BITS, The "Prodigal Son" has returned. Man, it is almost impossible to keep away from these boards for four days. I have missed almost two entire threads from Denver and 2step. I have been sitting here for two hours reading like mad and I still have a long way to go! I will do my best to get around to everyone eventually.
Well, not much to report here. No contact from W since last Sunday when she "breezed" through on her way to her better life without old FOBD. But, I guess when it rains, it pours. As many of you know, I was headed to my company's national business conference last week. I have been with the company for 10 years and have made some wonderful friends. One in particular is a fellow we will call Hal. Hal and I were hired at the same time and went through training together. He is truly my best friend in the company. My company makes us room with someone at these conferences and for the past 10 years, Hal has been my roommate. He is married with 5 kids and is a wonderful father and husband. He is always in a good mood and is one of those people that you want to hang around when you are down because he ALWAYS picks you up. With all that is going on, I was REALLY looking forward to hanging out with my buddy. We only see each other once a year at this meeting.
So, I arrive at the meeting on Tuesday morning and turn on my phone to call him. There is a text waiting for me there when the phone goes on. It is from HAL. Tuesday morning his grandfather died while living out in California. My friend, my buddy, my support was going to have to head out to the funeral and had been excused from the conference. We would not get to see each other...
I was excited to go to this meeting because I would be away from home, away from my sitch, with friends, would have a roommate (so no alone time) and could relax. So much for that. I kind of went into a tail-spin. And then, my manager, who is a wonderful individual to work for and has numerous times granted me unofficial leave from work to tend to my sitch announces he has taken a promotion and will be moving on. Now, in the middle of battling a S or D, I have to start working for a new person who knows nothing about my track record with the company or the horrible mess I am dealing with at home.
Folks, I am starting to feel like a fighter who is getting pummeled and the referee won't stop the fight!! I keep looking to the corner, but no one will throw in the towel. I am just standing here, getting my ass beat to a bloody pulp while everyone, other than my BITS and my family, just stand there and watch.
Sorry, BITS. This trip was supposed to be a "pick me up," and it turned out to be just another roundhouse to the face. I wish I could be more of a positive force these days, but I just don't have that right now.
One good thing to report. The conference always ends with a huge awards gala with an open bar. The liquor was flowing and people were dancing to the band and celebrating another year of sales behind us. A fairly attractive, blond female I work with was hitting the sauce pretty hard. We had been hanging out together for most of the meeting because she says she finds me hilarious. She has a boyfriend and talks about him often. She knows nothing of my current sitch. Well, at the after party, she offered me to go back to her room and have a "pillow fight." I am not sure what she meant by that, but I think I kind of have an idea of what she had in mind. I politely declined. I then found another female to walk her to her room to ensure she got there. I know that I still love my W too much to head down that road. Even though I know my W probably already has...
Last night, my buddy who lost his brother called me up and took me out for drinks and dinner. I let him pick the place. He unknowingly picked a place that my W and I loved. When we walked in, there was a woman sitting in a booth that looked like my W. I froze. I stood there blocking the door like an idiot unable to walk any further. It was not her, but I thought it was and I didn't know what to do. I had to go the bathroom and compose myself before I could continue with my evening. Pretty sad...
I want to take just a moment to send out some "Congratulations" to Denver, Lost, Bolt and 2step. I was so happy to come home to such good news for all of them!!!!
Folks, I want to leave you with one thought today. Close to 50% of all marriages end in divorce these days. That means that only 1/2 of us here are going to get to save what we love. It is just like combat. Just before the bullets start to fly, you have to realize that "the guy standing next to you won't see the sunrise." You also have to keep in mind that in his head, you are "the guy standing next to him." Get my drift? One of you is not going to go home. Same applies here. As much as we would like to see it, not all of us are going to get to go home. The quicker we can adopt and accept this, the better off we might be in our new life should there be no reconciliation. Today, I am starting to embrace that notion...
I am going out again tonight. There is a good chance I will get completely hammered, so I am leaving my cell phone home (to avoid the drunk call to W) and I am hiding my computer (so I don't come home and upset the BITS). I wish you all a wonderful evening and a great weekend! Talk to you all tomorrow.
