So...all that talk about of me having a few more months of being under one roof just drastically went south. My wife asked if we could sit down and talk. I said sure we can. So out came the words I never dreamt my wife, MY WIFE, would ever say: "I'm moving out by the end of next week." Nothing prepares you for it, really. But I remained calm and composed throughout the whole conversation. Unlike some people, I don't have the ability to remember every word said, so here's the overall blow-by-blow (somewhat literally):
- My wife was obviously emotionally hurting while telling me her plans. - She will be moving to an undisclosed location nearby. - She said she needed to leave because of all that's been going, she feels like she can't breathe and can't deal with her anger and guilt while we're in the same house; she is more guarded and she explains she has been mean to me because she felt trapped and at the same time didn't want me to see her in pain. - She still thinks that even though I seem nice and fine now, I might be all angry and mean later on, and try to get in the way of her plans. She said I have been known to be fickle during our marriage. - I validated her fears and how I was indeed fickle during our marriage. - My wife then said started talking about child custody. She said that was one of the reasons she went to the child psych. It was to get advice on what's developmentally important for our son. The psych said that during separations/divorce, 2-3+ boys have a strong desire for their mothers. So my wife mentioned that our son's living arrangement should be based at her new place. For now, we've agreed on me having him for two full days a week and picking him up from school everyday and having dinner with him. Plus she mentioned that since it's one of her busier year in terms of going for residency interviews and courses, I'll be having my son for many days at a time. - My wife didn't want me to know where she's moving to. Not yet, she said. Then she started tearing up. She said she just needed to be away from this for awhile. I told her that I understood she needs the space, and reassured her I wasn't or will not be angry. - I brought up custody when she goes into residency. It seemed like she was likely going out of state. She said yes. Are you going to place a court order on me, she asked? I didn't go into that, but got my point across that I want my son to still be part of my life. Not summer visits and all that. I asked about who's going to care for our son when she's in residency, with its 30-hour work shifts and all. I said ideally our son should be cared for by both his father and mother, not family members (I know she has her parents in mind). My wife said well, it will really depend on which hospital/state she gets accepted into, so it's too early to tell. We both agreed that we'll discuss this later on. Personally, even though she wants to go the uncontested route, I really worry about what I need to do to keep my son close. - Then she asked if we can figure out what furniture and things either of us wants to keep. When we talked about wedding pictures, she broke down. And I cried with her too. She said she never dreamt that she'd have those photos taken down and stored in a box. She cried more when she said she'll probably sell her wedding gown. We cried together again. - My wife wondered if I was going to move out. I said not yet. How I was going to pay for our current rent once she moves out, she asked. I told her I can't rent outside because most either need you to have a current job, or be a student. My wife is silent for a moment after I said this.
Then, here's where our conversation starts getting a little more personal: - My wife comments that I probably think she's evil and is a mean b****, and will go complaining to people about her, but that's understandable due to what's happening. I acknowledge her, and told her if I called her evil before, it was mean spirited and wrong of me. - She said she was done dealing with me. The lying is what did her in. So many years, so many times. She brought up that I lied as recently as yesterday when she noticed my infamous face twitch that I do when I lie about something. I said yes I did, I lied to you. She said that who knows what else I'm doing. Then I made a mistake by challenging her by asking her of she'd read my face now if she'd ask me if I, say for example, didn't teach my son how to brush his teeth? Will it twitch? She said she couldn't read it at that time because we were in different rooms. I said, well, if I was lying, you could still ask me after the fact, and my face should still twitch if I was lying, right? I realized I was challening her and quickly backed off. - She continued saying that my lying isn't just about porn, it's about almost everything else (how does she know that for a fact?). I owned up and said yes, I lied about many things and I regret doing that to you. - And she said again that she thinks there's no way I'm off porn. When I answered her question a couple of nights ago if I was I said, "No, I'm not addicted any more." She said that's what addicts who are in denial and not inwardly aware of their addiction. She reminded me that I used to say that throughout our marriage after/during counselling, but I was not changed. So she said that's why she needs to be with a man that can be honest with her. She can't live like this anymore. I said I understand, I was very dishonest with you, way more than I needed to. I said what I said the other night was a general statement, and that I am aware of my triggers and it's not a losing struggle for me anymore. She didn't believe me. - She told me she wants someone who'll be honest, work hard and treat her well. Then she added: "That's also why I want to move out, I have so much guilt and anger towards you for how you treated that I need to deal with." I then told her that agree with you and if she ever needed someone to talk or vent about this or anything, I'm here. She said she didn't want to put that on me. We're not married anymore. I reassured her, and said you know my stance. Whatever you choose to do, I will be here for you. I may have to say no from time to time, but know that you have my ears and heart, because I care about you a lot. She started crying again, and I tried comforting her. She said through her teary eyes, "Part of me says stop crying and let everything go back to normal...but I can't be with you." - We started onto a slightly religious conversation, about divorce. But then she said she is at peace with God about she's doing. What she said next really broke my heart (I didn't let it show, though): "Which is why I will probably try around a little". I knew that she meant sleeping around. She said she needed to see who has good libido, because her husband didn't even want to have sex with her on their wedding night. The bible never said you shouldn't sleep around. A lot of the women and men in the bible were pretty promiscuous. Then she said, "I don't know why I told you that." - A little into the conversation, she said, "Now, I don't know who'll want a saggy body like mine, saggy boobs, saggy belly sac. You, on the other hand, will get to have sex with a woman with a perfect body who's never had kids. I just hope to find someone who accepts my saggy body. This is what I get for saving myself before marriage. Do YOU find my saggy boobs and tummy attractive?" I said, "Oh yes." - She then said it's interesting how men who realize that they can't have their wives anymore suddenly find them attractive. I said I'm aware of that statement, but from where I am, it's a huge sign I'm in control of porn and understand it. I explained to her one of my big epiphanies is that when I have a trigger or temptation, instead of seeking out porn, my heart, body, mind and (ahem) horniness becomes focused on her and her body. I looked her in the eye and said that has been one of the greatest thing I've achievement in a long time. I was and am so happy to have trigger that don't draw me back to porn. My wife just listened and DIDN'T make snide comments or say that she didn't believe me unlike earlier in our conversation.
Then we spent the next hour talking about her family, their disfunctions, quirks and how her parents have mellowed out. She broke contact with her family early in our marriage and had recently got back together when we got separated. Basically we talked and laughed like we did in the past, though this time I practiced being a really good listener, making frequent eye contact, and giving her my full attention. I tried to be an active participant too, something I didn't used to do well. By now, my wife was definitely at ease talking, in contrast to the beginning of our conversation.
We got into the topic of abortion (we usually talk about interesting but rather random stuff) and I noticed my wife shivering a little. So while she talked and keeping my attention on her, I made a couple of cups of hot chocolate (her fave), and we drank together. Then I started realizing that this is probably the last time we'll be having a nice, long conversation like this on this couch, this room, this house, about things that we both relate to.
But I remained calm and composed throughout the whole conversation. Unlike some people, I don't have the ability to remember every word said, so here's the overall blow-by-blow (somewhat literally):
