Wife of 6-years wants a divorce - pt 3

[spellfire]

I wrote this from your last thread but couldnt post it coz it was locked.

So...all that talk about of me having a few more months of being under one roof just drastically went south. My wife asked if we could sit down and talk. I said sure we can. So out came the words I never dreamt my wife, MY WIFE, would ever say: "I'm moving out by the end of next week." Nothing prepares you for it, really. But I remained calm and composed throughout the whole conversation.

You are doing good by not panicing.

- My wife was obviously emotionally hurting while telling me her plans.

Stop worrying about what she is feeling.

- She will be moving to an undisclosed location nearby.

BOUNDARY: Your kid is not going anywhere that you are not informed of. Either she goes alone and the kid stays with you, or you need to know where your kid is at, so she must tell you.

- She said she needed to leave because of all that's been going, she feels like she can't breathe and can't deal with her anger and guilt while we're in the same house; she is more guarded and she explains she has been mean to me because she felt trapped and at the same time didn't want me to see her in pain.

At least she is saying what she feels and not turning it back on what you did. I'm not buying it though.

- She still thinks that even though I seem nice and fine now, I might be all angry and mean later on, and try to get in the way of her plans. She said I have been known to be fickle during our marriage.
- I validated her fears and how I was indeed fickle during our marriage.

"I can understand why you would see me as fickle during our marriage".
Validating is not straight out agreeing with her. Don't get me wrong, you did good to validate here, just try not to confirm that you are fickle by nature.

- My wife then said started talking about child custody. She said that was one of the reasons she went to the child psych. It was to get advice on what's developmentally important for our son. The psych said that during separations/divorce, 2-3+ boys have a strong desire for their mothers. So my wife mentioned that our son's living arrangement should be based at her new place. For now, we've agreed on me having him for two full days a week and picking him up from school everyday and having dinner with him. Plus she mentioned that since it's one of her busier year in terms of going for residency interviews and courses, I'll be having my son for many days at a time.

So NOW the real motive for her visit comes out.

- My wife didn't want me to know where she's moving to. Not yet, she said. Then she started tearing up. She said she just needed to be away from this for awhile. I told her that I understood she needs the space, and reassured her I wasn't or will not be angry.

This is good, but please note what I said previously. As a parent, it is your right to know where you kid is going to be. She will accuse you of using the kid as leverage to learn her location and control her. Simply deny it outright, and tell her she is welcome to not take your kid, then she doesnt need to disclose the location. No parent should be forced to not know the location of their kid. Enforce this boundary and make it clear it is all about the kid, and not your need to know where SHE is at. Do not back down on this, she will test you.

- I brought up custody when she goes into residency. It seemed like she was likely going out of state. She said yes. Are you going to place a court order on me, she asked? I didn't go into that, but got my point across that I want my son to still be part of my life. Not summer visits and all that. I asked about who's going to care for our son when she's in residency, with its 30-hour work shifts and all. I said ideally our son should be cared for by both his father and mother, not family members (I know she has her parents in mind). My wife said well, it will really depend on which hospital/state she gets accepted into, so it's too early to tell. We both agreed that we'll discuss this later on. Personally, even though she wants to go the uncontested route, I really worry about what I need to do to keep my son close.

Not gonna comment on the whole uncontested thing. I would just say that she is going to try to call all the shots and manipulate it in her favor. How you choose to deal with that is up to you.

- Then she asked if we can figure out what furniture and things either of us wants to keep. When we talked about wedding pictures, she broke down. And I cried with her too. She said she never dreamt that she'd have those photos taken down and stored in a box. She cried more when she said she'll probably sell her wedding gown. We cried together again.

This is going to sound a little harsh, but please try to stop crying in front of and with her. Let her cry, but be a rock. Not that crying is bad, you need it. Just do it in private and get it all out in a healthy way in her absence.

- My wife comments that I probably think she's evil and is a mean b****, and will go complaining to people about her, but that's understandable due to what's happening. I acknowledge her, and told her if I called her evil before, it was mean spirited and wrong of me.

Evil and mean b**** are no longer in your vocabulary with regards to her. I would let her know in some way that you have the opinion that what she is doing is selfish and in her best interests and not that of you or your child, but that it is your opinion, and you will not say a bad word to others about it, not even to your family or closest friends.

- She said she was done dealing with me. The lying is what did her in. So many years, so many times. She brought up that I lied as recently as yesterday when she noticed my infamous face twitch that I do when I lie about something. I said yes I did, I lied to you. She said that who knows what else I'm doing. Then I made a mistake by challenging her by asking her of she'd read my face now if she'd ask me if I, say for example, didn't teach my son how to brush his teeth? Will it twitch? She said she couldn't read it at that time because we were in different rooms. I said, well, if I was lying, you could still ask me after the fact, and my face should still twitch if I was lying, right? I realized I was challening her and quickly backed off.