BITS never walk alone!!!!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
The board has not been the same without you. I will share this story with you:
We got into Bastogne late on the night of 18 December, 1944. We were not well equipped, having just gotten out of combat in Holland. We were particularly short of winter clothing and footwear. On the 21st of December we became completely surrounded by Germans and our field hospital was overrun by a German attack. We had put the hospital in what would normally have been a safe place, but no place is safe when you are completely surrounded. At this time, we were not able to receive air resupply because the weather was absolutely frightful. It was very, very cold and snowy. Visibility was often measured in yards. Our lack of winter gear was partially offset by the citizens of Bastogne who gave us blankets and white linens that we used for camouflage.
While we were still surrounded, on the morning of December 22, a German surrender party, consisting of two officers and two NCOs, and carrying a white flag, approached our perimeter in the area of our Glider Regiment, the 327th. The party was taken to a nearby platoon command post. While the enlisted men were detained the officers were blind folded and taken to the command post of the 327th where they presented their surrender ultimatum. The ultimatum in essence said the 101st's position was hopeless and that if we elected not to surrender a lot of bad things would happen.
The message was brought in to the Division Headquarters by Major Alvin Jones, the S-3, and Colonel Harper, the Regimental Commander. They brought the message to me, the G-3 and Paul Danahy, the G-2. My first reaction was that this was a German ruse, designed to get our men out of their fox holes. But be that as it might, we agreed that we needed to take the message up the line. We took it first to the acting Chief of Staff of the Division, Lt. Col. Ned Moore. With him, we took the message to the acting Division Commander General Tony McAuliffe. Moore told General McAuliffe that we had a German surrender ultimatum. The General's first reaction was that the Germans wanted to surrender to us. Col. Moore quickly disabused him of that notion and explained that the German's demanded our surrender. When McAuliffe heard that he laughed and said: "Us surrender? Aw, nuts!" the date was December 22nd, 1944
To the U.S.A. Commander of the encircled town of Bastogne.
The fortune of war is changing. This time the U.S.A. forces in and near Bastogne have been encircled by strong German armored units. More German armored units have crossed the river Our near Ortheuville, have taken Marche and reached St. Hubert by passing through Hompre-Sibret-Tillet. Libramont is in German hands.
There is only one possibility to save the encircled U.S.A. troops from total annihilation: that is the honorable surrender of the encircled town. In order to think it over a term of two hours will be granted beginning with the presentation of this note.
If this proposal should be rejected one German Artillery Corps and six heavy A. A. Battalions are ready to annihilate the U.S.A. troops in and near Bastogne. The order for firing will be given immediately after this two hours' term.
All the serious civilian losses caused by this artillery fire would not correspond with the well known American humanity. The German Commander.
But then McAuliffe realized that some sort of reply was in order. He pondered for a few minutes and then told the staff, "Well I don't know what to tell them." He then asked the staff what they thought, and I spoke up, saying, "That first remark of yours would be hard to beat." McAuliffe said, "What do you mean?" I answered, "Sir, you said 'Nuts'." All members of the staff enthusiastically agreed, and McAuliffe decided to send that one word, "Nuts!" back to the Germans. McAuliffe then wrote down: "To the German Commander, "Nuts!" The American Commander."
McAuliffe then asked Col. Harper to deliver the message to the Germans. Harper took the typed message back to the company command post where the two German officers were detained. Harper then told the Germans that he had the American commanders reply. The German captain then asked, "Is it written or verbal?" Harper responded that it was written and added, "I will place it in your hand."
The German major then asked, "Is the reply negative or affirmative? If it is the latter I will negotiate further."
At this time the Germans were acting in an arrogant and patronizing manner and Harper, who was starting to lose his temper, responded, "The reply is decidedly not affirmative." He then added that, "If you continue your foolish attack your losses will be tremendous."
