Think MLC should be my new home

[cat04]

As a victim of sexual abuse, there are certain situations that I do not put myself into.

Rae,

When you suffer something like this, it is wise to avoid situations that could be dangerous.

I don’t like your wording here though. You were a victim. Yes I agree.

Are you still a victim…

Or…

Are you a survivor?

There is a difference you know.

Maybe....

I have decided to not engage in these discussions anymore. Whenever they occur, I will walk away from you, hang up on you, and be unavailable to you until I can be addressed reasonably.

Then FOLLOW UP with that...

If you can’t say it, then simply say Stop and then walk away.

After enough times, he will get the picture.

I changed to please him...duh!

How did that work out for you?

the house wasn't clean enough. He was right and that's bc I was a spoiled brat on that one. We've had a housekeeper that came weekly for about 10 years. After H bought the vette, I had to let her go. Part of it was rebellion on my part, part of it was that I would forget. He likes the house to be so clean that it looks like no one lives here. But he was right, it wasn't clean enough and I fixed it.

So this shouldn’t sting anymore, but you still resent it a bit, right?

undermined him with the kids. This one really shocked me bc I honestly did not know what he was talking about. He was so adamant about it, that I really started paying attention to the ebb and flow of his interactions with the kids. Pretty much any time he said no about something, he would always turn around and say, Rae, what are your thoughts? I would give my honest thoughts about him saying no. Which, most times, contradicted what his wishes were. When I realized what he needed from me, I changed it. Now, if there is something I really disagree with, I discuss it in private bc he can be very rigid. He has a really hard time letting the girls go. Our oldest will be 17 in a few months and he won't let her be in a car by herself with a boy even though she doesn't have a boyfriend. All of the boys she hangs out with are friends. I think he might be a little scared of karma! (:

So another one that turned out to be a bit true…

What do you do when you can’t agree now? Why are you so lenient with the kids?

Did you really learn what he needed, which was your support, or did you just wait until you were in private to disagree with him?

I know we have to trust our children. However there is nothing wrong with setting limitations until they earn a bit more. Until they show a maturity level that proves they can handle situations.

Rae, you protected your D. From the abuse and from herself and I am not saying you made the wrong decisions, but you think him trying to protect her from teenage boys, is over protection…

Why are you choices better than his?

Are they really?

He doesn't like that we have cats. That's not something I am willing to change and he knows it.

So he focuses on the cats instead of the dogs? Something smells a little fishy here.

Do you have some resentment over the dog?

It should be pretty obvious to anyone who reads one of my posts that I absolutely love cats. Love them.
H dealt with them, even when we had 20 at one time.

BF, nope. Hates cats. So what to do? Is a cat, really really worth a relationship with another person?

Not so sure that it is.

Is this really the deal breaker Rae? Or just some fuel for YOUR fire?

I know that I can always go volunteer somewhere, visit someone, and get my cat fix…

He doesn't think I am organized enough. I'm really not sure how to change this one. WE aren't allowed to throw things away. I file paperwork. I keep the house clean. We have excellent credit. I'm stumped on that one.

Don’t do anything then.

night owl. So, I tried switching to his schedule. I hated it and went back to what suits me. I get more accomplished and feel better.

Did you really hate it, or did you hate that it wasn’t making a difference?

Why are you a night owl?

That I get involved… That I am too feisty. ..That I am not hard enough on the kids… That I don't get involved with the kid's drama...I am too accepting of people. Ummm, ok.

Rae, you hit on the superficial stuff. You changed the superficial stuff that you felt like changing.

For HIM.

The deeper stuff, doesn’t sound like you have done much about.

And to be honest, you have explain away each and every one of his complaints. Why they are stupid, unfair, unreasonable, and why you couldn’t make the changes stick.

I see you putting a ton of the blame back on him, his inability to work on the R in any way.

In MLC, guess what?

They aren’t going to work on it.

You can’t change for them, you have to do it for you…

Or it won’t work (as you see), the changes won’t stick, and YOU won’t be happy with them or yourself…

Rae, this is NOT about him. This is about you and getting you to a place where you realize it isn’t about him.

Getting you to a place where you are comfortable in your own skin, with who YOU are.

This is where we dig.

Uncover the layers and layers of shiat and find the core of the things that cause us pain and hurt.

So that we can be whole and healthy and happy.

So that we can learn the difference between trying to change something about us that is part of our core (which would be a sacrifice) and being able to compromise with another person for the greater good (the relationship).

You could find someone that is more suited to you. You could, and be happy for a while, but similar issues will arise, until you know the difference.

I know you said you have done the digging, but your life and your words, indicate that there is more.


Because YOUR life, your happiness, your comfort with your choices, still seem to be dictated by him.