I made it another day without calls or texts. I did receive a number of calls from my wife today, but all were logistical. Detachment worked for the day.
I get to take care of my 6 month old boy tonight, so I am excited for that.
Wife told me that the papers that she has to work on tonight are her job and day care papers. She wants to get them out of the way before her parents arrive in the morning.
She sounds terrified and anxious about her parents coming to town tomorrow. You can hear it in her voice all day.
I have been thinking about the pressure from her parents. It is none of my business, and I of course have no impact in it. I do wonder if the pressure from her mother to reconcile with me and be hetero is a possibility. If you knew her mother's relationship with her, you would not find this far fetched. My wife is 32 and still under her control. Yes this would allow us to pay attention and work on us, but would it also simply brush my wife same sex feelings under the rug? With my wife not making the decision for herself, I don't see how this would be a positive situation (even if she comes back to reconcile). I don't know. Don't criticize me on these thoughts. Just hypothetical.
What do you think?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
spend less time analyzing her moves, her thoughts, what you think she might or could do and worry more about what you need to do
you can not fix her she is not broken
it is honestly none of your business or concern what happens between herself and her parents... do NOT call them do NOT try to make them feel more assured of custody should a divorce happen
Words of wisdom, Figg. You are the person I can always rely on to get my thoughts back in order.
It is really difficult NOT to think of her as she goes through this major self discovery. I know she is not broken and cannot be fixed. I would just love for her to get to a point where she can communicate some of the thoughts she has been analyzing for the last seven months. I have been an open book to her since discovery, but she is just not there yet. It is pretty hard, but I understand your message. Quit worrying about her. Just take care of me. Patience.
Having a great time with my son. Took him for a two mile walk after work while he was strapped to my chest. If any parents out there have babies, those Baby Bjorns are pretty awesome. My little man will hangout forever looking forward when he has new sites to take in. I am now through his bedtime routine, and he is sounds asleep.
Tonight, I am going to continue going through DR (highlighting and studying along the way). I just need to concentrate and put these methods to practice. I often ask questions here, because I still really don't know where I stand with my wife and her sexual orientation. I thank all of you for your insight. I am blessed to have this community available to me.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
As mentioned in our last couples therapy, my wife will be looking for her own place to live (hopefully for the short term) while she figures some things out. She also just took a full time job starting tuesday that will pay her some. the trade off is daycare costs now that she will not be home for our baby. luckily, she gets a great discount for daycare through the school system.
before everything came out, my wife and i were really scrapping by on my solo income. living paycheck to paycheck. i had told her that i would be working on getting a promotion at work (hence last week's interview), so she could stay at home. she wanted to return to work to pull in at least something to help.
so now with her new job, she might be pulling in $1600 a month while daycare costs are $700 a month. so the offset is the $900. this is the money that we was going to get our head above the water if we had chosen for her to go back to work.
yesterday, my wife said that she wanted to talk to me at couples therapy about me putting in money to cover some of the cost of daycare. now i don't mind helping out to pay for my son, but didn't she just add this new expense of a new apartment to live in, since she feels she is overstaying her welcome at her brother's place.
i feel like we were already scrapping by without this apartment. now she wants me to chip in money i don't have for daycare, so she can use her new paycheck for this apartment and some living expenses. it seems crazy to me.
in the end, i did tell her that i respect her need for space right now, and will support her decision to move out. she said that her father was going to help some. as far as the finances go, can i reasonably ask her how much her father is putting towards that apartment and how much and where her take home pay is going before i agree to help with daycare costs? after all, we are still married. just seems odd to me. anybody else have a similar situation? if i had loads of savings, i think it would be different. given our financial situation, it seems crazy to me.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
To add to this, my wife and I have maybe $6000 in debt (credit cards, etc.). We have not added to it in years, and our primary goal has been to get rid of it completely (thus savings us a ton of money in interests). in addition, my car will be paid off in may, so if we take care of that $6000, we will be debt free except for house this spring.
i will be getting a nice bonus at work next month (maybe $2000). i am working on our taxes now, and it looks like our refund will come to $4000. total of $6000. perfect to me! i told me wife months ago how exciting it would be for us to be debt free (a dream of hers as well for a long time). yesterday, i mentioned the nice tax return. she said "great! money for day care costs." huh?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
After a long conversation with a family member of mine, they expressed the need to detach incomes. If my wife wants me to pay for half of day care, I would be happy to as our son's parent.
If she wants to move out and get her own place for the time being, I will support her need for space and allow her to.
In the mean time, we split our incomes and our joined expenses. Her paycheck can go in her solo account. Mine into my solo account. We put no money in our joint account for now. I will continue to pay for our house and bills, as well as our son's needs when he is with me.
She can pay for her apartment, half of day care, as well as her other various living expenses, and her half of our son's needs.
My parents think I could also further this, by telling my wife that I should take her off my cell phone bill and car insurance that I pay with our joint account.
In the end, my wife will simply not have enough money to make it on her own on her salary, but her Dad may help a little.
Is this the right thing to do? I feel like this is what people do who go through legal separations. I don't want to take the downward spiral towards anything legal or divorce. Is this good detaching? If I want her to move away temporarily while she thinks and come back when she is ready, do I still detach in this way?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
I would def. sep accounts and haver her pay her own bills while you split the cost of daycare.
tis was her choice and she needs to see what her choice means
so you split the past bills you pay for all the house bills, she pays for all her apartment bills she pays for her own cell phone and her own insurance (helath insurance should be different and you can keep your son and her on your insurance since you can't legally take her off yet)
I would def. sep accounts and haver her pay her own bills while you split the cost of daycare.
tis was her choice and she needs to see what her choice means
so you split the past bills you pay for all the house bills, she pays for all her apartment bills she pays for her own cell phone and her own insurance (helath insurance should be different and you can keep your son and her on your insurance since you can't legally take her off yet)