Harper then put the German officers in a jeep and took them back to where the German enlisted men were detained. He then said to the German captain, "If you don't know what 'Nuts' means, in plain English it is the same as 'Go to Hell'. And I'll tell you something else, if you continue to attack we will kill every goddam German that tries to break into this city."
The German major and captain saluted very stiffly. The captain said, "We will kill many Americans. This is war." Harper then responded, "On your way Bud," he then said, "and good luck to you." Harper later told me he always regretted wishing them good luck.
FOBD:
If you love your W, which clearly you do, sometimes you have to just say "NUTS". This is war my friend! And it ain't easy or pretty!!
fobd - i am sorry your trip was not what you wanted..but excited you were hit on! good for you i'm sure she found you witty and attractive, as will many others as your wife surely knows you are keep positive it's not over til it's over, and even then, it's not over it just becomes the next adventure and why not stick to iced tea tonight? you will feel much better in the morning we are here for you
FOBD - have you checked out the Divorce busting group on facebook?
Good articles posted there... grr was interested in the article "12 Talking Tips for Getting Through to your man. Which of these tips can you most improve at?" I 'liked' it and commented. grr would thx you to check it out!!
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Bolt and Grr, thanks for the kind words. Bolt, I love the inspiration you provide with your progress. Grr, I love the fact that you just won't give up. Very awesome people I have come to know here.
2step, tomorrow when I am sober I will send you some words regarding your post. I loved it!!!! And, tomorrow, I will tell you why.
Denver, Just got home and decided to fire up computer. No, can't find stuff on FB. But, I have had quite a few beers tonight, so I am not in my best frame of mind. Dude, I just can't seem to shake my dependence on "the bottle." I turn to it weekend after weekend. Crap, here again...
Tonight as I drove home very slowly in the right hand lane with the windows down and chewing a mouth full of gum, I started to play this song on my Ipod. It is an old Garth Brooks song from 20 years ago. I don't even like country music, but my old roommate used to play this all the time. It goes a little something like this:
Like birds on a high line They line up at night time at the bar They all once were lovebirds Now bluebirds are all that they are They landed in hell The minute they fell from love's sky And now they hope in the wine That they'll find a new way to fly
A new way to fly Far away from goodbye Above the clouds and the rain The memories and the pain And the tears that they cry Now the lessons been learned They've all crashed and burned But they can leave it behind If they could just find A new way to fly
By the end of the night They'll be high as a kite once again And they don't seem to mind all the time Or the money they spend It's a high price to pay to just find a way to get by But it's worth every dime If they find a new way to fly
A new way to fly Far away from goodbye Above the clouds and the rain The memories and the pain And the tears that they cry Now the lessons been learned They've all crashed and burned But they can leave it behind If they could just find A new way to fly
They'll leave it behind As soon as they find A new way to fly
My W's departure has turned me into a drunk and I need to admit it so that I can eventually combat it. You cant defeat a problem if you don't admit it is a problem. I keep trying to drink her away, but it just ain't going to happen. But once I start, I can't stop. When I am drunk, I am less lonely. I hvae become addicted to this. I have to admit it to myself and the guy in the mirror that I am going to face in teh morning. Geez, I have probably dropped over a $1000 in bars since last September when she left. I could have bought so many things with that money other than a headache and despair.
Oh well, who gives a sh*t??? Today, I have come to the conclusion that I am no longer visiting this board for me. I am here because I owe it to my BITS to come here and help them. My personal cause is no longer a priority. In every battle there comes a time when a member of the group has to sacrifice himself to hold off the enemy so that the rest of the group can get to safety. That is me now. I will stay here and "hold the fort" so that others can pass to safety and redemption. After all, every good captain must be willing to go down with his ship. My failed M and my devotion to my BITS will be my ship until I can find the strength or will to love again. Denver, how you have been able to continue in the face of what your W has thrown at you is far beyond me. You are a better man that I am or ever will be. You are my hero!
BITS will never walk alone as long as I have a computer and the will to come here each night!!!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
I've sensed that you have become really discouraged lately FOBD. Man, it just hasn't been long enough for you to throw in the towel. You've worked so hard.
