H takes all the blame - why?

[angel61]

Thank you Punkin, Antonia and CW.

Punkin, yes I played pinball. Although I did say it all in one breath, the process was a long drawn out one, with the pain and resentment lasting a long time, since Bomb, till now, gradually easing but of course not gone. The acceptance and letting go I have been trying but only have been able to do partially, but enough to let me function again. I still live with H so its hard to be dark, and we are trying to make D12's home life normal, that is why I wish to make our situation as bearable as possible. The EA was halted in Nov by OW as she felt guilty, but I know they are still in contact, and H is still hoping to pursue OW, as far as I know.

Antonia, H started saying it was all his fault starting sometime when OW was pulling away, around October . It started with OW feeling guilty about breaking us up.

At first, H blamed me for deterioration of our M, saying it was because of my dominance, my demands for affection, my being overly ambitious, etc. Then when OW started pulling away because of guilt, he started turning the blame to himself. He talked to me, apologizing for blaming me, he said it was because he was just justifying his A. He said that he is to blame as he made a mistake - that he realized he never loved me, and now he is trapped. He said I deserve better than him.

He has not turned around on that statement, rather, he seems to believe it more and more. I have told him that although I accept that he does not feel anything for me at this point, I do not believe he never loved me. A few weeks ago he actually admitted also that he did love me in the beginning, but he thinks not strongly enough, or else he would not have had been attracted to OW (Gosh, I cannot believe how immature these men are!!!)

I rode along, making him feel the guilt and letting him take the blame, for a while.

What concerned me lately is this: some weeks ago a well known doctor in our field of work committed suicide. Apparently, he was overcome with guilt as he was doing the same thing with his family as my H is. My H told me about this, and mentioned that maybe it would be better if he just did the same too. I was shocked, as he never ever did say anything to me about such things (unlike me, I do have that tendency to say I wish I were dead, or something equally dramatic, which H hated. Of course i don't say those anymore).

I doubt if he will ever do that though. I am not about to call 911 just yet....

But now after your post on the victim mentality, I think that is what is happening to my H. As the victim, he is trying to gain both my and OW's sympathy!

Did I played right into his hands by letting him know that I did not want him to be in pain any longer and wanted him to be happy!

Well at least he could not say that I am selfish....

I cannot fully stay away from his drama, as we live together. I am finding that this living together situation is really so much harder, no wonder many LBS's are the ones who file!

What do I do?