Honey, if you try to fix every little thing about yourself and what you do that he complains about; it will NEVER be enough for him.
You will feed the beast until you draw the line or have a nervous breakdown; because of all the stress you ALLOW him to put on you.
Don't take what he says personally; roll it right off your back; JUST because he says it; does NOT make it gospel truth.
The world was NOT designed to evolve around him; you have place in it, too. And, it's time you claimed your place, because YOU matter, too.
You really do need to draw back from him; make changes as it suits YOU..the changes you make; the wounds you heal, and the lessons you learn are for YOU; not your husband. He has to learn his OWN lessons, heal his own wounds, and change himself, within HIS OWN journey.
His comments are designed to keep you spinning within his criticisms; and no matter what you do; it will NEVER be enough..there will always be; ONE MORE THING.
It's a cycle of a type, designed to keep his focus on YOU; so he doesn't have to focus on himself.
Something has to give; the cycle has to break, and change has to start with YOU.
If you keep taking his remarks seriously; you will have a nervous breakdown; and nothing will get done within you; because your focus is still on HIM; and what HE thinks.
What do YOU think; and what do YOU want?
My advice would be to get off his rollercoaster, detach from him completely, and only look at the remarks that sting you; and see where the grains of truth lie within those.
But make changes for YOU; NOT him.
I've gone through this; and I had to learn that just because he said it, didn't mean it was gospel truth.
He could complain all he wanted; but I couldn't keep up with all his complaints; and like you; I spun myself around and around; trying to please him..and it wasn't happening.
There was ALWAYS one more thing to address; and the list became endless; I could do NOTHING right in his eyes; and it nearly drove me crazy before I understood that what he thought and complained really wasn't THAT important.
He was using me as an excuse to NOT look at or within himself.
When this understanding dawned on me, I got OFF the rollercoaster;beginning the breaking of this type of cycle, and I began to also understand that change had to begin within ME; and these changes would affect him.
I found that I did not need to change for him, I needed to change for ME...it was ME that I could control, NOT him...and I had to become someone I could live with; didn't matter if HE could live with me...his choice; accept me for what I became or leave.
I had to go ALL the way back to childhood; and start sorting through; to understand WHY I related, and acted the way I did..through greater understanding of the problems I brought from childhood, I began to grow within myself and began to know myself in an honest way.
The Lord showed me, upon my asking, the deeper areas that I needed to work on...and it was hard at first; because I didn't want to see the weakness that was within me.
I had trouble saying "no"; I was a people pleaser; and I wanted everyone to like me; and couldn't understand why they didn't.
The only stand I made with consistency was within my walk with the Lord...but even that wasn't enough; I had to change in other areas, too.
Through the inward journey, I saw many areas within myself that needed growth, change, the old wounds that had to be ripped open; understood, and healed.
What came forward was a totally different woman; one who was confident; and didn't base her self esteem on what her husband had to say. She no longer defined herself by what others said and thought; she became her own woman; independent in her own right.
My husband did NOT like the "new" me at first..and I found that was OK; he could either adjust, changing in response to my changes, or walk away.
I found that not everything was worth answering; and I let many things pass..it just wasn't worth all that to fight over what he thought...and it confused him when I started NOT answering him.
The quieter I stayed, the more worried he got; and the more he had to think about and face himself.
He adjusted and changed, this took time; and few battles, because he tried to pressure me back into what he'd known; the "old" was easier to deal than the new.
But the growth and change was well worth the battle; I was NOT going back to the "old" me. I also found that he would treat me as I allowed him to; and I don't know how many times I took the walk out of the room; when he started yelling or was totally disrespect...this was boundary; and I enforced it; never backing down.
Eventually; his disrespectful behavior and snide comments came to a halt.
In time, he chose to stay with me; but I'd known it could have easily gone the other way, too; and by that time I was well on my journey and feeling better within myself; I knew I would be all right, no matter what happened going forward.
My point is, change begins with YOU; and all else will fall into place in a different way, as you change and grow...the way is hard; I won't kid you; because as you change; you force, not only your husband, but other people you deal with to change the way they relate to you...or they can choose to walk away.
I lost MANY people that I'd thought were my friends through the growth and changes I made within.
But, it turned out; my "friends" weren't such a loss after all...once I realized that I was being "used" by these people; once I set boundaries to protect me; they didn't want to deal with me, anymore.
I was called selfish and worse; because I had truly learned to care for and take care of ME in a completely new way.
I don't have a problem with letting people be who they are; they can take me or leave me.
I was unable to get to looking hard within myself; UNTIL I got my focus OFF my husband; and put it on ME and our son.
I could do nothing for him; but everything for me.
I stopped doing things for him; forcing him to get it done, if he wanted it done; down to the point of doing his own laundry.
He was NOT my child; and I'd already had son who was 15; doing HIS own laundry, and learning to cook and clean for himself.
I may be on the mark or I may be way off the mark; but take it in the spirit it's offered in.
These things are just food for thought; take what you need and leave the rest.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
