New and need help.

[Denver_2010]

Detaching is more for you than it is your situation in general. Detaching means that you are living your life and not focusing on what your S is doing... not worrying about his/her choices so much.

Look at it this way. The WAS is 'detached' from the LBS when they walk away. The LBS freaks out and attempts to move closer to the WAS... usually in a smothering way. This pushes the WAS even farther away and causes them to be even more detached. The WAS doesn't care what the LBS is doing or thinking. The WAS is doing their own thing. The LBS is smothering the WAS so they are sooo ATTACHED that the pain and suffering from not being able to get the WAS to come back is almost unbearable.

Do relieve ourselves from that pain and suffering, the LBS needs to turn and go the other way. DETACH.

The LBS needs to start doing what the WAS has done... stop caring about what the WAS is doing or thinking. The LBS needs to detach from the situation and do their own thing.

This is an emotional thing and it is very, very difficult.

Personally, I believe that there are levels of detachment. I think that I'm going to get slammed by some vets for saying that, but this is how I felt about it in my situation.

Complete detachment = We no longer care what the WAS is doing or thinking... nor do we care any longer what happens to the M. This is what eventually happens to both people in most Rs that don't work out. You had a h.s. girlfriend that you thought you were in love with... well 2, 5, 20 years later, you don't think that at all. You are completely detached from that.

Partial detachment - You still care about the M or R, still care about your S. You still want the M or R to work out, but you have accepted that you cannot control the WAS's behavior and/or choices. So, you begin to go about your daily life not worrying about that behavior or those choices. Partial detachment is somewhere on the spectrum between ATTACHMENT and COMPLETE DETACHMENT.

The farther you are towards complete detachment the less pain and suffering you will feel when your WAS does something that isn't in line with what YOU want.

Make sense?

If you're just giving the appearance of being detached, then you are missing the point of it.

Another purpose of being detached is that it may cause the WAS to draw closer to the LBS rather than move farther away. The opposite of what happens when we ATTACH at the beginning of the situation.

BITS
Denver