Recovering after a same sex affair

[sparks14]

Thanks, Figg. That was the same advice I was given. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't going towards a downward spiral here.

I do agree that it was her decision to have the affair. It is her decision to want to move out and have space.

You are right. She needs to know what this means.

I am still not sure what to do with our tax refund. I am not an accountant, but I guess I could somehow figure out her portion of the return and mine. I could then offer her portion. If not, I could take the strong stance that we pay off debts as we agreed to do for the last few years. That one is a little sticky,as the situation is a new one, so priorities can be changed. It just ticks me off that we are so close to our dream of being debt free for this to mess it up. By the way, this has been a bigger priority of the wife.

Thanks again, Figg.

[sparks14]

Another hard night. I haven't called or texted my wife since 10:30 this morning. She hasn't either. Her parents made the three hour drive today to see her today. I know, Figg, not my business. Just still curiosities. Are they grilling her some more? Are they finding her an apartment to move into? Even though her parents do not agree with what is going on, how much do they help her get on her feet? I know. I know. This is not my business.

This is also one of the few nights in the last five years that I have not received some kind of response before bedtime. Hurts. My closest friends were out of town tonight, so I stayed home alone with our two dogs and watched a movie. Their compassion is not measurable, and they are always there for you (dog people know this). I sure do miss my wife and baby, though. Detaching kills me, but I believe that it is the right thing to do right now. Anybody have some words of encouragement?

[downandoutintn]

Sparks,
I am no pro so I am not going to give advice, but I can tell you that you are not alone. I have had my kids this weekend and even with them here I have missed W a lot. Most of the time the kids can keep my mind off of her but this morning was pretty bad.

I got out of the house for most of the day and I have been a lot better. Maybe it might help you to get out regardless if your good friend is in town or not. Maybe a new friend might help? (remember though you are still married so act appropriately)

Good luck and keep your head up!

[sparks14]

Sparks,
I am no pro so I am not going to give advice, but I can tell you that you are not alone. I have had my kids this weekend and even with them here I have missed W a lot. Most of the time the kids can keep my mind off of her but this morning was pretty bad.

I got out of the house for most of the day and I have been a lot better. Maybe it might help you to get out regardless if your good friend is in town or not. Maybe a new friend might help? (remember though you are still married so act appropriately)

Good luck and keep your head up!

Thanks for the words, downandout. I actually marked your post to watch and haven't had a chance to read it yet, but I do know that you go married not too long ago.

I was head over heals in love with my wife not even a year ago. Still am. It was just this last July that I took my wife to Jamaica for a "babymoon", since it was our first pregnancy, and she was seven months pregnant. I thought my wife and I were in heaven at the time anticipating our first child. Looking back, my wife had been having an affair with another woman for months by this time. I had no idea.

Looking back at the past will kill you. I thought this woman was a good, positive, supportive friend. When my wife went into labor, she was the only other person around to hold my wife's leg when she began to give birth. They eventually told her to leave, but how messed up is that? It is all so confusing, but I refuse to give up. I am a fighter. The same sex piece presents tons of questions and makes everything irregular as divorce busting is concerned, but I am not going to give up.

I love my wife. Unconditionally. I love my six month old baby boy the same. How could I possibly throw in the towel right now. No chance in hell.

Downandout, I look forward to reading your thread. Keep your head up, man. Thanks again for stopping by.

[sparks14]

Woke up this morning and sent my wife a text to ask if it was okay for me to go to church this morning before picking up my son. She said that it wasn't a problem. She then asking if I had gone out, what did I do, etc. I kept my answers brief but not overly mysterious.

Went to church at 9:00 and picked up my son at 10:30. We have had a great time this morning. He is down for a nap, so I have a moment to check in.

I asked wife when I picked up my son how she was doing with her parents in town. She said that she spent her entire day yesterday in tears. She was planning on meeting them again at their hotel after I left. Wife is completely overwhelmed with getting our 6 month old ready for his first day at day care tomorrow. We have so many things to have to get ready and purchase.

Wife and her parents have been driving to second hand baby stores looking for a nice cheap pack and play. They were not having any luck, so she called me. I found one on craigslist near where I am, so I told her that I would be happy to pick it up. I told her that is knew she was overwhelmed, and I would be happy to help if she needed it today. Since this is for our S, I didn't think my offer was pushing.

However, I will not send texts or call to give her space with her parents.

She also mentioned that we may have to reschedule tonight's dinner plans again. She is so overwhelmed with her parents in town, first day care,and new job starting that she said she just needs a break tonight. She said that it was not that she didn't want to have dinner out with me, because she does. She just mentioned that maybe a night later this week. No worries here. I am just glad that she is willing to do this weekly (almost like a date night).

I am going to have fun the rest of the day with my little boy, and that is all that matters to me right now.

[Firstlove]

Sparks

I have been reading a lot of these posts here today and I am seeing two things as consistent advice to you here - detach and back off. I think you are coming to that place in your own heart and believe me that is a very very difficult thing to do, trust me on this, I know of what I speak. I am dealing with the horrors of discovering an affair that my W had myself, so I can share your pain brother. Here is a poem that my sister sent to me that has meant a lot to me as I struggle with the the unbelievable pain involved in discovering your spouse in an affair - I too discovered it thru emails. What is crazy about my sitch is that my wife gave me the password to her email account and asked me to look something up - I did and that is how I found the emails - and I have to deal with those thousands of sexually graphic emails and proof of the hundreds if not thousands of text messages and late night phone calls during the affair - so I have those horrors to deal with myself here - you are NOT alone buddy. In all of this here is one thing that I know I have to do


Letting Go
Author unknown
To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization that I don’t control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.

