Lost, hurt and scared ...

[MeMyselfandI]

OK, just came back from seeing kids and both seemed pretty good. Than I thought, wow, I'm really getting myself in a funk about this whole thing with the kids and I can't really do anything about it except be there for them.

H wasn't there to pick up their bags and had mentioned to me that he had lunch plans today when I had asked him about taking the dogs this weekend since no one was going to be here to look after them, (to which he agreed if I had no other alternative). In the past, prior to OW, he never had an issue with taking the dogs. So, he is coming to pick them up later tonight and they will be by themselves for about 6 hours. I decided to text H about dogs, (in the middle of his lunch date - don't care who it was with but I would presume OW - maybe I'm picking up on a little of GAG's BAG stuff if anyone knows what that's all about).

Me: Just so you know dogs aren't locked but will be in the garage ... I don't want to leave them without food and water for too long. If they leave any little surprises, don't worry about it I will clean up when I get back.

H: I'll clean it don't worry

Me: LOL, I told you not to worry ... what is this, one upsmanship(smiley)

H: Not at all, I wouldn't want 2 come home to it and would appreciate somone taking care of it 4 me. Just being nice

Me: Jokes ... Laugh a little! Thanks, I do appreciate it too and I knew u would just didn't want you to feel obligated.

I kinda chuckled at how defensive he seems to be right now. Almost like he doesn't feel what he is doing is right and has to protect and be guarded, even when I'm being lighthearted about things. I'm guessing this comes from the past when I wasn't really good at my DB techniques and things would roll along for a little while and then he would do something to P me off and I'd let him know. I'm finallly getting it ... I can't control what he does so I'm reminding myself of that daily and at every interaction. It's going to take him a while to notice this though and I'm going to be doing a lot more posting on here to vent.

It is also one of those GAL, 180 things for me. I was always such a joker with a great sense of humor,(sometimes very sarcastic but in a fun way) and somehow, along the way I lost that part of me. Many adored that part of me, including H and I'm working on getting that back. I think while losing myself, I lost my confidence to be that way and it really is a natural thing for me. Part of my charm I want back so to speak.