It's me that's cycling!

[dolphin_05]

Hi Rabbit,
Good to hear from you! I hadn't seen H for quite a bit and last weekend was the first time I'd seen or heard from him aside from incidental texts. A week has passed and neither he nor I have had any contact aside from a text to change details re D's pick up. I feel nothing has changed and in fact, I think by her moving in it has made me more aware that this is his choice and I have no intention of being in contact. Like my title says, cycling but I'm cycling 3km fwd and .5 back these days.

[dolphin_05]

Today H arrived to take D driving, came to the door and came inside. D was taking a while to get organised (he was earlier than the planned time) and H waited inside. I was on the phone in my room so I just kept on with my conversation but it was interesting that he came inside as he hasn't done that since December.

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

Thank you for thinking about me. I think about you, too! (a lot)

In reality I feel we are all concerned and thinking about each other very often as we try to figure out our lives and each others along the way. It seems like we are all closer than being a family as this is the only place where our feelings are shared and understood. We can be real and honest here and while we may earn an occasional 2 x 4 it is with good intentions and we are not ostracized for wanting our marriages reconciled.

I have been MIA because I got a new job and it has been difficult to learn. I am now working 3 jobs and am beat at the end of the day and the AM comes way to early.

I have taken a few minutes this week to follow along and have read through all your recent posts.

I still have the thought that your H will very soon realize moving OW & SON in will have been a very bad idea.

OW - forced H to let her and son move in by begging and making promises H could live with. She has no intent in following through once on the inside and she thinks he is no longer paying attention.

OW - IS going to become demanding like never before. She has no money so certainly will beg, plead and insist that H help her/them.

OW - IS going to demand to know of his whereabouts and any contact with your daughter thus she will become aggressive/controlling and confrontational towards those visits because they will involve seeing you.

OW - IS going to demand that H be communicative with her son and start doing for him.

OW - motives for moving in ARE very different from what H thinks. He will wake up and realize that she was only looking for a meal ticket and a free ride. I can place a bet that from now on she won't even try and find suitable income or a new place.

H - might already be thinking. True colors are already being seen.

Cas, today your H came inside to peek. He wanted to see what he's missing. Sure he could have sat in the car, daughter probably already knew he was there. He didn't. I have the thought he was hoping to see you. He was earlier than planned on purpose. He had it all planned out. He was hoping to have a nice interaction with you.

If I were you, I would look like I am great. I'm great, home is great, it's all "a bed of roses" (for real) right here with daughter and I and in this home. A place of refuge and peace. A place where love is unconditional. A place where one can receive all the nurturing they need. A place one would be crazy not to want to live in.

I practice this right here every day.

I cook up yummies and have them available all the time, when ever H stops by he is well received and I am ready to offer sustenance and H feels good, really good.

Last Saturday, H popped by to help son fix his snowmobile. I was upstairs in my bathroom getting ready for my day. I stayed upstairs longer than planned on purpose. I listened for 20 minutes while H and son bantered back and forth. While I was upstairs my bedroom door was left open on purpose and the door to my bathroom was also left open. H came upstairs and came right into my bathroom and chatted with me while I did my hair.
I also had some yummy breakfast stuff and he stayed right through lunch and I had a yummy homemade Italian Meat Sauce which I served over pasta, H had two plate fulls!!!!! He left feeling goooooood!!!!

My point Cas, I have made it possible for H to feel very comfortable again in this house and with me and son and while it is a painfully slow process, my methods/treatment towards H "might" be working. I say this with caution because I want no expectations.

You don't have to make contact with him, but show him he is accepted and welcome when he pokes his head out. In the past when he has done this it's YOU he seeks out, don't disappoint him.

You and H have a common interest in good food, I've always thought that this was a way to create interaction between the two of you. Next driving day, come up with something he can't resist. Make him seek out you/your home as a refuge...he's going to need one really bad.

Cas, I understand you so well. As hard as we try we cannot give up. I know what you want. I am praying that you will blessed and receive. H isn't ready to give up either.

Wondering what happened when H brought daughter back home?

Cas, thinking of you all the time (((((hugs)))))

Sanderika

[dolphin_05]

Hi Sanderika. It was so good to hear from you.

Thank you for thinking about me. I think about you, too! (a lot) In reality I feel we are all concerned and thinking about each other very often as we try to figure out our lives and each others along the way.

