Shine on you crazy diamond II

[FellOnBlackDays]

Denver, I hear you, brother. I really do. Everything you say is the truth. But our sitchs are different. You now share common and frequent contact with her. You share your SS. You have chances to show her what has happened. That is not happening here. My W will not, under any circumstance, contact me. I am sure it is because she thinks that any contact initiated by her will be seen as weakness or a desire to come home. Why? Because that is how I "trained" her to feel over all the years of crappy emotional interaction with her. I will not get the chance to show her the new me because there will be no reason to in her mind. Things are different for me.

You have a new line of communication with your W and a SS to keep that line open. 2step has a WAS that is waivering and a child that seems to help keeping the line open. Lost has been living with her H and now he wants to come back. Bolt is still in the same house with his W. My sitch has an awful truth that cannot be denied. We don't have any reason to communicate now!!! She won't call because she left and if I call, I am pursuing. It is the worst "Catch 22" I have ever faced in my life.

You know what is the most sad part of it all. I know what is going on right now and I can't stop it. Do you want to know what is going on? I will tell you. Right now, she is either pissed that I have gone dark because my lack of communication was always a problem, or she is through with the M. Either way, there is not much I can do about this at this point. Yea, I have gone dark. What has that done? Well, she has too. I am damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Part of the reason why I continue to push the BITS is that I see hope so many of their sitch's. But I see none in mine. Yea, yea, I can hear Gritter now, "Is this the hill you are going to die on?" Yes, maybe it is. I just don't think you guys and gals realize what a mess I created here. She left once before, I promised change and then delivered nothing. She is dead inside and I killed it. No doubt.

Dude, I am going to bed. Nothing more can be done here tonight. I am drunk and not much good to anyone right now.

Denver, you still are my bro. I mean that. We started here together and we will be friends until the end, whatever that may be. Thanks for sticking by me. I hope I get the chance to pay you back some day!!

FOBD

[2stepboogie]

I just don't think you guys and gals realize what a mess I created here

.
If there is one group in the world that understands this, it is this one!!

Listen up FOBD,

I am not here to sugar coat or tell you what a great job you are doing.

Have you done a DB session with a coach?

You always bring my sitch up but I will tell you one thing, I am FAR from out of the woods. I've heard their is a way out of the woods but I am so deep in it that I don't know yet.

I'll tell you a little something.......If I feel I have gone dark too long with my W I will reach out to her. Every W is different and every sicth is different.

I understand about pressure. I also understand that if my W always perceived me as indifferent and lacking emotions and I act as if I am totally ok with her departure.

What is the message I am sending?

She needed to know I understood why she left and I was not angry with her. Go to my last two threads and read. I called my W back to let her know that I was truly sorry for the damage I had done. This opened up an entire week of comms.

I don't think sometimes you realize the mountain I must climb. I am swimming towards the shore in the middle of a rip current.

Everyone deals with things differently and I know you have had a rough week and drinking takes away some of the sorrow.....for that moment, until you get home and realize you are alone and start to feel like sh!t. You are constantly setting yourself up. It's like an ambush on yourself.

I think I told you I have avoided alcohol like the plague since my W left. The few times I have drank (this Friday being one) I began to sober up before I even left the bar. I know what will happen if I get drunk. I will call my W in tears and beg her to come home. She in turn will sit on the phone with me listening and calming me down. In the morning all the progress I made will be gone.

Another thing I see is you carrying quite a bit of guilt. Let me tell you something. Two are M and BOTH of you played a role in the breakdown of the M, BOTH. The only difference is that you have taken the time to find out and learn what your role was and when you start to see your role the guilt comes in.

You are missing a step...

Wwhy you acted this way. You are not some rare human life form FOBD if you where then this community would be very lonely for you. It would be you and dmod talking. Look at how many people are in the canoe floating down the sh!t river looking for a paddle.

Knowing that there is so many of us should lead you to try and understand why you said the things you said and why you acted a certain way. When you see you are not an alien life form your guilt will start to disappear.

I think that is why Denver suggested you read the article on FB, it gives you an understanding of how men think and act. If my W was to read it her resentment would be diminished because she would understand me a little better. Don’t stop there, the article is good but continue to find yourself so that you can stop blaming yourself

Read it and begin to understand yourself.

YOU FOBD, YOU

[Firstlove]

Denver and FOBD

Believe me gentlemen - many of us mess up BIG TIME - I know I did, and I am seeking the forgiveness of my wife - who is the love of my life -if I could do it all over again I would do so many things so differently - the only route to reconciliation is forgiveness

My hope and prayer is that mine will be able to forgive me - I know that I have forgiven her for her mistakes, and yes she has made quite a few in our marriage - I am just hoping that she can forgive me for mine

[Firstlove]

hey does anyone know what happens when there is no more Quick Reply box at the end of a thread - I was in a series of discussions with the BITS and wanted to give an update but there is no opportunity to do that anymore on that thread - there are only 16 pages on it - is there a limit to the number of pages

any input would be appreciated

[MsRae]

Yes, First. Threads are usually locked when they reach 100 posts.

[iwllbd1]

My W and I are both pretty active on fb. I would like to add DB to my page but I know she would see it. I would love to read this artical you are all talking about. Could someone please post it either on here or my own thread. Thanks

[ninelives]

Wow FOBD, you are in a catch 22 situation but there must be a way to navigate through it.

