From what I've read from posts of LBH's, it is very common to think of many things you could have done in the past that you want to do in the near future, if given the opportunity. I believe that comes with the big "wake-up" factor you've experienced. That in itself is good, but the mistake some make is telling the WAW. The LBS has such a strong desire to communicate to his W that he sees all these things and intends to make positive changes in whatever may be the case.
The problem in telling your W these things outside of the right time....would be her seeing it completely differently than you do. Most WAW's have the attitude of "too little too late" and sees this as a means of you trying to fix things so that she will be happy and life will be normal again. Many men see it as if saying, "Is this not what I'm suppose to do...fix things?"
It is very easy for a WAW to feel pressure by the LBH, and he may have very good intentions and is blind to how it would be pressure.
I see where a lot of LBH's want to do much talking to the WAW. Not always a great idea.
Continue to find happiness within yourself and resist giving her lists of what you want.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She told me she was getting ready to send me the divorce papers, told me yet again that we just don't have the chemistry, that she is convinced I'm not the one, and knowing that would mean I wouldn't even get to come and visit her for 5 years because of immigration, I panicked and asked her to at least complete the immigration process that we started.
Now her friends are telling her that's all really want and incredibly she is somehow appearing to believe it.
I told her i dont give a flying f**k about citizenship all I want is the chance to be close to her to see what we can do.
God help me.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
I am sorry you are in so much despair and distress. You're human, cut yourself some slack. You were driven by fear. Fear of loss. Your mind was likely darting about about like a rabbit confronted by a snake in a small room. Sheer panic. I've been there myself.
It's not over until you want it to be over. Yes this may have damaged things. It may not have too.
I hope for you from the bottom of my heart that this action of yours has a paradoxical effect on your W.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
One of the most maddening things she said last night was that if I was there she would want to work on things and give us another chance, but even though we are legally married, because she has to complete the immigration paperwork she feels that would be dishonest so she is unwilling to bring me down there, and now there is not other way I can get in!
And even MORE infuriating is that she has started listening to her friends her are saying I am just trying to use her even though I have been totally devoted to her for four years and would just as happily have her be with me in Canada.
I don't give a rat's asss where we live! I only want to be with her!
How can she be seeing things that way???
And what the heck am I gonna do now?
Eat all my clever words, I guess.
I miss her sooooooooooooooo much!!
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Okay I really need to recover some sense of dignity and self control here. What a mess I just created!
So. Back to basics. State management 101. Questions determine focus. Ask a better question, get a better focus, feeling, action and result.
What is GREAT about this COLOSSAL BLUNDER I have made? What is GREAT about all the mistakes that I made in our conversation? What is GREAT about the absurd errors in judgment that I showed?
Drop and give me 10:
1. I was honest and passionate in my response.\
2. I finally started getting some important things off my chest and putting them on the table for her to see and discuss if ever she is ready. Even if she doesn't, I've spoken up for myself.
3. I read her right when she unconsciously warned me about telling her my heart had skipped a beat. She was actually to tread carefully and at least I heard her before bulldozing my way right on through her. Tiny tiny positive in comparison, but a positive nonetheless.
4. I have massively reinforced the value and effectiveness of being patient, never pressuring her in any way, and being her best friend ESPECIALLY when times are so very tough for both of us.
5. I am sure I will learn many more things from this fiasco that will help me become a better husband, friend, lover and partner to a woman in the future, be it my current wife or not.
6. SHE WAS ONLY TEXTING ME TO THANK ME! It was the simplest thing! She was in such a happy place with me - so once again I am reinforcing the need to be fully present and appreciative every waking moment.
7. Every moment is a gift. Even this pain is for my growth. The pain is not there to hurt me. It is there to make me more aware.
8. I started to see the reality of some things that she's been doing that I really do not like. And this is really key. I have been ignoring even denying certain things that about her that don't work well for me. Truth is she is the most amazing woman I have met so there really isn't much I don't adore about her...but maybe I really do want and deserve something more.
9. All of this validates my desire to express myself and be heard for exactly who I am, and to be seen and loved for being nobody else but me no matter where I'm at.
10. I am becoming ever closer and more attuned to understanding my wife's needs, and she has already told me I am the most thoughtful, creative and understanding person she has ever met.
BONUS* Despite her saying "You are NOT the one for ME!!!" This amazing woman still counts me as her best friend in the world.
Bonus question: I am already alone, I have already felt the overwhelming pain of loss, I know that if worse comes to worse I can always use my divorce as a a catalyst for an extraordinary quality of life, so what am I so afraid of?
Turn the beat around Love to hear percussion Turn it upside down Love to hear percussion Love to hear it Love to hear it' Love to hear it Love to hear it
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
You're human, cut yourself some slack. You were driven by fear. Fear of loss. Your mind was likely darting about about like a rabbit confronted by a snake in a small room. Sheer panic.
This was gorgeous. Thank you Scylla.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
