What the practice sections in Hold Me Tight ask me to do will be difficult. I've read the first three conversations. What you are asked to practice is to identify when you are participating in a Demon Dialogue with your spouse, be aware of how you are emotionally impacted by your partner's harsh words or distance, and share how it impacts you emotionally. The author's premise is that even distant, fighting couples want to connect, and can if they take the risk. This looks good on paper, but will be difficult to do in practice.
My responses are to withdraw or distance myself. These will be patterns I will need to change (180 in DB terms). I will need to hang in there with conflict, and when my W is critical or angry with me. My internal reaction is one of annoyance and anger, but to share that is participating in a nonconstructive dance. Sharing that I've been injured seems like too big a step to take. Maybe the next step is to slow down, and acknowledge my feelings to myself, instead of staying in emotional reactive mode.
My W has signed-up for a complimentary personal training session at our fitness center. She is between jobs and has time on her hands during the day. She is probably about 10-20 pounds overweight. She goes with me to group classes, but not to exeercise on her own. She is thinking about buying a package of personal training sessions to teach her how to exercise, and find a routine that works for her.
I want to return to the monthly Saturday night ballroom dances that I used to go to during my GAL phase. It hasn't gone well, when my W and I had gone together. I decided to invite a favorite classmate of hers to go with us this weekend. This way my W will have someone to talk to in between dances. This will take pressure off of me to dance every dance with her. I'll expect her to stay two hours. My hope is that she'll eventually become known in the ballroom community, and will enjoy herself. It's my dance partnership too. I like FMV's reminders about the importance of expressing our needs in the M.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Good morning CL - great post. Sounds like you're doing some real tough, introspective work. Take time to be proud of yourself for that.
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
My responses are to withdraw or distance myself. These will be patterns I will need to change (180 in DB terms). I will need to hang in there with conflict, and when my [Spouse] is critical or angry with me.
Sounds like we're in such similar places, CL. I agree, it's such a difficult pattern to change.
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
My internal reaction is one of annoyance and anger, but to share that is participating in a nonconstructive dance. Sharing that I've been injured seems like too big a step to take. Maybe the next step is to slow down, and acknowledge my feelings to myself, instead of staying in emotional reactive mode.
I think that sounds very productive actually. My IC let me know that going from withdrawal, right into sharing hurt 'in the moment' is a HUGE step to take, and one so large that's it's actually unreasonable to expect of oneself. Instead, let yourself withdraw, think about what happened, and then revisit it with your spouse later, once emotions aren't so high. I guess this is a perfectly acceptable first step to deal with conflict when your normal pattern is withdrawal. The idea is that after some time, you'll begin being able to process all that quicker, and soon be able to do it 'in that moment'.
I found a great book that complements perfectly this process she suggested. It's an older one but excellent. It's called 'The Assertiveness Workbook' by Randy J. Paterson (PhD). It's got these excellent little forms at the back you can photocopy and print out, that you fill in with 1) The situation; 2) Your Response; 3) If it was Assertive, Passive or Passive/Aggresive; 3) Your feelings afterward; and 4) An alternative response. I've been using it this week and have found it very helpful. I've only found it on amazon, but at least it's available as a kindle edition for immediate download, too.
Be sure to keep posting your progress; I'll do the same. Hopefully one of these days we'll both be managing that conflict in the moment and finding our relationships healthier ones for it! Good for you for returning to your Sat night ballroom dances. Take care! FMV.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Starsky, How does it sound like egg-shell walking to you? The point I'm making here is staying with conflict, and getting beyond the surface anger.
CL
Just an overall impression and feeling that oozes from your posts, CL. On the one hand, you are a smart, sensitive, introspective guy who seems to IDENTIFY the fact that you need to look out for your own interests, and draw your personal boundaries in your interactions with a sometimes-unpleasant wife, but I still feel you struggling to do so.
If I get a chance, I'll try to go upthread and look up some specific examples for you.
