First of all you confused him with your behavior; he was expecting crying/begging; and you weren't giving him any ammunition to fight you with.
He was expecting you to actually FIGHT him on this; and you didn't.
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H today said we need to move forward with filing. I asked if there was any chance we could try to R. In his mind, not much. MC? No, why do something you could read in a book. He's not sure he would be willing to try anything I suggest.
If he wants a divorce that badly; let him do the heavy lifting, while you protect yourself financially.
Don't suggest anything else to him; just let him go to do what he thinks he needs to do. MC doesn't work for someone who thinks they don't need any help.....your typical MLC'er thinks they are NOT the one with the problem; they think it's the LBS.
And until that changes; counseling does NO good.
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I know it doesn't have to happen right now, but he is off today and tomorrow, and then he works the next 6 days, on a opposite shift from mine. Even if we could talk be fore he goes to work, I wouldn't want to upset him before leaves for work. His job needs his undivided attention.
It won't matter what you say, and it won't matter what you do; he will do what he THINKS he needs to do, anyway...so you just have to let him go; but, again protect yourself as necessary.
It may go as far as the actual movement of the divorce going through to open his eyes; OR he may just keep right on going on this path toward total destruction.
Somewhere along the line; it is made clear that they don't get off the hook or out of the marriage that easily.
Now, that last sounded controlling; but the LBS at times such as these, IS called upon to deal out consequences in regards to a MLC'er who wants a divorce; but doesn't want to take responsibility...they want a "free ticket" to a new life; and this is NOT to be.
Now, IF the MLC'er does what is right by the LBS; stronger measures don't need to be taken..but most of the time, the MLC'er will run roughshod over the LBS if allowed..especially, considering the state of mind they are in; they don't care if the LBS survives or not; just so they get what they think they want.
And if it gets to the point you have to legally make him take his responsibility; don't feel bad about it; for every action, there is a reaction; and for every action there is a consequence.
In the state of mind he's in; he would, if he could, leave you with all of the responsibilities; while he has his fun with the OW.
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I think it's partly due to me asking him to pay his share of the expenses this month. He said he can't pay half of "mine" and his. Mine? His name is on this mortgage too!
He doesn't even CARE that his name is on the mortgage; he's expecting YOU to take care of all of it; and he'll most likely get really angry when he finds that you won't do what he expects you to do...this is how it works the majority of the time. It's because he wants that extra money to play and spend on the OW!
He's quite serious in his intent to leave you holding the bag while he gets to be irresponsible; he thinks it's going to work, but you know that it won't, and it shouldn't. Unfortunately; MLC'er's have been known the "skip" out on their responsibilities; and his share of the household bills is but ONE of his responsibilities he's trying to skip out on.
The OW COULD be pushing him; but that would STILL be HIS fault for caving to this kind of control.
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Funny, but as I was talking to him, I thought that however this goes, I'll be all right. There are too many things I see in him right now that bother me. But he still doesn't seem to be himself. He even said, why would you want to be married to me? Why wouldn't you find someone to make you happy?
That last is his guilt talking; and if you went and found someone else; as he's suggesting, just as he thinks he's gone and done; it would alleviate his guilt; because then, he gets to further blame you for his weakness, and his problem.
He KNOWS deep inside that he is wrong; he is guilty, and if he can convince you to take a step toward someone else to move on..then he doesn't feel so guilty about himself.
The fact remains; that he has committed, and is STILL committing, a shameful act; adultery is the ultimate betrayal within the marriage...and it is a total breakdown and betrayal of the very vows that bound the two of your together in the beginning.
His guilt is multiplied every time he looks at you; and you don't have to say ONE word to him. He has taken your love and dashed it on the stones; smashed it against the wall.
He SHOULD feel guilty he's the one who had done WRONG!
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I have to go back to the hospital to make arrangements for my mom. As my sister said, he drops this on you while your mom is lying in a hospital?
That's evident that he cares for no one but himself at the moment; their selfishness is deeply entwined within themselves.
He keeps hurting himself worse and worse; as if he continues; there may come a time when the damage becomes TOO much; and if he were to try and return; there may be no place for him with you.
The damage gets bad; but you are the only one who can say enough is enough.
No one else can tell you when you are to stop; that decision is for you and you, alone.
I am REALLY sorry this is happening to you; your mother in bad shape; and all that's happening..your plate is full at the moment.
It'll be ok; you've seen a glimpse of that fact; it is one of the points you reach within the crisis.
Hold strong; you've done nothing wrong; and you know that with a certainty.
Look after your Mother; she is what's important right now; not your MLC spouse.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