True. I am much more inclined to share information here than with other friends and family. They are just plain sick of it all and especially because H goes from happy phase to grumpy phase all the time.

Congratulations on your new job. I know what you mean about being exhausted at the end of the day..... I am the same way with my new job. There's quite a few differences and many challenges. My usual job is much more comfortable but I do know I'm making a significant difference at this new job which feels good.

Are you in a position to eliminate one of your jobs? It must be exhausting to have 3 different jobs.

Some responses to ow moving in with H........

H would not have let OW move in unless he was happy with the idea.He's no 'pushover'. He's set it up for a 6 month trial with lots of conditions. It suited his purpose because he needs the money. I agree that she's made lots of promises and I'm sure she'll be on her best behaviour right now but she won't be able to keep it up.

I agree with you that the tension will be there because they will have different expectations. H will be treating her and her son as boarders (new slant on friends with benefits......boarder with benefits!!!!) and she will picture herself as his partner. He will view her son as 'her son' and she will view him as H's stepson.H will not be loving father to her son.

I agree with you that ow will become demanding like never before. She will want his financial assistance and help with her son. She will want to be part of every aspect of H's life and know all about where he's going and what he's doing and when he'll be back. H will get annoyed by this but H is in control and she'll have to put up with it or he'll tell her to move out. She won't have a choice but to put up with it cos it's his house and the suburb we live in is a lot more expensive than where she's come from so to keep son at the school he's now at she'll need to stay with H.

This coming weekend H is going to see our son and stay with his parents. OW is not going.

OW is on a disability allowance so she can't work....her income will never change.

Cas, today your H came inside to peek. He wanted to see what he's missing. Sure he could have sat in the car, daughter probably already knew he was there. He didn't. I have the thought he was hoping to see you. He was earlier than planned on purpose. He had it all planned out. He was hoping to have a nice interaction with you.

You're probably right Sanderika. I talked with D later and just casually said, "Hey, how come Dad came in today?" and she said H was early and she wasn't quite ready so he came in and stood in the living room and then he went looking for me in the kitchen and then he heard I was on the phone so he went back and sat on the couch and waited. Then D came in all ready and H's phone rang and it was S. D said he stayed sitting there talking to S and didn't move until the conversation was over. She thought he was still waiting to see if I was going to come out.

I have provided the place of refuge and peace for so long Sanderika but it wasn't enough. We had months of wonderful interactions and he knows it. Beginning of December he initiated the 'stand off' and now once again I've offered the olive branch and he's back trying to reconnect. How many years do I play this game? As far as I'm concerned H has stepped up his relationship with ow by living together. He is welcome to come into the house and I will be polite and hospitable but I'm not sure I can do more. H is comfortable here. I am tired of the games he plays. It takes one issue and he'll be gone again. And the reality is that it can be his bad form and to erase the guilt that he feels he'll blame me. I don't need to live like this.

You don't have to make contact with him, but show him he is accepted and welcome when he pokes his head out. In the past when he has done this it's YOU he seeks out, don't disappoint him.

I think I have always done this and I will continue to do so but in yesterday's case I was on the phone and I am not going to drop my conversation just because he decided to grace me with his presence for 5 minutes. If he's genuine he'll try again later.

H had come here straight from work and then he and d were gone nearly 4 hours. He didn't come back in afterwards.....that would have looked too obvious at this early stage of him trying to reconnect. And it was probably already long enough for ow to be getting annoyed!!!

I am in a much stronger position now Sanderika. H knows where I am. He knows I am forgiving. If he genuinely wants to contact me, he will but I really am not interested in his crumbs. I've lived on those for long enough and they're not sustaining. I'm living my life for me. If he's part of it it will be because he's genuine.

(((((Sanderika)))))

Cas

[goodattitudegirl]

Cas,

I agree with Sanderika. She is very wise!-----kind of like a female Yoda.

I didn't realize that your OW was disabled. Is her disability for physical or mental illness?

This coming weekend H is going to see our son and stay with his parents. OW is not going.

Interesting..............

I am in a much stronger position now Sanderika. H knows where I am. He knows I am forgiving. If he genuinely wants to contact me, he will but I really am not interested in his crumbs. I've lived on those for long enough and they're not sustaining. I'm living my life for me. If he's part of it it will be because he's genuine.