Any luck initiating/adding some affection to the mix?
On the one hand, you are a smart, sensitive, introspective guy who seems to IDENTIFY the fact that you need to look out for your own interests, and draw your personal boundaries in your interactions with a sometimes-unpleasant wife, but I still feel you struggling to do so.
Any luck initiating/adding some affection to the mix?
Starsky
Starsky, I cant' argue with you about your impressions--they are what they are, and serve as useful feedback to me. What I post and share are my struggles, so that is what you see. I feel like I'm getting better at expressing my needs, and taking action to get them met. I don't feel like the man in the story who moved a rock up a hill, only to have to do it again. I feel like I'm getting more skilled, and mentally stronger.
I think what it is that certain skills take time to develop, and it takes time to replace old habits with new ones. You're reminding me that I'm not there yet, and need to keep reading, and posting, and practicing.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
FMV, I agree that, going from withdrawal to sharing is too big a step for now. I won't expect that of myself for now.
What I'm doing is identifying the feelings beyond annoyed and angry--such as disappointment and frustration. When I do that privately, I feel lighter. There's an honesty to it. I than feel the freedom to do what I want with it. If I were to speak about it, it would come from a grounded place. I'm also more able to see my W's actions and words for what they are--her struggles whether with herself or me.
What I'm doing now is trying to listen to her and understand what she's trying to communicate. It's still diffiuclt to be on the receiving end of criticism. I try to remember the premise of Hold Me Tight, that behind criticism is a partner who's trying to connect with you.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
catching up....again. I can't use the computer at work to check this website and don't have a working computer at home. Still thinking of you and wishing you well.
I try to remember the premise of Hold Me Tight, that behind criticism is a partner who's trying to connect with you.
True, just wanting to be sure though, that you're establishing boundaries for how that criticism is being conveyed. I hope you're not tolerating any verbal abuse - name calling, rageful venting, insults, etc?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Reading the chapter on Forgiving Injuries in Hold Me Tight has been enlightening. The author states that one cannot have a healing conversation about past injuries until they are communicating on an intimate level about minor injuries on a regular basis. Distant couples do not heal. It is possible for couples to have some degree of connection without healing trauma, but not intimacy.
The author also frames relationship injuries as an inevitable part of a long-term relationship. I've been ashamed of the types of injuries and problems my M has endured. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself.
My W and I sleep together, but do not touch. The only touching we do is when we dance. My W sits at her computer desk to watch television, distant from me.
I'm percolating ideas of what I can do to change patterns that contribute to distance.
I'm reading a memoir called Grace and Grit by Ken Wilber, a psychologist who lost his wife to breast cancer. The theme of death has returned, as my W has persistent respiratory symptoms. I want to prepare myself for her death, as I think I'm going to live longer than her. She signed up for personal training at our fitness center. It starts next week.
She joined our local ballroom chapter, and intends on going to the monthly dances. She was uncomfortable at the ballroom dance on Saturday night. but stayed over two hours. Classmates from our studio sat together at the same table, which made the evening go much better. I cut the evening short for her, and took her out to dinner.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
On the one hand, you are a smart, sensitive, introspective guy who seems to IDENTIFY the fact that you need to look out for your own interests, and draw your personal boundaries in your interactions with a sometimes-unpleasant wife, but I still feel you struggling to do so.
Any luck initiating/adding some affection to the mix?
Starsky
Starsky, I cant' argue with you about your impressions--they are what they are, and serve as useful feedback to me. What I post and share are my struggles, so that is what you see. I feel like I'm getting better at expressing my needs, and taking action to get them met. I don't feel like the man in the story who moved a rock up a hill, only to have to do it again. I feel like I'm getting more skilled, and mentally stronger.
I think what it is that certain skills take time to develop, and it takes time to replace old habits with new ones. You're reminding me that I'm not there yet, and need to keep reading, and posting, and practicing.
FMV.