

FOBD

[Bolt]

but you know what?
Something I kinda held back a little because I didn't want to believe it.

She wasn't there when I was doing this. I mean, physically, yes but emotionally, she was gone.

I think it honestly may be too late and I'm fooling myself into believing otherwise.

I'm actually believing her when she is saying that she isn't in love with me anymore and believing it will never happen again.

Now I KNOW I'm going against everything I'm saying to everyone and maybe just my same old vulnerable self but she freakin slept downstairs last night.

She couldn't sleep and ended up on the couch.

You know what is funny? Normally, it would tear me up. Right now, I'm really a little indifferent. I kinda don't care.

The only thing that is bugging me now is how to afford 2 different places/and all that stuff. Right now it isn't possible.

We'll just see how it goes.

Surprisingly, I'm not depressed about it. I'm unhappy and a little sad but not as bad as I was earlier. Who's becoming numb now?

Sorry to let you guys down and sorry that I don't have as much fortitude as I would like...

BUT I know that I liked being the person I am. I liked not worrying about the R and focusing on myself. That crap is way too draining and not worth doing on someone who doesn't give an effort.

Plus, like FOBD says, BITS never walk alone

[angel61]

DON'T DO OR SAY ANYTHING TO W WHEN YOU ARE IN THIS FRAME OF MIND.

Hey Bolt, you were expecting. Remember, no expectations. I think that is very common here. I find that when there are positives in my sitch, and things don't go my way, my own coaster (nothing to do with H) swings way down. Be careful, that is when you are most likely to backslide. You get negative thoughts, impulses and sometimes end up saying something you should not have said. Happened to me way to many times.

YOu do need to take a break from thinking about the R.

[MsRae]

angel,

You took the words right out of my mouth! Expectations will bite us in the butt.

Rae

[Bolt]

you are both TOO darn right. Glad I have this place to vent and that you are here to listen to my craziness.

I just needed to get it out...something I would have done in the past to my W...

even though I thought I wasn't expecting...I was expecting a little gratitude...

funny thing...so I go for a drive this morning to clear my head after posting. I called her mom who has been GREAT to me during this.

She gave me a huge perspective.

Well, guess what happens when I'm talking to her mom? W texts me. "Where'd you go?"

I told her I was driving and getting doughnuts.

She thought I was mad about her not sleeping upstairs and said she simply couldn't sleep and wanted to finish her book. I said, it was all good - I was just debating whether to get doughnuts or not.

I avoided that majorly. Now if I can just keep all of this under control.

I do look at taking a break from thinking and just do...man, why can't we follow our own advice?

thanks angel for yelling at me too. I didn't say or do anything and have avoided a huge backslide.

Eventually, I'll be able to catch it on my own but for now, sorry, but you guys are stuck with my manic-ness

[angel61]

I know! And we expect more when things are going great..... instead of being happy and content that we achieved a small step, we want more!

I myself am in that place right now. When H left for vacation, we were on a positive note. He called a couple of times and our convos were light but cheerful, and long (not like before when we would have a 2 minute update) but I still find myself jumping when the phone rings and getting disappointed. Yesterday evening I was writing a text to H and stopped myself in time.

I was thinking to myself, just like Bolt, that it is actually really hopeless, that H is gone too far, but again....

That is why it is baby steps.... these things don't turn around in a few days. From what I have seen on the boards, it takes months, years even.

So I tell myself:

Concentrate on keeping the lighthouse lit....the house happy and comfortable, appealing to our lost spouses....a refuge for their troubled souls....the way home smooth and paved. It is a journey, and one day they might just decide to join us once again, for good.

Hey Boltie, ya reading along? agree?

I think your W is testing the waters. She already is seeing you, but is hesitant. She joins in briefly, is not yet connecting, backs off a little, thinks, and then will come back to walk with you some more distance. Be patient!

We are all in this together.

BITS!

[grr]

yeah, my first thought was "well maybe she was restless and didn't want to wake you"
silly bolt
glad your feeling better

[Denver_2010]

Same here Bolt... Doesn't take much to get you to the ledge! You especially need to make sure that you come here and wait at least 24 hours before you do or say anything rash!

Man, that was close...

BITS
Denver