"I wish we felt we were meant for each other. It would make my life SOOO much easier right now."
My wife sent this message in a text conversation we were having a little over a week ago.
I can't help but thinking as much as she wants to make her own decisions, and as much as she does not want to feel like anything between us is being forced in any way, there is a growing awareness in me that in some ways she still wants and needs me to take the lead. She wants to see me in command and able to control myself.
As a business coach, something I have learned is that whoever is asking the questions, is controlling the direction of the conversation.
And having previously worked as a sales trainer, I have learned there is a 2Step process when preparing to close a sale.
Step 1 is to Gather Information. You do this by asking questions that help you see and understand precisely where the customer is at.
Who, What, Where, When, Why, How, Tell me about...
Getting answers to these questions provides essential information to...
Step 2, Overcome Objections.
As I use to tell my sales people, your objective is to serve, not to sell. When you are coming from a place where the customer knows you do not need them in anyway - if you can remove the image of "Salesperson" from their mind, and replace it with the truth of you being a genuine friend who would not steer them wrong, then you are free to focus on offering solutions to their problem.
You have demonstrated you understand, they can see that you are listening and being respectful...
And what's great about all that is by telling you their objections they are telling you how to close them. Providing solutions to their problems will keep them coming back for more.
And having that loving arsenal of information ready from all the RESPECTFUL questions you have been asking, your solutions will be more attractive.
So for the past week or so I was sweating because I have no idea of where she is in the divorce process. I know she has filled out the paperwork, but I do not know if she has had the papers notarized or put them in the mail to me.
My DB coach suggested the other day that if I have been adopting a "wait and see" attitude regarding this important issue, then a 180 I might try is to respectfully ask where she is at with it.
As I'm thinking of that now, it makes perfectly good sense to ask her where she's at, and there is no reason for me to be afraid of how she responds.
The key is it must all be done under the umbrella of rapport. If I don't have rapport, first, then it can only lead to failure. But once I have rapport then I can ask something like..
"Tell me more about where you're at" (I'll see if I can offer you some perspective, and maybe it can help)
Or,
"What is most important to you right now?" (Let's see how we can get you that)
Breathe, Michael
Right now everything is perfect and exactly as it needs to be.
In my Highest Power, within my Authentic Self, when my Love is that of an Emperor rather than a beggar, when I come to the table to freely give rather than to take...
That is what my wife would call being "Special Special Extraordinary."
Yummy!
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
If my wife goes through with the divorce, immigration says I must wait 5 years before I am allowed to come back into the states.
(The unfortunate result of being branded an illegal alien. It was fine with the government hen she and I were just dating. Not so fine without the paperwork after we got married. Such is life.)
Anyway, if it's gonna be that long before I can come back to my home in Colorado, I'm now thinking of moving to Costa Rica for awhile.
I hear the have some amazing surfing down there.
Sure as hell beats minus 30 degrees up here in Canada where I am right now.
Yah mon.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
After I had gone dark for 3 days, WAW texted me last night and asked how I was doing.
By the grace of God, I DBd my responses tactfully enough (read: directly and without fear) to finally come out and ask her where she was at in the divorce process.
She told me she had filled them out but not had them notarized or sent to me yet. This is encouraging because I know she had seven full days off work since then and could have taken them to be notarized anytime.
Then I asked her how she was feeling about it and she said she was still feeling melancholy.
Then I went all in and asked her if she would come for another DB coaching session with me, or even just attend one on her own without me (we had our first one together 2 weeks ago).
She did not responded directly to that yet. What she said instead is
"Well it's hard for me because I feel I want so much to be alone"
Then she had to get back to work for awhile, and after that satisfying progress, I think I wobbled just a little and fell back into the old pattern of trying to control the outcome. Of trying to make things happen according to my script.
I asked her: "Would you like to hear the story of how I fell in love with you?"
And she said: "Sure. Go for it."
And that's when I digressed. I started repeating the words I had previously written and rehearsed to "make her come and love me".
After oh-my-god an hour of my diahretic texting, it suddenly occured to me that I was doing it again. I was trying to persuade her. Instead of being fully present in the moment with her.
So I immediately asked her if it was okay if I tell her this on the phone instead, and my intuition says she was probably relieved.
Next, I put away my script. I put away my words. I have put away all my motives and intentions, and when we have each other phone in about an hour from now, I am simply going to speak clearly and truthfully from my heart about how I have been falling more and more deeply in love with her with every breath I take.
Well, I got me a fine wife, I got me old fiddle When the sun's comin' up I got cakes on the griddle Life ain't nothin' but a funny, funny riddle Thank God I'm a country boy
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Liked this post so much from "The Walk Down Memory Lane" I figured it was worth saving and repeating here.
Thank you, Angel. Thank you, Virginia.
