Hoping to find some peace

[spellfire]

Okay Karma, I am all up to date. Your situation is one that feels fairly familiar to me, so I will follow along and see if I can offer any assistance.

First off, try to keep your situation limited to one thread. This reduces confusion and allows the rest of us stay current on what is going on. I would recommend you make a post in your other thread linking to this one, and saying not to post in that one anymore. I will just read this one from now on seeing as how it is the more up to date of the two.

Let me start by saying, man, you got it bad. Do not fear however, there is still hope. It takes time to change thirty-something years of conditioning. If you are willing, you can not only master yourself, but learn how to manage all your relationships better, including that with your W, your D, and even difficult family members.

First thing you need to do, is try to calm down and not panic so much. I am sure because of the pending D, you are feeling pressure to "fix" things ASAP. You need to be at peace with it, and realize she has already left, the D is just a technicality. She has already checked out emotionally. It is going to take time to fix things, and that timeframe may or may not align with that of the D in time to stop it. Based on how quickly she is moving things, probably not. Right now, you need to allow yourself time to work on your own issues. If you try desperately to fix things before the D goes through, you will only drive her further away. Just have faith in the fact that you are on your way now.

Sooo...take a deep breath, and get ready to work on you. I'll stick with you if you are willing to try.

I honestly believe you have a classic case of nice guy syndrome, and all the bad things that come with it. There are good books on the subject, please take the time to research. One book that really helped me understand it was No more mr nice guy. You might consider looking it up after reading DB and/or DR.

I am going to suggest two things you can implement immediately. From what I can tell, you are similar to me in that you are very cerebral and analytical. I am going to suggest ACTIONS you can take, as opposed to sitting inside your own mind trying to figure everything out.


1. Be more decisive

Actually ACT more decisive. You need to exercise your decision making muscles. I want you to catch yourself ANY TIME you find yourself saying "I don't know/care, what do you think/whatever you want to do".

This may be on big decisions such as the sale of your house, to little things like someone asking what you want to eat for dinner that night. You need to get in touch with what YOU actually want to do, or to happen. When someone asks your opinion, have one and give it. The most recent example of this was your W asking what you thought of the places she was considering sending your D.

Good response (strong man who knows exactly what he wants): "I will look into them and let you know what I think".

Bad response (weak man who just wants approval): "whatever you think is best".

Start looking for these responses in EVERY aspect of your life. Resolve to have an opinion and to make clear decisions for yourself. Never let others make up YOUR MIND for you.


2. Take up a HARD physical pursuit that leaves you exhausted

Don't you punish yourself mentally enough? Feel guilty about GAL? Then go punish yourself physically, by which I mean do HARD PHYSICAL WORK. I suggest boxing or kickboxing, lifting weights, running, swimming. Yoga is great, meditation is great also, but for your specific case I suggest something that gets your heart pumping, and leaves you feeling physically drained.

Why do I suggest this? Part of it is chemical. When you work out like this, your body releases all kinds of mood enchancers. It also helps relieve stress/anxiety, and it gets you in touch with your masculine instincts. There are dozens of other benefits, but I this is already getting long, so I will just leave it at that. Use this activity to help manage the negative things you are feeling.

More to come, if and when YOU DECIDE you are ready.

SF