Wife of 6-years Wants a Divorce - pt 2

[wanda15]

Just checking in. Glad you sound like you are heading down a great path. You have got some awesome advice. Keep going !

[sandi2]

So am I being a husband or a friend to my wife? I keep hearing both sides of the coin in this forum.

It's strange to me that back in high school years whenever I broke up with a guy and told him I just wanted us to be friends....he had no problem at all knowing what that meant. And here's the thing....the guys were NEVER happy about it! I might as well have told them the other option....which was "I think of you as a brother"! Ha, that never went over well.

Bottom line here men, is don't be your W's girlfriend! I bet she wasn't looking for a best girlfriend when she chose you, now did she?

Some people, (my H for one) had no intention of taking second place to being a H. He said that we weren't going in on the buddy-buddy system and we would be H & W.

It's kind of like being friends with your kids (when they are growing up). They can have lots of friends, but they need you for a parent. That's not to say that you cannot be friend-ly and have a loving R with them.....but if you resign from the high place of parenthood to accept the position of friend...then your child will lose such a critical need in his/her life. That need is to have a parent.

I tend to look at M like that. I do see what DB is saying about being a friend and I won't argue with that, but at the same time.....your W "needs" that important role of a H filled by you. Her R with her H is completely different than those of her other friends. That's not to say H & W cannot be friend-ly and loving with each other.

In cases of S or D, then being a friend may be the only option left. When things are so raw between a couple, then even friendship seems out of the question. If they can find their way back to kind of "liking" each other enough to throw the friend word in there....that's sure better than hating one another forever. But if you're going to live with her....just make sure she doesn't confuse you with one of her girlfriends.

[Firstlove]

Sandi2

Wise words from a wise lady. IF my W ever returns to our M, and that is going to be a BIG IF - I want us to be best friends for sure, but more importantly, I want to be her Husband and Lover - friendly yes, but Husband and Lover first and foremost - I hope I get the chance to be all three again.

[alamo76]

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In cases of S or D, then being a friend may be the only option left. When things are so raw between a couple, then even friendship seems out of the question. If they can find their way back to kind of "liking" each other enough to throw the friend word in there....that's sure better than hating one another forever. But if you're going to live with her....just make sure she doesn't confuse you with one of her girlfriends.

I think my wife wants us to be friends, and according to her, no more than friends. At least I have an avenue to work with. "Just try not to blow up this opportunity", I keep telling myself. I have three months or so left of us being under one roof, so I need to pull myself by the bootstraps and get with the program. Of course, it's easier to say all this than to actually do, so y'all are welcome to quote what I just said as a reminder when I backslide or get discouraged.

My wife has shown that she wants to be just friends by:

A. Flat out saying over and over again throughout the separation. That to her, I'm not her husband and she is not my wife, and that I'm only the father of our son.
B. She tries to make sure I have a roof under my head while I am jobless and financially tight.
C. She was concerned enough about our son's ability to have a good relationship with me by bringing him to a child psych. I'm not sure if this can be considered a sign of friendship or something else, but I'm listing it here anyway.

Sandi, I think even in a separation or divorce, especially the latter, there still can be a balance of being a husband and a friend. I guess it's about playing your cards right according to each situation. What I need to do fast is regain my composure and visibility as a husband and father, because I've been playing this friendly roommate deal for too long. I need to regain my respect, and if she sees it, that would be awesome!

[♪CS♪]

That is great advice Sandi, it really hits home with me. I know that the relationship I had with my wife might have been too much like a friendship, and I did not do the things a good H would do. I have thought a lot about that recently.

Hope all is well alamo. I have been following your sitch and I know how hard it all is. Keep up the good work and keep moving forward.

[alamo76]

That is great advice Sandi, it really hits home with me. I know that the relationship I had with my wife might have been too much like a friendship, and I did not do the things a good H would do. I have thought a lot about that recently.

Hope all is well alamo. I have been following your sitch and I know how hard it all is. Keep up the good work and keep moving forward.

Thanks, Country Song. I dig your username, BTW.

Thank you (and all y'all's) confidence in me. I wish I knew if I was doing good work. Mostly I feel better about myself, which is good. I cry less (alone and with friends, of course), I definitely don't plead and beg...I am definitely handling the bomb and living it much better than I did during the first few months, as recently as December, actually.