Remember, we are here for 2 reasons... 1) to save our M, 2) to save ourselves.
Don't give up on either of those things...
YOU are going to be just fine FOBD... Have faith...
AND approach this thing with a 'won't quit' attitude!!
Your W is still in a fantasy land... give that at least 3 months. Reassess after that... I'm serious man.
BITS Denver
P.S. I've been drinking a little tonight too!
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Dude, you are my bro. Damn, I wish we could have a drink together. No one here in my town can really understand my despair. All the guys I run with are either single and happy or married with kids. Yes, I am full of despair and negative feelings. I have come to the following realizations:
1) My W had to leave. 2) She had to leave because of my sh*tty attitude. 3) I don't have much faith left. 4) I am a better inspiration to others than myself. 5) I could have avoided being here years ago if I just would have listened to her. 6) We don't have children and now she has the furniture and money she needs. She has no need to contact me from now on. We are racing 100 mph toward a dead end and I can't put on the brakes and she has no desire to!!!
My W was a good woman. She was the one I was supposed to live with until the end. But I wouldn't listen. I wouldn't put my own f*cking pride aside for her. Now, she is gone. It is my fault. I don't say these things to elicit sympathy from my BITS. I really don't. I say these things because they are true and I am finally able to accept that. I think it is part of detaching, isn't it? You can't get better until you accept the truth. The truth is that I destroyed my marriage by being a jackass to my W. If she doesn't come back, it will be my fault. No doubt. She took my crap for as long as she could. She took my false promises as long as she could. If I just would have given just a little, she would be here now. But I just wouldn't do it and now I will pay the ultimate price. And, I deserve it. I should be punished for what I have done. I accept this cross I have to bare as I built it with my own hands. I was cocky and over-confident and now I am facing my actions.
This is why I try so hard to help the BITS. In my heart, I hope they can succeed where I have failed. I can't believe how much I have come to love each of you guys. We don't even know each others names, but I live and die with each of your successes and failures. You guys and gals are my "marriage" now. I hope I treat you better than I treated my wife...
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Listen FOBD, it could have very well been me writing that last post but for DB. EVERYTHING that you just said, I did with my W as well. Just last night she was telling me about all of the hurt that I have put her through over the past 8 years. It made me tear up and get really emotional as she was saying these things bc I NEVER, EVER meant to hurt her. But I did it too.
So you know this, and you acknowledge it. Now work on what CAUSED you to do this to your W during your M. What do you think FOBD? Why did you do these things?
When you figure that out, you can really start to figure out how to avoid those same behaviors in the future...
This is what you need to focus on RIGHT NOW... And NO, I definitely NOT telling you that you should be giving up on your M. I'm just saying for NOW, work on yourself.
You are a great guy, but just like ME, you f'd up. Focus on fixing THAT.
One other thing that my W said to me last night is REALLY important to what I'm saying here to you and anyone else reading this...
My W first reminded me that we had had problems in the past and that EACH time I promised to change... When she left, she didn't believe that I would actually do anything different than any of these other times. That is why she says that she had finally decided that she was completely DONE...
Now, she wonders why she's considering giving me another chance... The reason? BC the most significant change that she sees in me, according to what she flat out told me last night, is a change in the 'energy' that I project.
I know that that sounds weird, but she is right. I have acknowledged to myself the issues that I have had for a while, but have only tried to cover up or hide in the past. This time IS different, bc I WANT to actually change. BC of this, I feel better about myself... happier about who I am...
This is the 'energy' that she feels coming from me when she is around me.
Work on obtaining this. Your time to shine with and for your W will come FOBD. It's going to take a lot of time, patience, and work though.
But isn't this what the BITS are all about??!?
In the meantime, you give your W the space and time that she needs to HEAL and figure out what she really wants for her life. You have to give this to her right now man... you have no choice. But this does not mean that it is the end of you M.
No D has been filed, so the clock hasn't even begun to tick. .. My sitch has just moved faster than your's. That's all.
Get your head up! Be strong... for your M, for your W, but most importantly, for yourself!!
Now come on!!
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
