Not Sure Which Way to Go

[JustStunned]

DnOinTN, Welcome. I am not a vet here. I am just trying to make my way also. What follows is all IMO:

Bring up all the negatives in the R is a way of reinforcing her decision to end the R. Did you validate her feelings and apologize?

Asking about another women is a way of releasing her guilt and justifies moving on.

You need to work on you. Read DR again. Stop trying to fix the R. The R is done. You need to fix you first. Then maybe build a new R. I know with W. This is my hope too, but first fix you then build.

What are your 180s? Cleaning? What others? These are complete reverses of things your W hated in the R. Make a list. Do not share the list with anyone. While you cannot control others you can ask family to give you and W time and space. Dial the pressure down to 0. The more pressure the farther and faster W runs.

Detach, you seem too involved in the emotions of your sitch. Go dark. You have small children limit your interactions with W to what is good for the kids. Discussing the state of the MR or reconciliation is not in the kids best interest now. Kids pickup on our emotions pretty well, feeling the tension between M & D is not helpful for them.

What are you doing for GAL? These are things you do for you, to help you detach, distract you from the drama, improve your outlook. These should make you a happier more confident person. Do not put your GAL on a billboard for W to see. Just do them. Include the kids in this.

Establish short term action oriented goals. I struggle with this, but it gets easier.

Go back and read what Sandi and Awoken posted. They are vets and their advice is sound.