Is there someway to reach her about a matter concerning money , lawyers etc... that is going on in your sitch? Maybe to get the ball rolling.

Or have you reached a point in this where it is time to roll the dice and contiue to be dark and hope for the best.

If she doesnt respond, maybe that is telling you for the moment that she is truly done. But you know how these women are. Next month or week, they will change again. That seems to be the only constent I think is that they are effed up and are really confused about what they are doing.

All the best.

NINE
BITS

[Redo]

You know what is the most sad part of it all. I know what is going on right now and I can't stop it. Do you want to know what is going on? I will tell you. Right now, she is either pissed that I have gone dark because my lack of communication was always a problem, or she is through with the M. Either way, there is not much I can do about this at this point. Yea, I have gone dark. What has that done? Well, she has too. I am damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Part of the reason why I continue to push the BITS is that I see hope so many of their sitch's. But I see none in mine. Yea, yea, I can hear Gritter now, "Is this the hill you are going to die on?" Yes, maybe it is. I just don't think you guys and gals realize what a mess I created here. She left once before, I promised change and then delivered nothing. She is dead inside and I killed it. No doubt.
FOBD

Hey FOBD, i don't know your sitch fully, but I have reading your posts regularly and man what you said above resembles mine.

We have a 3 year old daughter. My W left for 6 months in 2009 because she could not deal with my issues any more. I tried some improvement. She came back in '09. Now she's gone permanently serving me the divorce papers and trying to fast track it to completion by this month's end. She's least interested in talking to me. She's the one who is mostly dark on me. I cannot talk to my daughter a lot because i quickly break down and start crying. So i try not to talk to my daughter that much. I hate it, but right now thats how it is gonna be.

The reason i am telling you this is so that you dont feel that you are alone in this man. I guess all of us here are just in slightly different boats, but in the same bloody rough sea. But you have to believe that this storm too shall pass and you will reach shore. I know that this weekend has been horrible for me too. But i am trying build and keep the faith in myself that i can turn my W around, albeit slowly. You gotta believe that for now. Take care.

[grr]

fobd - one thing i do know, and i'm sorry if this sounds so harsh, that drinking yourself into oblivion, drinking to numb the pain, is going to hurt you way more in the end
we are your friends
we care about you
you are valuable to us
so stop it
i don't know that your do it often, but even a few times a week is too much

your wife left once and came back
so did my husband
and i am working toward making that happen again

so should you

it's not over til it's over
and even then who knows

i will tell you that if i left my h, the only chance i would come back would be to come back to a strong functioning male

that's what we women want

go to the fb page and read that article on 12 ways to talk to your man
many of us have
it was helpful

and as a strong, caring male, i would love your opinion on it

check in with us and have a great day

[Firstlove]

FOBD

I don't know your sitch there either in any great detail other than reading your posts, and feeling your pain brother. Let me throw out a few things for you to consider, if they make zero sense, throw them out, but here are a few of my 2 cents worth.

A little background first. Married for 33 years here to the most beautiful woman on the planet and the love of my life and the mother of my precious children. I spent pretty much 33 years doing my best to kill her spirit from my own selfishness and I have done an excellent job of making her soul dead inside, due to my selfishness and own weaknesses. And I did that to God's gift in my life, believe me when I tell you friend, you do not corner the market on making mistakes when it comes to loving your wife the proper way. I could give CLASSES on how to mess things up beyond comprehension. Have I been in your shoes and walked a zillion miles in them, yes I have. Here are a few things I am learning in life.

1. We all make mistakes, each and every one of us, there is not one perfect and righteous person on this planet, not one. We are all sinners my friend, lighten up on yourself.
2. Forgiveness is the only key to healing - you have to forgive yourself and then forgive those who have transgressed against you. Forgiveness is NOT an easy thing to do, but it is worth it. I heard this one time and it stuck. It was written by a man who saw his family murdered in front of him in the Nazi concentration camps. This is his quote " Forgiveness has its value only in forgiving - the unforgiveable". I think he knew something about experiencing the unforgiveable.
3. There are three things important in this human life we live - the first is to be kind - the second is to be kind and the third - is to be kind.
4. Faith and hope, irregardless of one's circumstances is an AMAZING force. Have faith my friend and be a man of hope in all things. Remember this, "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see"
5. I, through my selfishness have caused the death of love by my own hands in my marriage. My wife has no hope for our future and will not even speak one word to me of building something new after 33 years of her trying her best. She is now DONE with me and everytime I turn around trying to make amends and correct the error of my ways, I am met with rebuke and a stern "NO" - I am done, let it go.
6. I will fight to restore the love I destroyed even it it takes a lifetime. My wife is the love of my life and I will spend my life trying to prove that love is real. Love is patient, love is kind, love is not envious. Love does not brag, it is not puffed up it is not rude, it is not self-serving it is not easily angered or resentful. It is not glad about injustice, but rejoices in the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,endures all things. Love never fails.
7. When it comes to my marriage and my wife fully realizing that she is the most important woman in the world to me and I love her more that words can ever express - I am taking the words of Winston Churchill

NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER - give up

These are just a few of the things that I say to myself -everyday.

Peace brother, have hope - stay the course - fight - be strong - if you quit - you will never win. You deserve both grace and abundance in your life - you can do it.