Seminole, I too have not detached as completely as I need to. I have been talking myself down from the anxiety I feel. It is getting easier. Posting in threads here like this helps me too.
I like Truegritters rubber band technique. I heard somewhere it can be used for impulse control also. I am going to try it.
Years ago I used to meditate in the mornings and try to maintain the calm positive state throughout the remainder of the day. I think it is time for me to revise the habit.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I know for certain that the om is still in the picture. So that has me down a little today. I guess I need to just focus on fixing me but I am glad I got the reality check. I know I am the better man and she is going to regret this later. Life [censored]!
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
Hang in there Seminole, We are in a very similar situation, and I think I am also in a similar place you are personally. I am working on detatching, but really still in the 'fake it' mode. I am working on myself, but I also still want to "fix" things. All we can do is move forward and focus on today I guess. By reading other peoples post, it seems to get easier, hopefully it will for us as well.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Country I am faking the detatching thing as well. I hate what our wives are doing to us but a man has to stand up and be a man. We will get through this and we will be better men. I know I will not be able to stop my divorce because she is so dead set on getting one. But I do have faith that maybe someday she will come out of this mess and want to fix this mess.
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
Detaching is more for you than it is your situation in general. Detaching means that you are living your life and not focusing on what your S is doing... not worrying about his/her choices so much.
Look at it this way. The WAS is 'detached' from the LBS when they walk away. The LBS freaks out and attempts to move closer to the WAS... usually in a smothering way. This pushes the WAS even farther away and causes them to be even more detached. The WAS doesn't care what the LBS is doing or thinking. The WAS is doing their own thing. The LBS is smothering the WAS so they are sooo ATTACHED that the pain and suffering from not being able to get the WAS to come back is almost unbearable.
Do relieve ourselves from that pain and suffering, the LBS needs to turn and go the other way. DETACH.
The LBS needs to start doing what the WAS has done... stop caring about what the WAS is doing or thinking. The LBS needs to detach from the situation and do their own thing.
This is an emotional thing and it is very, very difficult.
Personally, I believe that there are levels of detachment. I think that I'm going to get slammed by some vets for saying that, but this is how I felt about it in my situation.
Complete detachment = We no longer care what the WAS is doing or thinking... nor do we care any longer what happens to the M. This is what eventually happens to both people in most Rs that don't work out. You had a h.s. girlfriend that you thought you were in love with... well 2, 5, 20 years later, you don't think that at all. You are completely detached from that.
Partial detachment - You still care about the M or R, still care about your S. You still want the M or R to work out, but you have accepted that you cannot control the WAS's behavior and/or choices. So, you begin to go about your daily life not worrying about that behavior or those choices. Partial detachment is somewhere on the spectrum between ATTACHMENT and COMPLETE DETACHMENT.
The farther you are towards complete detachment the less pain and suffering you will feel when your WAS does something that isn't in line with what YOU want.
Make sense?
If you're just giving the appearance of being detached, then you are missing the point of it.
Another purpose of being detached is that it may cause the WAS to draw closer to the LBS rather than move farther away. The opposite of what happens when we ATTACH at the beginning of the situation.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver everything you say makes sense. Now if I can get my mind to work with me I will be in a better place. I know this is going to be hard but I need to stay focused. So my new goal is to completely detatch. I may need a kick in the rear but I shall succeed.
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
I like what you said Denver, but I can't help but feel that anything other than complete detachment is just acting or "faking" it. I"m not sure if many of us would be on this site if we were doing anything but faking it. GALing is so important for your mental state I agree, but I know that no matter what I am doing, my W is always in the back of my mind. Are we all just working on our acting skills?
Denver everything you say makes sense. Now if I can get my mind to work with me I will be in a better place.
That is the trick my friend. Not easy.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Don't beat yourself up when you backslide. It happens to everyone. It may take months to full detach. Build your self esteem and confidence. These will help you to get there faster.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
