I was talking to my yesterday when she quite bluntly put it that she's walking out of the M because she did not want our D to grow up like me with my panic,anxiety issues. I also suspect that there could be her personal reasons too like she did not like being married to someone who might not always be happy.
Through my marriage i have always made decisions based on whether my W would be happy or upset with them. I did not bother to make sure if i'd be happy with them.
yesterday when we were discussing our daughter conservatorship, she said she wanted sole custody unless I was willing to go into therapy in which case she'd be okay for joint custody.
I later decided that i would accept going into therapy. I thought that she might see that i am making an effort and might decide to come back(someday). Then it just hit me. I just made a decision again based on whether she would be happy with me or upset with me.
The hard part i am trying to understand here is that at this stage when our divorce might take place in about 2 weeks, do i do things to make her happy or do i do things to improve myself.
I think i just answered my question...
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Two weeks is not enough time to become what your W wants. In fact, your entire life could be spent on trying to be what she wants....and still not accomplish it.
After I got M, I would compare my H with my father, our friends, the neighbor, and just about every man I knew. It would make me mad when I read a book that said to accept him for the way he was, b/c I didn't like the way he was. Funny that I didn't have a problem doing that before we M.
Your W needs to mature in relation areas, just as you need to get stronger. You seem to understand the areas you need to strengthen, and that is good b/c you can start to grow.
I think your W wants a man who will stand up to her when she is wrong, and stand up for her above anyone else (including family). Women want to see mental and emotional strong man. That is more important than being physically strong. She might not show that's what she wants, but she really does. That how women are wired.
Women have to respect their H before they can be sexually attracted to them. It sounds as if your W has lost respect for you. We will try to help you build that respect, but it will take longer than two weeks, okay?
With her parents encouraging her to have a H like dear old dad, it may take quite some time for her to realize it is you that she really wants. But for now, you need to leave her alone and just try to help yourself get stronger.
Do not do anything based on if it makes her happy. You do what you believe is right, especially child custody. Always trying to make the W happy is not the magic formula in a MR.
If you have to communicate with her the next two weeks, do not show any neediness and don't try to cling to her even though you want to. It's very important that you not beg her to reconsider her decision. Even if she goes through with the D, there is hope in R if she doesn't M some other man.
BTW, I must have missed something, but it doesn't seem like there was much time involved before getting the D. Are you sure about all the legal ramifications, or are you just taking what she says?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Right now i am just concentrating on figuring out myself. We got married when i was 23. Did not have enough time to figure out myself as i usually dug my head into the books during my school years. So over the years, i sorta lost of own self identity that i need to discover.
Yup, I am not worried about the D. I'd love re-marrying my W back if we can restart a healthy R. With new vows perhaps.
My W filed for D on 01/03. Technically in TX we can get divorced 60 days after filing. So the actually D might happen on or after 03/04. The 2 weeks was just so her A can get the final papers drawn out.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I am be driven by lot of guilt that i am still unable to GAL. On sunday when my W and I talked, i did talk about R for 5 mins. W kept telling where i went wrong and why she left. My guiltometer just shot through the roof. Have been unable to do anything for myself as i feel so guilty that i dont deserve this.
I was finally able to overcome the guilt. Today i got a Casio keyboard. I always wanted to learn the Piano or the guitar. I am so looking forward to learning to play the piano so i can calm myself down with music. I also signed myself up for some yoga classes. Ironically being an Indian, i never did yoga myself
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Wow, today has been good and bad. As usual i always feel bad in the morning. I guess it is because i am waking up to reality. I usually feel good before going to bed because i know that i can dream.
This morning i read and email from W asking me why i have not mailed in the paperwork she asked for. She's so ready to just get the D and move on...
But later i started reading this book called "anxious to please" that i just happened to get from the half-price bookstore. Wow what an eye opener. I felt that the author actually got into my mind, read all my feelings and wrote the book. I think i understand my issues well now. It sorta helps to know why you do the things you do. Not that any of this helps with the fact that my W will be out of life soon. But it helps me in better recognizing myself and improving myself. I'll need to do this for my daughter's sake if not my W.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Okay Karma, I am all up to date. Your situation is one that feels fairly familiar to me, so I will follow along and see if I can offer any assistance.
First off, try to keep your situation limited to one thread. This reduces confusion and allows the rest of us stay current on what is going on. I would recommend you make a post in your other thread linking to this one, and saying not to post in that one anymore. I will just read this one from now on seeing as how it is the more up to date of the two.
Let me start by saying, man, you got it bad. Do not fear however, there is still hope. It takes time to change thirty-something years of conditioning. If you are willing, you can not only master yourself, but learn how to manage all your relationships better, including that with your W, your D, and even difficult family members.
First thing you need to do, is try to calm down and not panic so much. I am sure because of the pending D, you are feeling pressure to "fix" things ASAP. You need to be at peace with it, and realize she has already left, the D is just a technicality. She has already checked out emotionally. It is going to take time to fix things, and that timeframe may or may not align with that of the D in time to stop it. Based on how quickly she is moving things, probably not. Right now, you need to allow yourself time to work on your own issues. If you try desperately to fix things before the D goes through, you will only drive her further away. Just have faith in the fact that you are on your way now.
Sooo...take a deep breath, and get ready to work on you. I'll stick with you if you are willing to try.
I honestly believe you have a classic case of nice guy syndrome, and all the bad things that come with it. There are good books on the subject, please take the time to research. One book that really helped me understand it was No more mr nice guy. You might consider looking it up after reading DB and/or DR.
I am going to suggest two things you can implement immediately. From what I can tell, you are similar to me in that you are very cerebral and analytical. I am going to suggest ACTIONS you can take, as opposed to sitting inside your own mind trying to figure everything out.
1. Be more decisive
Actually ACT more decisive. You need to exercise your decision making muscles. I want you to catch yourself ANY TIME you find yourself saying "I don't know/care, what do you think/whatever you want to do".
This may be on big decisions such as the sale of your house, to little things like someone asking what you want to eat for dinner that night. You need to get in touch with what YOU actually want to do, or to happen. When someone asks your opinion, have one and give it. The most recent example of this was your W asking what you thought of the places she was considering sending your D.
Good response (strong man who knows exactly what he wants): "I will look into them and let you know what I think".
Bad response (weak man who just wants approval): "whatever you think is best".
Start looking for these responses in EVERY aspect of your life. Resolve to have an opinion and to make clear decisions for yourself. Never let others make up YOUR MIND for you.
2. Take up a HARD physical pursuit that leaves you exhausted
Don't you punish yourself mentally enough? Feel guilty about GAL? Then go punish yourself physically, by which I mean do HARD PHYSICAL WORK. I suggest boxing or kickboxing, lifting weights, running, swimming. Yoga is great, meditation is great also, but for your specific case I suggest something that gets your heart pumping, and leaves you feeling physically drained.
Why do I suggest this? Part of it is chemical. When you work out like this, your body releases all kinds of mood enchancers. It also helps relieve stress/anxiety, and it gets you in touch with your masculine instincts. There are dozens of other benefits, but I this is already getting long, so I will just leave it at that. Use this activity to help manage the negative things you are feeling.
More to come, if and when YOU DECIDE you are ready.
SF
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Oops, I may have posted this in the wrong one after all that. =/
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
As usual i always feel bad in the morning. I guess it is because i am waking up to reality. I usually feel good before going to bed because i know that i can dream.
Funny, I am the complete opposite. I wake up feeling good, a new day. Then, negative thoughts can tend to get the better of me when I lie in bed at night. Although it is getting better, sleeping better as time goes on.
Hang in there.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
