Starting a new thread as I need some help here, I am trying to think about some of the more unique aspects of my sitch and seeing if anyone out there can give feedback.
I am starting to doubt if my H really has MLC. Maybe he is more of a WAS? Triggered by the A? although I know people would say whatever it is, it is a still alife crisis, a catastrophic one.
Contrary to what I see in many cases here of MLC, my H now has accepted ALL the blame for our sitch. He seems bent on exonerating me (and OW) of blame and piling the guilt on himself. I am not sure how to approach this, I know he is justifying the sitch and trying not to make people around him feel worse than they are already feeling but it is also abnormal. At first I was just too glad that he started looking into himself; now I am not too sure.
At first my vengeful self told him that now that he knows he made the mistakes, he should suffer the consequences of his mistakes and not expect others to suffer it for them. He accepted that and I could see that he tried; but the burden was too heavy.
The part of me that is now turning around and loving him unconditionally saw that he was suffering, that he is carrying a heavy burden.
Last Sunday I told him that I wanted him to be happy and started showing to him that I have accepted that it may be with or without him.
As I go along my journey, more insight comes up. I started this post thinkng of asking advice from everyone on how they perceive my H's taking on the blame; and what to do, as I type I am starting to think of what I should do.
I do not think I can let him go on thinking that it is all his fault. As they say, it takes two.
What I don't know as of this moment is how to do it.
Friends, let me know if what I am saying makes sense....
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Did you ever play pinball? The way the ball goes pinging around the board from one extreme to another.
That, dear one, is you right now. And it is perfectly normal under the circumstances. You mentioned vengence, unconditional love, his happiness and going on without him practically in one breath.
What is does say about you is that you are in no way detached from this man mentally. THAT is what you have to work on in yourself. What he is going through, whether it be MLC or just stupidity, is still his journey, and you cannot assist.
I'm afraid I don't know your personal living situation. ( Read too many posts) but staying dark and away from my H did the most for me. You have to work on YOU, and let him deal with his own demons.
This is not a 2 x 4 Angel, just an observation. Meant kindly.
Angel, my XH seemed to do this 2 weeks ago. When I finally told him I was ready to be detached and didn't want to know any more about his life, where he was moving, if he was moving in with the OW, or anything else, and that I wanted to say I loved him but being connected to him opened fresh wounds for me so I was saying goodbye, I got back a very tear-filled (he said he was crying at the time) email where he wrote a whole paragraph about how he was taking FULL RESPONSIBILITY for the failure of the marriage, how I was wonderful, how it was all his fault, blah blah blah. I felt sorry for him. I wanted to hold him and say "it will be ok, I can handle all this pain, but I don't want you to be in pain."
Guess what? That same man yesterday sent me an email saying that karma could go to hell right along with him if it "decided" he did something "wrong" because he was "only being true to himself" when he had the affair and divorced me.
I would add to what punkin says above and say that pinball works with the XH or STBXH too.
Now my X is in angry, spiteful, defiant mood, treating me again like I'm the enemby. 2 weeks ago, sad and pitiful to the point where I was ready to say that everything he did was "ok" because I didn't want to see him hurting.
Know what my psychiatrist says? That my XH is playing out a drama where he is the victim, where we must all feel sorry for him because he was "just doing what he HAD to do", and that this makes him a HUGE manipulator and that for my own sanity and peace, I need to stay away from him. If he grows up and stops this bs, then maybe I can be in contact, but if not, he's taking me for a ride.
I wonder if your situation is at all similar?
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Punkin, yes I played pinball. Although I did say it all in one breath, the process was a long drawn out one, with the pain and resentment lasting a long time, since Bomb, till now, gradually easing but of course not gone. The acceptance and letting go I have been trying but only have been able to do partially, but enough to let me function again. I still live with H so its hard to be dark, and we are trying to make D12's home life normal, that is why I wish to make our situation as bearable as possible. The EA was halted in Nov by OW as she felt guilty, but I know they are still in contact, and H is still hoping to pursue OW, as far as I know.
Antonia, H started saying it was all his fault starting sometime when OW was pulling away, around October . It started with OW feeling guilty about breaking us up.