Wow, you know what? Just realized I've only been DBing only for 2 months or 3 at most. I'm neither the best DBer there is nor following the book to the T, but man, it sure feels like I've been doing this longer than the 2-3 months. I DO have a long way to go, even if you go by the number of years of marriage vs. number of months practicing DBing gauging system.

[alamo76]

UPDATE 7:30pm

You probably remember my post about my wife throwing out cards and gifts I made for her. Now she's starting to pack her stuff in boxes. So far it's books and a couple of pictures. One picture in particular is of her grandmother, which we had displayed in the bookshelf next to a photo of my deceased grandfather. Now his picture frame lays alone. And my wife really loved him.

[♪CS♪]

Hey alamo. I know the feeling. When my wife started moving out, I noticed everything that was missing. Here is what I did, changed it! I rearranged the remaining furniture in the living room so it looks like a room again. When she moved her dresser out, I put mine right in its place. I replaced the artwork she took. This helped me.

[alamo76]

UPDATE 8pm (Warning: Long post)

So...all that talk about of me having a few more months of being under one roof just drastically went south. My wife asked if we could sit down and talk. I said sure we can. So out came the words I never dreamt my wife, MY WIFE, would ever say: "I'm moving out by the end of next week." Nothing prepares you for it, really. But I remained calm and composed throughout the whole conversation. Unlike some people, I don't have the ability to remember every word said, so here's the overall blow-by-blow (somewhat literally):

- My wife was obviously emotionally hurting while telling me her plans.
- She will be moving to an undisclosed location nearby.
- She said she needed to leave because of all that's been going, she feels like she can't breathe and can't deal with her anger and guilt while we're in the same house; she is more guarded and she explains she has been mean to me because she felt trapped and at the same time didn't want me to see her in pain.
- She still thinks that even though I seem nice and fine now, I might be all angry and mean later on, and try to get in the way of her plans. She said I have been known to be fickle during our marriage.
- I validated her fears and how I was indeed fickle during our marriage.
- My wife then said started talking about child custody. She said that was one of the reasons she went to the child psych. It was to get advice on what's developmentally important for our son. The psych said that during separations/divorce, 2-3+ boys have a strong desire for their mothers. So my wife mentioned that our son's living arrangement should be based at her new place. For now, we've agreed on me having him for two full days a week and picking him up from school everyday and having dinner with him. Plus she mentioned that since it's one of her busier year in terms of going for residency interviews and courses, I'll be having my son for many days at a time.
- My wife didn't want me to know where she's moving to. Not yet, she said. Then she started tearing up. She said she just needed to be away from this for awhile. I told her that I understood she needs the space, and reassured her I wasn't or will not be angry.
- I brought up custody when she goes into residency. It seemed like she was likely going out of state. She said yes. Are you going to place a court order on me, she asked? I didn't go into that, but got my point across that I want my son to still be part of my life. Not summer visits and all that. I asked about who's going to care for our son when she's in residency, with its 30-hour work shifts and all. I said ideally our son should be cared for by both his father and mother, not family members (I know she has her parents in mind). My wife said well, it will really depend on which hospital/state she gets accepted into, so it's too early to tell. We both agreed that we'll discuss this later on. Personally, even though she wants to go the uncontested route, I really worry about what I need to do to keep my son close.
- Then she asked if we can figure out what furniture and things either of us wants to keep. When we talked about wedding pictures, she broke down. And I cried with her too. She said she never dreamt that she'd have those photos taken down and stored in a box. She cried more when she said she'll probably sell her wedding gown. We cried together again.
- My wife wondered if I was going to move out. I said not yet. How I was going to pay for our current rent once she moves out, she asked. I told her I can't rent outside because most either need you to have a current job, or be a student. My wife is silent for a moment after I said this.

