HELP - need your opinion: problem or not?

[zengypsy]

Dear Still Learning,
I'm a woman and my alarm bells started to go off with what you described. This guy is a predator IMHO.

I totally agree with Scylla. I wonder if he did the same thing to certain women in his last office. Just a line you shouldn't cross IMHO married or not. EWWW!

[Still learning]

Hi Zengypsy.

I guess it's EWWWWW if W isn't attracted to him but HMMMMMM if she is.

I think boss and W would say they just have different opinions about what is friendly vs. what is inappropriate. (of course they would!) If he has W going along and happy about this, then they can hide under the "just friends and coworkers" label for awhile.

Would you believe the story gets more complicated? Boss' W starting working here PT this month. Gosh, I wish I knew what SHE thinks about all this.

[Truegritter]

Look, I know I brought this on by being weak and whiny.

Okay you looked in the mirror and you are honest with yourself.

Why were you this way?

And don't give the answer that your W piled all this on you.

You are only a victim once then you become a volunteer.

Truegritter why are you asking me these questions when my M is in trouble and I need to save it now?

Because my friend your W began detaching from your M in 2005 when she told you she did not respect you.

And THAT will be her justification for any of her transgressions.

Doesn't make it right but it is most likely the truth.

In any event whether she is or isn't in a R with her boss.

What are you going to do?

What do you control?

What is a 180 for you? And how are you going to achieve it?

Look I know you're hurting right now and more of the truth that you have to face the harder it is.

You just got kicked in the jimmy pretty hard and there is likely more to come.

If you want. Answer my questions.

Including the one from my last post

Your goal? To save your M. So what can YOU do right now to do that?

All is not lost Still. But you have to take action.

[Still learning]

Oh, I've learned a lot in the past years, including the answers to these questions. I'll put it out here, though it ain't easy to write down. Remember, you asked!

Why was I weak and whiny?

As a young boy I was small and sensitive, and I sought to please people. Perhaps it was a personality, maybe something more. But I was bullied constantly - virtually every single day from about the age of 7 to, I don't know, maybe 14. I was taught that I wasn't good enough and that other people could take what they wanted from me. My first serious girlfriend told me on our prom night that she was sleeping with my best friend. I married my next serious GF (that'd be my W). Not much experience with relationships in between. Now don't get me wrong - and forgive me if this sounds like I'm bragging but I need to prove I'm not a total loss here - I was pretty popular when my day came and I'm actually very successful at my job, and a good dad. But my W grew up in a highly chaotic home and is much more used to conflict than I. Although I learned to handle myself and am not afraid of anyone physcially and my job can be dangerous (which I like) I literally shut down when confronted by W. I always give in. Often I even end up apologizing, for what? I don't know - breathing maybe. So, look I'm being honest here. I have struggled my whole life to overcome the feelings of low self worth brough on by years of bullying. God, I wish someone would have been there to help me, as a little kid trying to stand up to groups of much older kids.

When I meet my wife I was in college and doing really, really well. Getting out of my hometown was wonderful!! I was on top of everything - classes, martial arts training, SCUBA diving, travel - and had tons of friends and I was fun. And ok, why hold back now - W was my "first", adn that I think gives her some power, even to this day. The stress of life has worn me down, to reveal the other stuff. I never said NO, even to things I thought I couldn't handle, for fear of rejection. And when W told me she had no respect for me - I never recovered from that. It is, I think, the single worse thing any W could say to her H. But, hey, it was true wasn't it? She didn't respect me because I didn't respect myself.

What do I want - I want my self-worth back! I want to be the man I was. I want out from under this cloud of depression. If I managed that the M would take care of itself. or it wouldn't. As much as I love my wife and my family, I'm no good to them like this.

What can I do right now? I don't know.

TGer, I hope this wasn't too much to lay on you. I appreciate you asking. Heck, your post might be the best, most helpful I've read....Thanks.

[Truegritter]

W was my "first", adn that I think gives her some power, even to this day.

She doesn't have anything you didn't give her. So how do you take back your power? Actually not really take it back.

How do you stop giving it to her?

She didn't respect me because I didn't respect myself.

Bingo.

I was on top of everything - classes, martial arts training, SCUBA diving, travel - and had tons of friends and I was fun.

And now?

What can I do right now? I don't know.

You do know though you might not see it because you are hurting and attached to your W and her judgment of you.

There are 100 excuses you can use for NOT doing what you know you can and must do.

Most of them have to do with being a victim of someone elses choices or behavior.

So Still. Are you going to live up to your name and remain still.?

Or

Choose to call yourself by another name.

One that defines who you are and the kind of man you strive to be.

This is ALL YOU.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Oh, I've learned a lot in the past years, including the answers to these questions. I'll put it out here, though it ain't easy to write down. Remember, you asked!

Why was I weak and whiny?