It will be interesting to see if H senses this change in your attitude and if it evokes any changes in his behavior. It will probably be hard to know how to interpret his interactions given that OW is moving in. Do you know when OW is supposed to move in? It will probably take at least 3-4 months for H to begin to resent OW.

You sound like you're in a good place Cas. I'm proud of you. You're a strong woman.

GAG

[dolphin_05]

Hi GAG,
Yes, Sanderika has a very deep insight and I always respect her opinions.

ow and her son moved in about 2 or 3 weeks ago which means she was there with him when H took D driving for 2 hours and then spent 2 hours here last weekend. She was there when he came to fix my house alarm the next day.

She has lupus, I believe. MIL told me when I had that issue with her that poor ow has a lot to contend with health wise.

I am in a good place atm, GAG. It may have a bad affect on H and send him away cos he may get the sense I don't care anymore.

H is still chasing happiness but it won't be with ow. Three to four months, you think......so stay tuned about May to June!

Cas

[Sanderika]

Hi Cas,

I am sending this to you as a bit of encouragement.

Since you are well aware of the h*ll I have lived for almost 6 years now, my patience and planning and actions could be getting results.

I have once again seen a change here...... We know this is a long twisted road filled with disappointment and heartbreak. We know that our H's do not trust us and to regain their trust and have a chance for a return to us we had to change (BIG)!! We know that they have been watching us with an eagle's eye since they left.

I got a call from H in the middle of the afternoon on Friday. He was so excited to hear me answer, I know him...so I know this. We chatted about trivia and then he told me he was working, driving to Vermont and that he had been given a meal of corn chowder from a friend and it had apparently turned because it gave him the worst case of food poisoning. He went on and on in detail as to his illness and I sat and listened and offered much sympathy.

The importance is that I GAVE HIM THE SYMPATHY he was seeking, I believe that he gets none from the OW. He turned to me. I responded appropriately and satisfied H's need for comforting. This is so important when they reach out to us. We need to remain aloof and distant for the most part while at the same time being "there" when they need us. If we aren't they will replace the OW with another trollop. I want to be the one who fills his needs again, I've worked to reach this point.

Our H's were deeply hurt by us and they left. It's going to take dedication and hard work with consistent treatment of the same kind to influence the move they need to make to return. They know where they belong they are not going to take the plunge without being 100% positive that it will work with us. They are not willing to risk their hearts to us and a place to only end up leaving again. They are cautious while constantly keeping the option open to return and they are continuously looking inside us and our homes to see if we are consistent and can be trusted again.

Yesterday, H asked me to drop son off early at our shop so son could work with H. When H son dropped son off back here at home just before noon he came with three loads of firewood for us, this is huge!!! H wants us to be well taken care of again. He stayed for lunch (I had plenty of goodies ready) and we all played Yahtzee for 1.5 hours. It was good fun for all. H napped after as he is still not really feeling great again and I cleaned up my kitchen and then son and I put some of the wood away. I let H nap away his afternoon. H ended up staying for supper and breakfast!!!!!!!! He asked me if I would help him with his laundry this week since he missed the uniform guy last week and he had a road trip to Michigan this week and would not be back til Friday. So he just left here (btw, it's around 10:00am on Sunday here) He will be returning with his laundry. This is also huge because H has only asked me to help him with this 5-6 times in almost 6 years.

The whole time H was here this weekend, you could see him in comfort. He pulled the rocking chair right up to the wood stove and was in complete relaxation and happy. This was always one of my goals that H would feel this way in our home again. Last evening we all stayed up late chatting in front of the fire and we all felt good about the company. It was wonderful!!

I am hopeful that this is a new turning point. I will remain very hopeful without expectations. I think that I have done this right by leaving him alone to navigate through his own choices while I also have given H the knowledge that he is still wanted and welcome.

This has been an extreme journey for us, Cas. I am sure it's not over yet. I know that they do not want to lose us. They are in constant struggles as to making the right decision. These OW are not the right decision and they know it, what they are is a deterrent from their troubles and they are disposable. I have always believed that our H's want what they had. They have to feel safe and secure and without risk to reconsider changing their minds, when in reality it took them a really long time to decided to leave in the first place.

Yesterday your H was looking at you and home with an eagle's eye. AND, yes in a few days he will attempt to look again. Your H is not happy with his new found situation. Cas, prepare for that next attempt. What day is the next driving lesson. OH and 4 hours out with D, WOW!!! He was in no hurry to go home!!!!!