Originally Posted By: Walking
...I hear this sigh of relief in your post, like “whew, that was a close call, but I’ve got him to sign on for 2 years. (☺)
We can never be whole people when what we say and what we do are 2 different things. ((((Angel)))))
DBing is an incredibly important tool for relearning old inappropriate behaviours and ways of being that are no longer useful for us. You could keep your husband home for 2 years only to have to go through this again then … or you can use this opportunity to learn to trust that you don’t need to hold on so tight. You can’t control the outcome of your husband’s journey. It’s his journey and loving him means you respect him enough to accept it is his right to take that journey – in whatever way he needs to.
Detach Angel. Try to trust that the outcome will be divine and perfect. Let your husband take his journey and be honest with yourself about what compromises you are really making.
What you really found out today is that when you take the pressure off – and demonstrate to him that you are OK – he’s not trapped there, etc … then he’ll loosen up and your time together will be relaxed, loving and you’ll have an opportunity to rebuild intimacy.
Life is not a dress rehersal. You’re not living for whatever happens in 2 months or 2 years time, you must live for today. Detach from the outcome, love yourself, love your husband, love your daughter, be the best you, you can be every minute of every day without investment in where it might lead.
Stop concerning yourself with the payoff. It’s not about the payoff – it’s about the only life you have to live.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
After initiating no contact with wife, I noticed in her last messages signs that she is slowly turning.
- she showed interest in my plans, and the things that I am doing
- she asked questions about what I'd done, where I'd been and who I had gone out with
- she showed real emotion and concern when my ATM card was forged (a less attached person would not have shown the same response)
- she complimented me again
- she talked and talked and talked for 45 minutes about nothing while I just sat and listened.
- she showed concern for things that I had mentioned were in my mind. GREAT DBing on my part just trusting and allowing her to bring up the issues whenever she is ready.
- came to again in crises about her daughter.
All this is brilliant and certain progress, with only the slightest, tiniest tinge of gray. First, the impossibly studly guy who is chatting her up on Facebook who she is welcoming to come and visit.
In terms of body type and physical attractiveness, there is simply no way I can compete with him. But I am learning to be okay with that and have greater love, respect and appreciation for who I am. I know the choice is up to her and I know I would (eventually) be okay with her choosing someone she feels more passionate with than me.
It would hurt beyond belief, but I know I could be happy for her.
The second thing is I made the mistake of showing her one of my cards and actually telling her part of my strategy. After our last telephone conversation, which was really good because of how much I listened and respected her, I made the small mistake of telling her I would wait until she contacted me before I spoke to her again.
No reason I should have done that, so later on I smoothed it out by initiating another light conversation with her.
Another "good" thing is that she is having ongoing challenges with her 14 year old daughter, and in this area my wife knows my support is always available to her if she wants it. When I offered her my help with D14s latest drama, my wife said:
"Not sure yet, thanks for the offer though."
Feeling good today about where she and I are at. A long way from where we need to be, but there is certainly evidence she is coming back around to me.
Patience. Patience. Patience.
Don't initiate.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
I know I don't contribute much to your thread, but I just wanted to let you know that I do drop in from time to time if I am seeking positivity from someone who seems to ooze positivity! Good work on your latest exchange with your wife. I hope she dumps dumps that FB dude fast.
One of the challenges my wife and I have had is standing up for things we want. Both of us have been "easy-going" to the point of being wimps.
She has woken us both up by moving towards divorce, and now, besides realizing how much that I want her, I have also realized there are many other things I want that she still wants as well.
Just not sure if she wants them with me or not, anymore, but my suspicion is she does.
Anyway the 2 things I now want really that she said wanted before are:
1. A big wedding ceremony 2. To legally adopt her daughter
Right now she is having so many problems with her daughter and my heart aches so much for both of them I am feeling a need to tell her it is something I really want to do.
My concern is appearing like I am trying to force things again, but at the same time I really want her to know how I am feeling.
Do you have any comments or suggestions?
Thank you all for all the Love I am seeing every day on these boards.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
One way or another, this is something along the li9nes of what I want to tell her:
"Beckie"
Right now there are 5 things that I want:
1. First and most important, I want you to be happy with yourself and feel good about your decision no matter what they are. One thing I can offer that might help you get there, is something I learned a little while ago:
"My poor decisions were based on illusions I believed at the time. My better decisions are based on realities I recognize in time."
2. I want us to continue marriage counseling to work through our insecurities and develop our marriage skills.
3. I want us to complete the immigration process so that I can be right there with you to support you, in ways that work for both of us.
4. I want us to start planning to have a dream wedding ceremony this summer. I not only wildly underestimated the importance of this to you, I also felt ashamed that I could not afford to give you what I felt that you deserved.
5. I want to legally adopt D14. I want to be the kind of father to her that neither you nor her have ever had.
What do you think? I feel these are vitally important things for her to know, I'm just not sure how and when to present them.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
process when preparing to close a sale.