New and need help.

[2stepboogie]

You are on your way to healing and that is how it starts.

Keep moving forward......this will not define you and this will not defeat you.

[Seminolewind]

I am giving this whole thing the good old community college try! I am focused and I am dark. So look out I shall make my life the best possible that I can.

[Denver_2010]

Great attitude Seminole!!

BITS
Denver

[Seminolewind]

Funny how I never thought my emotions were so hard to control. I am in a good place I just want to be in a much better place. I might be feeling weird because my youngest has to go home in an hour. I don't like the roll of part time dad. But we had an awesome time this weekend and that's what matters most.

I hope all of you have a great day!

[ninelives]

Hey SW, As a new member of BITS, I feel confident in my response.

I am going through the same thing as you alost to the letter and I know how much it hurts and how difficult it is to focus.

But I think you are navigating it well. After all Divorce is just a piece of paper, who knows where either of you will be down the road.

I think that GAL is key and then if she is interested , you will know by the contact you get from her. If SHE goes dark, i think that it means that she is happy with the situation but it sounds like she wants to keep the lines of communication open.

I mentioned to Country and Islander that being in the friend zone only serves to validate her actions and that she now has the best of both worlds. Her affair and your friendship.

I dont know how friendly or how distant to be with the WAW because it is an area of unknown for everybody. Does she even know the answer to that?

Hang in there SW and keep posting.

BITS

Nine

[Denver_2010]

I mentioned to Country and Islander that being in the friend zone only serves to validate her actions and that she now has the best of both worlds. Her affair and your friendship.

Exactly.

You guys with W's having the active A's but still perfectly happy being friends with you, need to go dark as possible.

If you want your M, you are all going to have to wait out the A. I hate to say this, but there is not going to be any progress until OM is out of the picture.

I think that when WAS is in an affair, you have two choices 1) hard line or 2) wait it out. Hard line simply means that you set a boundary with consequences. That boundary would be that you are not going to tolerate OM as long as you are M'd... the consequence? You are done with M yourself.

Most likely, this will get you D'd.

The second approach... wait it out. But you can't do this and give your W the best of both worlds at the same time. The cheating S is never going to have any incentive to even think about ending the A. Think about that. How long do you guys want to have to wait??

BITS
Denver

[Seminolewind]

Funny you say that Denver. I have been thinking about this about every hour. I don't want to be divorced but I know she and her new secret love need to face reality. One thing I am proud of is that I know she is embarrassed about the affair. She was a good christian, but lost her way. I believe if a relationship has to be a secret you shouldn't be in it. I will give her the divorce then and only then will reality hit her. I can't compete with him I have hurt her. That's all she can see. Do I think it will last between them who knows but I can't sit and wait for her to crush me in another way. He will never be the father of our children. He was not there when they were born. He has hardly ever had a girlfriend. So really I know that I am the better man! Only she can wake up and realize this and it's my job to be the best dad and happiest man around. I really do care about her but I refuse to be a friend to someone that hurts you so bad. I don't deserve all of this pain. If you love someone set them free. You know why? Nobody deserves to hurt this bad!

[Firstlove]

Seminole

I feel your pain my friend, I have caught my W in a long standing torrid affair and I can so relate to your quote of having your heart completely ripped out and crushed - been there, doing that, have the t-shirt here. So, I am not saying this without having my own pain here believe me - I know pain. When I found out about the PA she was in I lay naked in the corner of the room for a week in the fetal position and could not even get up - so believe me when I say this - I KNOW emotional pain. I am doing all things possible to save my marriage, as I too hate divorce and never want to be divorced. Irregardless of the affair, I love her and I know that my actions over many years created the emotional desert of our marriage that allowed this PA to happen - so yes I was much at fault for the failure in our vows to each other. The ONE thing that I will not however do, is continue to try to restore my marriage if she continued in the affair. If she saw the OM even once, or even had any phone or email contact with him even once- the divorce papers would be drawn up that day and I would not waiver from that for one second. Marriage and a PA cannot stand together, in my opinion.

I know that a hard line is so difficult to draw, but if my W continued in her affair, or as I say had any contact with the OM even on time, I would not be drawing a line in the sand - I would be drawing a line in the cement.

Here is a poem that I share on here from time to time that has meant a lot to me, I hope it has some value for you.


Letting Go
Author unknown
To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization that I don’t control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.

Is it time to let go, fear less and love more - that is the question that only you can answer. For me, I am letting go and that is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am doing it with faith that God has a plan for me that is a good plan, one with hope.

[Seminolewind]

I slept longer last night than I have in about a month. I woke up knowing that I am headed in the right direction. I will not contact her about anything except the girls.

I had a talk with my oldest d today about the time we spend together or the lack of as I feel. She has agreed to stay with me during my time. I am about as happy as a man can get. This is the real man that deserves his fair share of the girls. I am just excited! I know this whole mess has put a wedge between the oldest and me, but it is my time to shine. I am a great dad!

I feel good about myself and I know I don't need my wife to survive. Each day that goes by makes me a stronger man. I will win, if that includes my wife I really don't know. I will be the better person for me and I will continue to make great choices.

I like feeling good about myself!

[ninelives]

That is awesome SW. I hope you can sustain those feelings. Sometimes I have them but are difficult to sustain. I think you are on the right track when it comes to focussing more on your children. They are one thing from our marriages that was done right.

YOu are still young and have the second part of your life ahead of you for sure. ONe day at a time, forward and positive.

All the best


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BITS