You're so sweet. I'm me, not remarkable, just a mom.
I need to vent.
Yesterday, I was in a funky mood for some reason. I spent most of the day getting chores done around the house. I have noticed that I start getting tense when the kids first get home from school bc H will be home shortly thereafter.
I was glad that I caught it, then I could focus on chilling out. By the time he got home, I was in a pretty good place.
Then he started in.
It was one complaint after another. From the guy in the lunch line to the f'ing idiots driving home. I just kept saying, I'm sorry you had to deal with this, that or the other.
What I wanted to do was say out loud-"blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!"
I didn't and I managed to tease him about some other things and he finally started laughing a little. We had nothing going on with baseball practice for my son, or volunteer commitments for me so I started dinner early.
The girls had one of their guy friends over and he stayed for dinner too. We all sat down at the table. It was really nice. We laughed and joked. I rinsed the plates, started the dishwasher and we headed back to our room.
H is planning a trip to watch Spring Training with our S12. When H first mentioned going for Spring Break, I knew I couldn't go and suggested he take our son. I think he was shocked that I was cool with them going, but I really don't mind. I wish I could go, bc I love baseball too, but I have a huge volunteer commitment that week.
Last night he was looking at tickets and trying to decide which games they were going to catch. He made a list and they'll go to one game a day from the 15th thru the 18th. He handed me the list and said, "Buy these tickets, for these dates."
Sure, no problem.
I get on MLB and they have nothing.
Ticketmaster, nothing.
"Hey, H, where did you find these tickets?"
"Oh, on StubHub."
OK, so I go there and find all these tickets. He wants me to use my paypal account but the way the website is configured I'll have to use my primary account which is my checking account and I want to put them on a credit card for protection.
He's sitting next to me and says, "Maybe you should have created a paypal account for me, with MY own email and MY credit card info."
I couldn't hold my tongue for one more second.
"Well, H, maybe YOU should have done that yourself when you found the tickets the first time."
"Yeah, maybe I should have."
I kept my mouth shut, but I was hurting. This is getting silly.
We get in bed. We're facing each other talking and he says, "Well, the london broil was a bit rare, but the potatoes and green beans were perfection."
"I knew you'd find something negative to say." Could NOT stop the words from falling out of my mouth. Yes, I know, not good DB'ing.
He goes to kiss me and I just burst into tears like a big, dumb baby. I didn't have to say anything. He knows.
He said, "I'm just lost right now. It's not you. I'm in a funk. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."
I forced myself to stop crying and one thing led to another.
This is hard and I'm not sure that I am any good at this. It feels fake. I feel like I am acting fake. I don't want to pretend that I am in a good mood, when I'm not. I feel like I did before I got help all those years ago. Like there is this bright smile on my face that doesn't quite reach my eyes. For me, this is like stepping backwards. Pretending like everything is ok, when it's not.
I know I must be missing something. What? Tell me.
