I thought I would start a new thread because I feel that “I” have turned a corner:
Yesterday was the first day in 3 months that I 100% DB. No contact through the day. The urge wasn’t there. Instead of 12:30pm text about dinner, I just went home and made dinner. If he was there great, if not Oh Well. Funny how things worked out.
HE sent me a text about dinner:
H: Any thoughts about dinner? Me: Starting now…no rush H: I’m not rushing you, or even obligating you just inquiring Me: ok
Normally I would have gone on and on. When he got home we ate dinner, played a few poker games. I laid on the couch and he ACTUALLY took the time to go up stairs and get me an electric blanket. THEN, he brought me dessert. He woke me around 11pm and walked me up stairs, turned my bed down and covered me and said good night. He came back a few minutes because he noticed that my light was on and he didn’t remember if he turned my blanket on.
It would have been perfect night if he wasn’t on his computer im’ing back in forth with someone. I tried to see who, but finally just said forget it, who cares?
This morning before work he was back to his luck warm self.
Any thoughts/suggestions or guidance??
me:51 H: 48 No kids together M:14 years seperated:Ask him to GET OUT 3/21/11 Piecing 09/14
That rollercoaster is just part of it. BELIEVE ME. See what happens when you detach? It's such a dance. When you pull away, he pushes closer. What he did this morning, probably sub-consciously IS pull away. Not that anything is bad about it. Heck, he could have even just woke up funny.
Realize, he's not in the same boat as you right now. We as LBS are very acute to ANYTHING that are spouses do good or bad. They aren't. They, in some instances, are simply going through the motions.
As far as the IMing - DON'T CARE! Don't check on him. Let him do his thing. It could be completely innocent.
I speak from experience here (I can hear others on the board yelling at me right now for what I'm saying). We as LBS have to let them live their lives as well. I know that was my problem. I never let my S live her own life. I had no idea I was doing it but now that I am, I have to let her do it.
VS2D - look at all the thoughtful things he did for you. Remember those AND remember when he did them. He did it all after you detached. ONE thing I would say...next time you guys are in that good zone, thank him for doing that. I'm not sure what his love language is but he may react two different ways. One is he may not even be aware that he did anything. That is OK. My W does that. I thank her for little things and she can't even remember she did it (I think that's true love, by the way) OR he may thank you for thanking him. Either way - DON'T do it until you guys are in that "good zone" again.
Keep it up!!!
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
I feel like I am going to explode. Since H and I still live together it is so hard to detach or just relax. The weekends are especially hard. To make things worse, it is going to rain all weekend. I want to suggest that we do something together instead of watching TV all weekend. Is this a bad idea?
me:51 H: 48 No kids together M:14 years seperated:Ask him to GET OUT 3/21/11 Piecing 09/14
I understand how you feel. I have been through all of that....all I can tell you is resist the urge. Whenever something comes fom us LBS, it is seen as pressure.
Find something you can enjoy on your own....see if your H will join you in it. Otherwise, let him suggest something and if you feel like it, enjoy!
Can't believe thats coming from me....I was one of the most resistant here! But I am seeing the light too.
Remember the when you pull, he will push. So try it out this weekend. See where it will get you!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
To make things worse, it is going to rain all weekend.
If your feelings depend on the weather you may be in for many cloudy days.
What are some good things about the rain?
More to the point, what makes you feel better, what brings you more joy and happiness, what truly gives you greater satisfaction - focusing on the good things in your life? Or focusing on the bad?
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Hi Verysad, My WAS is in the same house as well still. You need to go do something on your own. Make a plan with friends or take a trip somewhere. Your H needs to start understanding what life without you will be like. For that to happen, you need to be away. Go visit family. Go to the movies. Go out with friends. Just anything to get out!!!
It will feel very strange. But it is the best thing.
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
Friday night was good. We went out with friends for a few hours and a few times I noticed that he was standing VERY close to me.
Then yesterday, I didn't know what he wanted on his hamburger (gasp) and he went crazy. "How the hell can you not know after 8 years...blah blah blah...that why we are not going to married anymore...blah blah."
Later we went to dinner and he was nice and we were laughing together UNTIL he asked if it was really warm in the restaurant. I said yes it was uncomfortable and he has to mumble under his breath that I am NEVER comfortable. Either I am too hot or too cold. He stopped and got us some ice cream afterward.
He seems just peachy living as roommates(with no benefits)I am not sure of the status with OW. She lives 4 states over.
How do people handle this "push/pull" "back off/attract" dance. I have done MUCH better taking a few seconds before I say anything. If he is cold I am (acting) as cheerful as can be. That usually warms him up.
Why bring up the "we are not going to married anymore"?
me:51 H: 48 No kids together M:14 years seperated:Ask him to GET OUT 3/21/11 Piecing 09/14
Honestly, the push and pull is soooo tiring. So is the walking on eggs.
Sometimes I just get mad and tell my H to stop making comments that irritate me. Then I start pulling away. It does get him in line, I notice. But I don't know if that would work for you.... you know your H well.
Or else you can agree with him - cheerfully! something like - Yes, you know me well! But take mental notes...
He's miserable inside, you know, and that is why he gets irritable.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
You go about your life as if he dowsn't live there.
make plans, go out and enjoy yourself.
Join a gym, find or rediscover a hobby.
It's a wonderful world out there, your possibilities are endless. gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
