Here's a letter to Michele from a LD spouse who made some changes to help turn their relationship around. Although this was written by the LD spouse, we can touch on some points for the HD spouse to consider at the end, and discuss it a bit.
Here's the letter....
Quote: Just had to share my success story.
Last year my husband of 21 years, confronted me with his unhappiness with our sex life. I was defensive at first, telling him that I could not help the fact that I my desire was not equal to his, and that this was something he would just have to live with. Thankfully, before any further harm was done I realised how much I really loved him and that I had better find out quickly how to remedy our problem. I found your website and was determined to work hard and put your principles in practice. It was hard at first, but I wanted us to have the best marriage possible.
First I had to completely change my way of thinking about our marriage. Then I had to change my behavior. This was hard work. But I feel it would not be as rewarding as it has been if I had not had to work hard for it. It has been over a year now and a wonderful pattern to our life has emerged. I tried many different things but in the end I will tell you what really worked.
I determined that I would enthusiastically initiate sex every other night. That way my husband would never again have to worry about whether or not he was having sex. He could be content in knowing that he just had wonderful sex, or he would be having wonderful sex tomorrow. Now he could really relax and enjoy life. I also determined in my mind that I would never refuse to have sex with him. If he desired to initiate sex on the "off" night I would gladly have sex with him. I never sat down and told him these things. I just started to do it.
Looking back at our marriage I realised that although my husband loved having sex, he did not like to initiate sex, I believe because of fear of rejection. Our frequency was not that great because he would be somewhat reluctant to initiate and I could take it or leave it, so I hardly ever initiated either.
But that has all changed completely. We are having sex regularly, about four times a week. I can tell he is very happy, and we are having a great time making love. It has hard work, learning how to initiate sex, when sometimes I was not really "in the mood". But I realised that "being in the mood" is a big lie. The truth is I love my husband and I have the power to triumph (or trump) my mood.I have determined to always be in the mood to love him.
A wonderful side effect of all this hard work is the enjoyment and pleasure I feel when we are making love. First I learned how to please my husband and now it has become very pleasurable for me. He sees how much I want to please him, he pleases me in return. The change is remarkable and I am thankful that we are both able to love each other the way God intended it to be.
Ain't this a great letter?! Don't you wish that this is something that your partner could do, and write about?!
I was defensive at first, telling him that I could not help the fact that I my desire was not equal to his, and that this was something he would just have to live with.
How are you approaching your partner that might make them automatically be defensive? What could you do and say different that might help the two of you talk about this better? What ways have worked in the past for talking about "sensitive subjects", that might be able to work for you concerning this one?
Our frequency was not that great because he would be somewhat reluctant to initiate and I could take it or leave it, so I hardly ever initiated either.
Is this a problem in your relationship? Who usually gets things going, or are you both waiting for the other to start?
First I learned how to please my husband and now it has become very pleasurable for me. He sees how much I want to please him, he pleases me in return.
Are you missing out on any ways to please your partner, so that they might want to please you in return? Even in a "non-sexual" way, that might lead to other things?
What other comments or thoughts do you have about this? Especially if you are a HD, and have learned something about a LD point of view?
JJ
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