Then, here's where our conversation starts getting a little more personal:
- My wife comments that I probably think she's evil and is a mean b****, and will go complaining to people about her, but that's understandable due to what's happening. I acknowledge her, and told her if I called her evil before, it was mean spirited and wrong of me.
- She said she was done dealing with me. The lying is what did her in. So many years, so many times. She brought up that I lied as recently as yesterday when she noticed my infamous face twitch that I do when I lie about something. I said yes I did, I lied to you. She said that who knows what else I'm doing. Then I made a mistake by challenging her by asking her of she'd read my face now if she'd ask me if I, say for example, didn't teach my son how to brush his teeth? Will it twitch? She said she couldn't read it at that time because we were in different rooms. I said, well, if I was lying, you could still ask me after the fact, and my face should still twitch if I was lying, right? I realized I was challening her and quickly backed off.
- She continued saying that my lying isn't just about porn, it's about almost everything else (how does she know that for a fact?). I owned up and said yes, I lied about many things and I regret doing that to you.
- And she said again that she thinks there's no way I'm off porn. When I answered her question a couple of nights ago if I was I said, "No, I'm not addicted any more." She said that's what addicts who are in denial and not inwardly aware of their addiction. She reminded me that I used to say that throughout our marriage after/during counselling, but I was not changed. So she said that's why she needs to be with a man that can be honest with her. She can't live like this anymore. I said I understand, I was very dishonest with you, way more than I needed to. I said what I said the other night was a general statement, and that I am aware of my triggers and it's not a losing struggle for me anymore. She didn't believe me.
- She told me she wants someone who'll be honest, work hard and treat her well. Then she added: "That's also why I want to move out, I have so much guilt and anger towards you for how you treated that I need to deal with." I then told her that agree with you and if she ever needed someone to talk or vent about this or anything, I'm here. She said she didn't want to put that on me. We're not married anymore. I reassured her, and said you know my stance. Whatever you choose to do, I will be here for you. I may have to say no from time to time, but know that you have my ears and heart, because I care about you a lot. She started crying again, and I tried comforting her. She said through her teary eyes, "Part of me says stop crying and let everything go back to normal...but I can't be with you."
- We started onto a slightly religious conversation, about divorce. But then she said she is at peace with God about she's doing. What she said next really broke my heart (I didn't let it show, though): "Which is why I will probably try around a little". I knew that she meant sleeping around. She said she needed to see who has good libido, because her husband didn't even want to have sex with her on their wedding night. The bible never said you shouldn't sleep around. A lot of the women and men in the bible were pretty promiscuous. Then she said, "I don't know why I told you that."
- A little into the conversation, she said, "Now, I don't know who'll want a saggy body like mine, saggy boobs, saggy belly sac. You, on the other hand, will get to have sex with a woman with a perfect body who's never had kids. I just hope to find someone who accepts my saggy body. This is what I get for saving myself before marriage. Do YOU find my saggy boobs and tummy attractive?" I said, "Oh yes."
- She then said it's interesting how men who realize that they can't have their wives anymore suddenly find them attractive. I said I'm aware of that statement, but from where I am, it's a huge sign I'm in control of porn and understand it. I explained to her one of my big epiphanies is that when I have a trigger or temptation, instead of seeking out porn, my heart, body, mind and (ahem) horniness becomes focused on her and her body. I looked her in the eye and said that has been one of the greatest thing I've achievement in a long time. I was and am so happy to have trigger that don't draw me back to porn. My wife just listened and DIDN'T make snide comments or say that she didn't believe me unlike earlier in our conversation.

Then we spent the next hour talking about her family, their disfunctions, quirks and how her parents have mellowed out. She broke contact with her family early in our marriage and had recently got back together when we got separated. Basically we talked and laughed like we did in the past, though this time I practiced being a really good listener, making frequent eye contact, and giving her my full attention. I tried to be an active participant too, something I didn't used to do well. By now, my wife was definitely at ease talking, in contrast to the beginning of our conversation.

We got into the topic of abortion (we usually talk about interesting but rather random stuff) and I noticed my wife shivering a little. So while she talked and keeping my attention on her, I made a couple of cups of hot chocolate (her fave), and we drank together. Then I started realizing that this is probably the last time we'll be having a nice, long conversation like this on this couch, this room, this house, about things that we both relate to.

I love my wife so much...

Sorry this is so bloody long.

[wanda15]

I don't have much to offer tonight Alamo...in a rotten place myself. But you sound like you need a really big hug, so i am sending you one. This doesn't sound like the end for you...just a new path. And one you might be able to walk with your W. keep DBing and try not to get depressed. I will pray for you and your family. Take care of yourself Alamo.