Ive read several articles, part of the DB book, post on this and other forums, the 180 rules and they all advise that giving a WAS the space that he/she desires is neccessary. My husband had been out of the house since 2/1 and at first I was doing ok with it. I tried to GAL; hung out with friends, started working out again, got a job etc. He actually called and asked to come back home and I thought wow; giving him space really is working. However shortly after he started mentioning divorce.
Now is staying with his mom but is now looking for an apt. Im afraid that once he moves into his own place, he'l never come back home. He has been talking to women and has been out on dates; seems to be moving on and Im here crying everyday, and hoping that he comes to his senses. I have called him and pleaded with him on the phone to at least try and make our marriage work. He said he doesn't see us reconciling right now. I know this was the wrong thing to do but I couldnt help it. Im still hoping to work things out but is my hopefulness prolonging my grieving process. I don't know if Im in denial or if telling him how I feel is a good thing. How do I get to a point where I expect nothing from him yet DB? Please Help! Im having such a hard time detaching. We talk in some for or fashion every single day!
Me: 27 H: 27 M:5 years Together: 9 years No Children Bomb: 1/1/11 ILYNILWY & Wants Separation Moved Out: 1/30/11 Has not filed yet but says that he does not want to reconcile
Welcome to the best worse place in the world. The best because you will get the help you need here. The worse because if you are here your life is s^cking right now.
Stick around we will be around to help. In the meantime I will give you the advice someone gave me when I first came here.
Teena, I am so sorry for what you are going through. There are a lot of people here who are on similiar paths. This board will help. The people here do care.
Detaching isn't easy especialy at first. Detaching is only a small part of healing yourself, but as you heal you will become stronger and it will become easier.
DB will take time. We are improveing ourselves for ourselves with the the hope our S will notice become curious and want to spend more time with us. Change takes time and it takes time for them to notice and believe.
What are your 180s?
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
So what happened that changed his mind and he didn't go home?
Seems as if he's been very busy with a social life in the 20 days he's been gone.
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Im still hoping to work things out but is my hopefulness prolonging my grieving process.
I wouldn't say it's the "hope" that is giving you the grief. You just need to look at the stitch differently.
He's a very young man who is not wanting to act like a M man. Don't put too much of your hope in wanting him to work with you to make the M survive. The work will be up to you.
Begging, pleading, crying, clinging.....all this stuff turns a man off so badly that he will run from you. Do not expect him to be concerned or to give in to your heart ache. Yes, you would think your H would care....but you have to deal as if this man is not your H.
Leave him alone. Focus on improving yourself. When you get to the place that you don't need him to be happy....then that's when you'll see changes made.
Working out, getting a new job, etc. is great. Keep up the social life and doing things you enjoy.
I know you don't see how this would make a difference in your M, but it will.
Don't contact him. If he calls you....keep it short and sweet. Don't ask him anything about his life and don't tell him anything about yours! Don't even tell him about your changes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Im here crying everyday, and hoping that he comes to his senses.
We all wish that at first, but that is all it is, wishful thinking. Once you realize that you will begin to make the necessary changes in your life. You only need one person to turn things around, that person is YOU.
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I have called him and pleaded with him on the phone to at least try and make our marriage work.
We all do It at first. Once we get tired of getting turned down then we start moving forward. The only question is how you move forward.
With resentment and anger in your heart?
By looking in the mirror and making the changes necessary to be a person for you!
I really can't give you any advice bc I cannot take what I would tell you. I will say that I am in the same place you are, and I told my W on Monday how I gelt and wha I wanted. I know that I should not have done that, but I felt I needed too. Since thn I have went dark and not responded to several texts she sent me. It is very hard. My W moved out almost a month ago, and it is killing me everyday. I don't know if she will come back and I am afraid that by going dark she will just forget about me and not come back. But I do know that by chasing her she wont come back either. You are not alone.
BITS
M:34 W:28 SD:9 D:6 (pr) M:3 T:6 Separated 1/16/11 ILYBNILWY 10/25/10 PA discovered 11/12/10, began about 10/1/10
I am not who I was, I am being remade, I am new...
I am afraid that by going dark she will just forget about me and not come back. But I do know that by chasing her she wont come back either. You are not alone.
You're "AFRAID" of one thing happening...W not coming back if you go dark... which it could...
And you "KNOW" that the other thing will happen... Your W will not come back if you chase her... It will happen
Which route should you go Islander?
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Thanks 2 step. I have been doing ALOT of breathing these days and it really helps to combat the anger. I don't think that I WANT to move forward. I'm actually afraid of a future without him. This separation is killing me. We had a GREAT Christmas (or so I thought) and by the New Year, we were separated.
Just stunned; up until a week ago I did not call him unless absolutely necessary; I rarely texted him. I tried not to plead w/him; didn't ask him to come or about his life. But this all went downhill after V-day (was supposed to be our 5 yr anniversary). I was soooooo down; felt like the day that he had dropped the bomb. So I called him and cried and told him that he was hurting me and that he was making the wrong decisions and not being rational etc. I know that this was not the "right" thing to do. But I'm human and I felt that I had to. A day after V-day he was out on a date (i have my ways of knowing). I asked him about it; said I just knew and he pretty much confirmed. I was so hurt. I'm acting as if we are still together. I Don't want to detach! Islander; I really hope that things get better for you. No one should have to go through this.
Thanks Sandi! Yes he has been keeping busy. He is back in school, coaching and apparently dating. The way that he is absolutely sure that he's done all of sudden seems so irrational. He didn't want to try counseling or anything; just up and said he's done.
When he said he wanted to come back home, I said, "I don't think you do. I think that you just miss your apt; not me. Said that I may actually benefit from the separation." He popped up at the apt 2 days in a row; seemed to be regretting his decision. Maybe me trying to act like I had moved on and Got a life too much; pissed him off. When I tried to discuss terms for our separation he said that he didn't think that we could reconcile. It was the first time he said this. I was floored. He went from needing "space" to wanting a separation to wanting a divorce within a month! I don't think that he will file though. He's still a bit confused. I understand that we got married young and that he probably didn't "get it out of his system." But who just decides that they want to be single one day? What about me? At times I get so angry and disgusted with him that I think about filing. But up until a few months ago I was soooo happy with him (thought he was happy with me too but now everything that he recalls about the marriage is negative). He is really acting out and at times I don't even know if I should fight for us. Sigh
Me: 27 H: 27 M:5 years Together: 9 years No Children Bomb: 1/1/11 ILYNILWY & Wants Separation Moved Out: 1/30/11 Has not filed yet but says that he does not want to reconcile
I am afraid that by going dark she will just forget about me and not come back. But I do know that by chasing her she wont come back either. You are not alone.
You're "AFRAID" of one thing happening...W not coming back if you go dark... which it could...
And you "KNOW" that the other thing will happen... Your W will not come back if you chase her... It will happen
Which route should you go Islander?
BITS Denver
Denver speaks the truth. I have never heard it in those terms. Go in the dark and she could come back. Chase her and she will not come back. Great, advice Denver for detaching.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