At first, H blamed me for deterioration of our M, saying it was because of my dominance, my demands for affection, my being overly ambitious, etc. Then when OW started pulling away because of guilt, he started turning the blame to himself. He talked to me, apologizing for blaming me, he said it was because he was just justifying his A. He said that he is to blame as he made a mistake - that he realized he never loved me, and now he is trapped. He said I deserve better than him.
He has not turned around on that statement, rather, he seems to believe it more and more. I have told him that although I accept that he does not feel anything for me at this point, I do not believe he never loved me. A few weeks ago he actually admitted also that he did love me in the beginning, but he thinks not strongly enough, or else he would not have had been attracted to OW (Gosh, I cannot believe how immature these men are!!!)
I rode along, making him feel the guilt and letting him take the blame, for a while.
What concerned me lately is this: some weeks ago a well known doctor in our field of work committed suicide. Apparently, he was overcome with guilt as he was doing the same thing with his family as my H is. My H told me about this, and mentioned that maybe it would be better if he just did the same too. I was shocked, as he never ever did say anything to me about such things (unlike me, I do have that tendency to say I wish I were dead, or something equally dramatic, which H hated. Of course i don't say those anymore).
I doubt if he will ever do that though. I am not about to call 911 just yet....
But now after your post on the victim mentality, I think that is what is happening to my H. As the victim, he is trying to gain both my and OW's sympathy!
Did I played right into his hands by letting him know that I did not want him to be in pain any longer and wanted him to be happy!
Well at least he could not say that I am selfish....
I cannot fully stay away from his drama, as we live together. I am finding that this living together situation is really so much harder, no wonder many LBS's are the ones who file!
What do I do?
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
The next time he says something to you about it being his fault, your fault, the dogs fault, you could try responding in a way that lets him know you hear what he is saying without agreeing or disagreeing.
Having them still in your home is really trying. You never get a break from it.
All the more reason to really focus on you and doing whatever it takes to take care of yourself and your D.
Sorry about the living arrangement. It scuks. As far as playing into his hands by saying you did not want him in pain, yada yada, I believe you did. They are in in the right frame of mind to appreciate what you are trying to say, only that you do as they want and make it your fault, not theirs. And playing you off against the OW? THAT would send me over the edge.
It's not a competition where he is the prize. It's a marriage that he is risking destroying. Just sayin'
Punkin, No, I don't mean he is playing me off against the OW.
With him as a victim, taking the blame:
1. OW might change her tune, accept she is not to blame, take pity on him in his pain, and come back (remember she cut off the EA) 2. I will be more sympathetic and will give him what he wants (freedom, friendship). So both actions will benefit him....
And I believe he does this subconsciously, really believing his own justifications. But I have already seen that when faced with proof, he can be influenced to believe something else, and this was even before we started having problems in our M. That is why I have read somewhere (marriage advocate articles on MLC) that we have to be careful in asking questions, talking, as they are planting seeds in the mind of the MLCer. I do believe though that ultimately, the truth will come out. Right now, I have started working on reversing his mindset, am planting seeds, by appealing to his "idealistic" side. I do see it is starting to work, to be honest.
Good thing I have not gone so far as taking the blame away from him....I did tell him that because I love him (not because he was to blame), I could not bear to see him miserable, and that even if it was painful for me (drama on my part? guilting? I don't know, past analyzing my words sometimes) I was willing to let go of him.
As I said in my previous threads, there seems to have a positive side to what I told him. He has relaxed now, has seen that I am sincere in wanting his happiness, in letting go. I think that with all these motives, etc. flying around, the ultimate thing I am trying to achieve is a peaceful home where he can relax and start appreciating what I am to our family.
As for living arrangements: Well, H has been on vacation for 6 days now, and to tell you the truth, I am not missing him (except when I had to take out the garbage, as that is his job! I also miss his cooking....)
So today, I will quickly clean the house, then go to the gym, then shop! I will put myself in a cheerful frame of mind and pick him up at the airport tomorrow. He will bring me and D12 to a new restaurant for lunch then we go to his workplace, where he plans to do a bit of work while D1 and I hang out with him. I don't have work tomorrow.
I will make sure to look gorgeous!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