As a young boy I was small and sensitive, and I sought to please people. Perhaps it was a personality, maybe something more. But I was bullied constantly - virtually every single day from about the age of 7 to, I don't know, maybe 14. I was taught that I wasn't good enough and that other people could take what they wanted from me. My first serious girlfriend told me on our prom night that she was sleeping with my best friend. I married my next serious GF (that'd be my W). Not much experience with relationships in between. Now don't get me wrong - and forgive me if this sounds like I'm bragging but I need to prove I'm not a total loss here - I was pretty popular when my day came and I'm actually very successful at my job, and a good dad. But my W grew up in a highly chaotic home and is much more used to conflict than I. Although I learned to handle myself and am not afraid of anyone physcially and my job can be dangerous (which I like) I literally shut down when confronted by W. I always give in. Often I even end up apologizing, for what? I don't know - breathing maybe. So, look I'm being honest here. I have struggled my whole life to overcome the feelings of low self worth brough on by years of bullying. God, I wish someone would have been there to help me, as a little kid trying to stand up to groups of much older kids.

Holy smoke Still Learning...are you my H? Your growing up and response to your W sounds like my H.

When I meet my wife I was in college and doing really, really well. Getting out of my hometown was wonderful!! I was on top of everything - classes, martial arts training, SCUBA diving, travel - and had tons of friends and I was fun. And ok, why hold back now - W was my "first", adn that I think gives her some power, even to this day. The stress of life has worn me down, to reveal the other stuff. I never said NO, even to things I thought I couldn't handle, for fear of rejection. And when W told me she had no respect for me - I never recovered from that. It is, I think, the single worse thing any W could say to her H. But, hey, it was true wasn't it? She didn't respect me because I didn't respect myself.

I never said I didn't respect my H. However, he feels that I do not, so perhaps my actions did.

What do I want - I want my self-worth back! I want to be the man I was. I want out from under this cloud of depression. If I managed that the M would take care of itself. or it wouldn't. As much as I love my wife and my family, I'm no good to them like this.

May I make a suggestion here? Check out the book "This is your Brain on Joy" by Dr. Brian Henslin. For a quick overview use your search engine on these terms - Anxious Lover, Becky's Joy Bistro. Then check out the work of Dr. Daniel Amen.

Now, although I use the recommendations above for myself Still, and I am sorta like your wife, I have no doubt that this will benefit YOU also.
I am not an anxious lover, I'm something else! LOL.
Which I can't remember at the moment as I don't have the book right at hand. Your wife likely is as well.
Use it for you though, get your brain healthy and the rest of you will follow.

What can I do right now? I don't know.

I'll be back later, I have an appointment I need to go to.

TGer, I hope this wasn't too much to lay on you. I appreciate you asking. Heck, your post might be the best, most helpful I've read....Thanks.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Crumb I did it again. In too much of a hurry....

Now, although I use the recommendations above for myself Still, and I am sorta like your wife, I have no doubt that this will benefit YOU also.
I am not an anxious lover, I'm something else! LOL.
Which I can't remember at the moment as I don't have the book right at hand. Your wife likely is as well.
Use it for you though, get your brain healthy and the rest of you will follow.


I'll be back later, I have an appointment I need to go to.

[Still learning]

TGer,

3 kids for me meant a constant "crisis mode" - especially since oldest son has some special emotional challenges. I gave it all up, cut back on my work so much I didn't get any personal satisfaction out of it. Gave up real friendships - who had time? Full disclosure: she did this also. But I blamed her for putting me in this situation (more on other threads).

Obviously, this ain't workin'.

How do I get some power back? hmmmm, this isn't going to be easy. but it's all in the DBing book, right? detaching and such. One thing I've learned, (s)he who cares least has all the power.

As for the rest I suppose it's time to man up, go climb a mountain, drink a beer, and rub some dirt on it.

[Truegritter]

As for the rest I suppose it's time to man up, go climb a mountain, drink a beer, and rub some dirt on it.

How about a little more specific goals than this.

Yes it is in the DB book:

180's
GAL (Get a Life)
Detach
Do what works.

So what can you do now?

[Still learning]

The plan.

*) do something ANYTHING different immediately to catch W off guard. what is this - I don't know. Maybe take boys to parents tonight and have a nice dinner, come home tomorrow.

1) Relax. Give up the need to feel like I have control over the situation. Let little setbacks and whatever W says bounce off. don't take the bait.

2) Do not hang around W, or hover nearby in house. Walk around with something to do - a book to read, a movie to watch, etc. Say little but be positive when we talk. Or find somewhere else to be.

3) Do not get moody or pissy. Forgive W for her part. Forgive myself for mine. Stay optimistic and confident. Help others - don't focus so much on myself.

4) Encourage W to do what it takes to get herself together. Take boys to give her space and time. Hey, if this EA/PA is going to happen me hovering around isn't going to stop it.

5) Exercise. Not like usual. Find a goal. Maybe a half-marathon - there's one in May nearby. Something that requires committment and will feel like an accomplishment.

5) Hang out with positive people. but do not share this with them - I want these people to be potential friends of W later on.

6) Stay busy. Very busy. Insanely busy.

7) Help oldest son with his challenges in middleschool - he is facing some of the same things I did. Make sure he doesn't have to overcome what I do down the road.

8) read, read, read some of these recommended books. listen to ipod, play with dog.

9) watch Raiders and the Dirty Dozen - my chill out and relax movies.