Hello.....Thought I Would Update!

[HeartsBlessing]

Renee,

Please do me a favor; break your post down into paragraphs when you post next time; it makes things easier to read.

Please don't get angry with me; as I'm about to shoot it straight; as I see it...there's food for thought in my post.

I will help you as best I can to talk it all out with you; and you're right, I cannot "fix" you; but I can point out areas to help you...the rest, as it would stand, would be up to you.

I've seen a similar childhood; my mother was mentally broken; and both her and my dad were physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive toward me my sister and my brother...in me, at that time, it resulted in a perfectionist; at least, until, I took the journey to wholeness and healing.

That's the short form on me; you're right, I'm not a professional; I only have insight,perception, and intuition given of God to guide me.

OK here goes:


I read through your post twice; you've suffered mental, some physical and emotional abuse throughout your childhood.

You also have abandonment issues that you've never gotten past.

Your mother was abusive in a great number of ways; and she had problems; serious mental problems and some very deep issues; as did your dad....your dad tried to solve it all by running away from everything when he could have helped, protected and supported you.

You feel both parents let you down; and they DID let you down.

They weren't half the parents they should have been; and that is NOT your fault..that lies on them.

You thought if you could be smart in your school work; making good grades, and be as perfect as you could be; you would earn their love; when this didn't happen; it set you up for further disillusionment...and this feeling of never having gotten your parent's total approval and their love; has never left you.

What your parents did; had nothing to do with you; and everything to do with them; if not you; then another daughter; so don't think it was YOU; it WASN'T.

You carried this baggage into your adult life; and you've never healed from the damage, but then, you've never REALLY faced it.

To do so, in your mind; it would destroy you; uncovering your imperfections; but guess what? I'm not perfect either; and neither is anyone else.

When someone shows you attention; you grab onto them for dear life; and smother them to the point they want to get away from you. This is due to abandonment issues within you.

You don't realize this because it is within your very nature to hold on; instead of letting go..and this aspect did also, come from your childhood.

You feel ANY relationship; emotionally hurtful or not, is better than no relationship at all.

You fear being alone; because you have a hard time dealing with it; to be truly ALONE is to have to deal with oneself; and that's hard to do...so you crave a relationship that takes your mind off YOU.

You need to understand that you have GREAT value; and another person cannot give you your self worth; self confidence and self esteem; you must find these things on your own; and develop them within YOU.

You've been left behind SO many times in your life that you feel it is what you deserve; that is NOT true; you must learn to see this within yourself.

Your self confidence is lacking; and like some people, you think that it takes another to fill the "void" within.

You can't seem to understand at this time that you can be whole within yourself.

But to be truly whole; you must face the demons from your past; and heal from the damage within; and that requires self realization and change..the very things you fear most; loneliness takes a second seat.

Yet, you ALSO fear that no one can and will love you as you are..you're afraid that if you give your heart away; you will be hurt. So, you've never really given your heart to anyone..you think you have; but you've always held back because you feel the relationship is at an end before it gets started..so you've never truly invested your heart...you've always guarded it closely; choosing a partner who also could not give you of himself; nor could he give you his heart or truly invest it in you.

Neither of you felt safe with the other; and this was because of the baggage between the two of you...we seem to be drawn to what is familiar; and this familiarity also comes from childhood.

Emotional patterns can be and are repeated from childhood; it is only when the journey is taken that we learn a better way to deal with people...our interactions don't just include our spouse and children, but other people, too.

Apparently; you've not looked deep within yourself; and seen honestly and clearly what you need to do for yourself. This is the journey I keep speaking of...where change and growth comes to pass. But only IF you're willing to take the road; and walk it all the WHOLE way...shedding your past; coming to terms with it; eventually putting it where it should be; behind in the past.

It also involves forgiving the people who hurt you; and most importantly and ultimately, forgiving yourself.

It's a scary thing to face one's self; and know that change must come; but not know HOW to bring it about...this is where research comes in; and you learn as you read various self help books, read the board; talk to people; and listen to their points of view.

People can help you put a brighter light on your pain; and they can help you face it; acting as a sounding board.

But you gotta learn to listen, really listen; and within that listening; you learn truths about yourself you didn't know before.

Depending upon the strength of your intuition; turn to the Lord for help; He knows us better than we know ourselves..and He is another source of counseling; if we learn to simply listen.

You've never gone through the transition/change; because when you feel unsettled; you fight it tooth and nail; putting it on a back burner; forcing it back; and people can do that for as long as they need to; IF they are aware of it.

On the other hand; you need to get to the understanding that you are NEVER being punished for anything when you face a hard time in your life.

Each trial you face is for your growth; understanding; and ultimately, change within yourself. There is something to learn out of everything you face on the outside; because, if you allow it to, it will will change you on the inside; bringing about another aspect of change within.

God doesn't cause things to happen; He ALLOWS things to happen.

These things get our attention in a hurry, so we will go through a learning process.

Through our trials; we learn to trust in Him for whatever outcome will come...knowing He cares for us; and He will help us.

In order to get help, you must first learn to ACCEPT the help.

You can talk a problem to death; but if you don't accept a solution; it continues to be a problem.

Food for thought.