My advice - fear less and love more

If you W can see you as her greatest protector here and the defender of her security - that will say volumes to her as to the fabric of true love and honor thru a crisis.

[sparks14]

Sparks

I have been reading a lot of these posts here today and I am seeing two things as consistent advice to you here - detach and back off. I think you are coming to that place in your own heart and believe me that is a very very difficult thing to do, trust me on this, I know of what I speak. I am dealing with the horrors of discovering an affair that my W had myself, so I can share your pain brother. Here is a poem that my sister sent to me that has meant a lot to me as I struggle with the the unbelievable pain involved in discovering your spouse in an affair - I too discovered it thru emails. What is crazy about my sitch is that my wife gave me the password to her email account and asked me to look something up - I did and that is how I found the emails - and I have to deal with those thousands of sexually graphic emails and proof of the hundreds if not thousands of text messages and late night phone calls during the affair - so I have those horrors to deal with myself here - you are NOT alone buddy. In all of this here is one thing that I know I have to do


Letting Go
Author unknown
To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization that I don’t control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.

My advice - fear less and love more

If you W can see you as her greatest protector here and the defender of her security - that will say volumes to her as to the fabric of true love and honor thru a crisis.

Thanks, firstlove. I am trying hard to detach right now. It is a strange situation, though. Wife is self analyzing about her sexual orientation while I wait patiently on the other side. We see each other every day, even though she is not living at home. We split custody of our son 50/50, so we are going back and forth. When we are together, we get along great.. always have. We are both in therapy for ourselves. We are also in couples therapy and working on a weekly dinner to talk no stress. It's hard to completely detach, but I understand the need to do so. I need to give her time to figure herself out, but I also want to make sure she knows what a fantastic husband and father I am.

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate the poem and understand its meaning. I am going to nring it in to my therapist to see what I can do to act on it with my wife.

[Firstlove]

Not giving up is the ONLY solution -that and true love

That is what I say to myself every day -because I believe it.

We all have our different challenges -mine is that my wife has zero interest in building a marriage anew -she simply has quit -given up totally -for her there is no such thing as hope or a future -her only vision is that of complete failure thru divorce -she is so defeated spiritually that she cannot even discuss our R for even one minute and refuses to do so -will not talk and will not go for counseling at all -tough situation to improve on let me tell you

Therefore the ONLY avenue here is faith and hope -that is all

[sparks14]

Not giving up is the ONLY solution -that and true love

That is what I say to myself every day -because I believe it.

We all have our different challenges -mine is that my wife has zero interest in building a marriage anew -she simply has quit -given up totally -for her there is no such thing as hope or a future -her only vision is that of complete failure thru divorce -she is so defeated spiritually that she cannot even discuss our R for even one minute and refuses to do so -will not talk and will not go for counseling at all -tough situation to improve on let me tell you

Therefore the ONLY avenue here is faith and hope -that is all

Firstlove - I admire your dedication in a tough situation. I know it seems bleak, but you can improve yourself and show her what kind of man and husband you can be. Faith and hope can go a long way. Don't ever give up.

When I was asked how hard I was willing to fight, I thought about my son. If the W and I were ever to separate, and my son grows older and asks me why we split. I want to be able to tell him, "Son. I never gave up. I fought the fight of my life to save our family." I want to mean that. There is no giving up.

[sparks14]

I took care of my baby boy last night. I get a text from W during his bedtime routine asking if it would be possible if I could take the morning off of work and get my son setup on his first day of day care.

After a weekend where W was grilled by her parents for two days, had to pick up and organize the thousand things the day care requires, and the anticipation of her first day back at work on Tuesday, I know my wife is extremely overwhelmed. I told her yes, because I think it was important for me to be there for my boy, but I will admit that I also did it for her support.

She came by at about 7 this morning, but I had been up since 6 with a wide awake six month old. We gathered his things and packed the cars. Drove down to day care. we spent a few hours there while we got his things setup and had a chance to feel out the environment and play a little. While filling out the forms, the day care person noticed Kathleen had left her address blank while mine was completed. She said that she was not sure, as it might be changing soon. They just told her to call back in when she had it. My stomach dropped again during that moment, and I may have even closed my eyes for a minute. S went down for a nap, and we decided to leave. W was having separation issues and figured it would be easier to leave while he was napping than having to tell him goodbye. On the way out, W said she noticed my reaction to the blank address space. I told her that I was fine. She tried to explain it again and asked why I had my reaction. I told her that it was just another reality check, but I supported her need for space and was going to be just fine.

We then went out to lunch together. It was nice. She has to go by the school district office to fill out more paperwork to start work tomorrow. I had to go back to the house and back to work.

On the way home, she sent me a funny text asking why I didn't tell her that she had a noodle stuck to her shirt when she left. I responded that I figured she might want to share her lunch with the kind folks at the school district office. We both laughed.

Going into my therapy tonight. I want to ask him more about splitting accounts completely if she decides that she wants to move out and split daycare costs. I don't think she would fight me on that. She has recently been trying to split meal costs when we go out with a little money her father gave her. I am having more trouble telling her that in addition to that, I think we should take her off my cell phone and car insurance plans. Both bills that I pay for her. I have been told I should by Figg and my family. Let her feel what the choices she is making really mean. In all honesty, she is not going to be able to afford living on her own. We stretched by on my solo income, and I make twice she does.

If I am supporting her moving out to get space, but make it impossible for her to do it financially, am I really being supportive of her need for space? Thoughts?