Your back is to the wall. You were afraid she was trying to take your child away. You acting irrationally over that. You are not going to lie or deceive anymore. Just tell her "no more lies, I realize the damage they do now".

- She continued saying that my lying isn't just about porn, it's about almost everything else (how does she know that for a fact?). I owned up and said yes, I lied about many things and I regret doing that to you.

Whenever she brings up lying, just keep reinforcing your position that you are done lying, you can finally see how damaging it is.

- And she said again that she thinks there's no way I'm off porn. When I answered her question a couple of nights ago if I was I said, "No, I'm not addicted any more." She said that's what addicts who are in denial and not inwardly aware of their addiction. She reminded me that I used to say that throughout our marriage after/during counselling, but I was not changed. So she said that's why she needs to be with a man that can be honest with her. She can't live like this anymore. I said I understand, I was very dishonest with you, way more than I needed to. I said what I said the other night was a general statement, and that I am aware of my triggers and it's not a losing struggle for me anymore. She didn't believe me.

You can't convince her via words. Tell her straight up "I don't care if you believe me or not, I am done with it. I have made this change for me, and as long as I know I am off it, that's all that matters". Key here is that you must truly be done with it.

- She told me she wants someone who'll be honest, work hard and treat her well. Then she added: "That's also why I want to move out, I have so much guilt and anger towards you for how you treated that I need to deal with." I then told her that agree with you and if she ever needed someone to talk or vent about this or anything, I'm here. She said she didn't want to put that on me. We're not married anymore. I reassured her, and said you know my stance. Whatever you choose to do, I will be here for you. I may have to say no from time to time, but know that you have my ears and heart, because I care about you a lot. She started crying again, and I tried comforting her. She said through her teary eyes, "Part of me says stop crying and let everything go back to normal...but I can't be with you."

Do not tell her you will be there for her no matter what. If she goes, she loses you. She doesnt get to cake eat and have all the benefits of you, without the commitment. Since you have already said this, do not retract it, just do not say those things again. When she finally leaves she is going to need to miss you. Whenever she interacts with you, she will see the man she fell for, not the man you have recently been.

- We started onto a slightly religious conversation, about divorce. But then she said she is at peace with God about she's doing. What she said next really broke my heart (I didn't let it show, though): "Which is why I will probably try around a little". I knew that she meant sleeping around. She said she needed to see who has good libido, because her husband didn't even want to have sex with her on their wedding night. The bible never said you shouldn't sleep around. A lot of the women and men in the bible were pretty promiscuous. Then she said, "I don't know why I told you that."

Okay man, this may be hard to hear, but I gotta tell you what my gut feels. I suspect she already has someone in mind that has shown interest in her. It may not be physical yet, but she may be pushing the D through as fast as possible to try. Please do not freak out, but keep in mind, she KEEPS BLAMING YOU for her wanting to leave, when in reality it may just be her acting on her wayward emotions.

- A little into the conversation, she said, "Now, I don't know who'll want a saggy body like mine, saggy boobs, saggy belly sac. You, on the other hand, will get to have sex with a woman with a perfect body who's never had kids. I just hope to find someone who accepts my saggy body. This is what I get for saving myself before marriage. Do YOU find my saggy boobs and tummy attractive?" I said, "Oh yes."

She is trying to make it sound like you are getting the better deal sexually out of her leaving. Trying to soften her guilt over leaving.

One thing I realized from reading your post today is that her hurt over your porn addiction is not as much about her thinking less of you for being a porn addect, or lying about quitting (all the things she blames for), as much as it is that she has felt sexually rejected, neglected, and replaced with porn by you. You have not been taking good care of her sexually and the porn is just salt in the wound. All the blame and anger directed at you over the porn is burning resentment for how you have neglected her in this way and selected pornography instead.

- She then said it's interesting how men who realize that they can't have their wives anymore suddenly find them attractive. I said I'm aware of that statement, but from where I am, it's a huge sign I'm in control of porn and understand it. I explained to her one of my big epiphanies is that when I have a trigger or temptation, instead of seeking out porn, my heart, body, mind and (ahem) horniness becomes focused on her and her body. I looked her in the eye and said that has been one of the greatest thing I've achievement in a long time. I was and am so happy to have trigger that don't draw me back to porn. My wife just listened and DIDN'T make snide comments or say that she didn't believe me unlike earlier in our conversation.

You MANNED UP. You basically told her you want to do her instead of look at porn.

Then we spent the next hour talking about her family, their disfunctions, quirks and how her parents have mellowed out. She broke contact with her family early in our marriage and had recently got back together when we got separated. Basically we talked and laughed like we did in the past, though this time I practiced being a really good listener, making frequent eye contact, and giving her my full attention. I tried to be an active participant too, something I didn't used to do well. By now, my wife was definitely at ease talking, in contrast to the beginning of our conversation.

Excellent. More of these positive interactions, less talk about the two of you.