Son needs me, going to go for now......I hope I have left you with a new hope, I know what you really want You can make it happen, think about how.....

Thinking of you with warm (((((hugs)))))

Sanderika

[goodattitudegirl]

Sanderika,

What a WONDERFUL update!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy for you and S. I'm dancing a little jig and virtual high-fiving you in my sunroom. It almost sounds as though H has been living with you part-time for the past week. You must be very busy if you have been doing all of these things with H AND working 3 jobs. Hopefully you'll get a chance to rest while H is out of town this week.

Thank you very much for sharing your thought processes throughout this. It really helps the rest of us to problem solve our situations and to see hope where we may be seeing hopelessness. Does your H have any idea just how incredible you are??????????

(((((((((Sanderika))))))))))))

GAG

[dolphin_05]

Wow, Sanderika. That sounds like an awesome weekend for you and son. Your patience has certainly been rewarded lately. Has H made further mention of your court proceedings?

However, in my case, things are different. H hasn't spoken to me for 2 months aside from a couple of texts. In that time, he has chosen to have ow move in with him. That has caused issue for D who now will not visit him at his house. S won't visit with him there when he is here either. It causes issue for me because D won't go there, I can't visit there and I also have the added issue of having her live in the same suburb. H didn't care about that. He has chosen ow and her son over his own children once again.

Last weekend H took D driving for 2 hours Sat and then came here for 2 hours while we chatted about lots of stuff. The next day he came back to fix the alarm and to take D driving again for another hour or so. This weekend he took D driving Saturday for 3 and a half hours. Now, I am now feeling quite cynical and say he is investing all this time because he really wants to make sure d gets her licence so he doesn't have to drive her around all the time anymore. However, I also see that it is a weekend and he works Sundays and that doesn't leave much family time with H, ow and her son.

The consistency with H is this;
1.He does something wrong (eg goes to a concert with ow when he says he is working and when he doesn't give me any child support)
2. When it is discovered (not necessarily by me) he twists it around to blame me in some way.
3. Then he says because of my actions/behaviour he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore and discounts any positive interactions saying that things were not actually that good. (so why did he continue to come here then if it wasn't that good?? I'm thinking of our regular dinners last year)
4. He then vanishes.
5. When I extend the olive branch in some way either by suggesting a truce or even just by initiating a conversation he starts to slowly come back again.

The problem is Sanderika that this is a set pattern. I get comfortable with our interactions but every time I get blamed and try as I might it is hurtful to me.

I am tired. As I said I will always be here for H but I also owe myself a life. He has chosen ow and her son. He didn't think anything we had or he had with D was that important. She has exactly what she wanted. He made a choice. I hate to think where this places him legally if they split..............

I agree H was 'looking for me' on Saturday. But why? This is all one sided. He comes to me looking for affirmation and for an enjoyable conversation. He cares about me generally but mostly he cares about him. Last time we had developed a really comfortable arrangement but it was ow he took to the concert. All there is for me is the feeling I am being used. I love H and I have forgiven him well and truly but I can't do this anymore. I am no good at detaching and having no expectations.

I have thought of MIL in the last weeks. She will not be happy that ow has moved in and before she would have called me to discuss but due to her ban on the topic she can't debrief......

And if I create the safe haven for H and he comes here and spends time with us am I not just doing to ow what she did to me?

Anyway, it' all immaterial....your H has always been interacting with you. Ours has always been filled with gaps and silences. H has made a choice and I have to accept that and move on without him.

The next driving hasn't been planned as H will be away with his family and our son this weekend; my birthday weekend. So I can predict that the next contact from him will be a text to say happy birthday!!

[Lost Rabbit]

Good to hear all the news ladies..

Cas your right its still all a bit cake eating from your H, he wants you when it suits him. Its good to move on for yourself and you do owe yourself a life. One day if he chooses to catch up all well and good but thats his problem not yours.. Observationally also you dont want to be the "port in the storm" for him to run away from his own mistake, letting OW into his own house and leaving himself no where to run. That might turn out to be a bonus but on the other hand you are worth more than being a shoulder to cry and wipe his snotty nose..

Sanderika! Brilliant news, thats pretty much the line I went down with my H making our home some where he wanted to come back too, I suppose even being best friends with your ex is better than all the arguing and fighting and anything else is a bonus too!

GAG off to check up on your latest hun!

Love to you allx