I wish there was an answer to your question. It would be easier, wouldn't it? But every woman is different.
I can tell you what I feel. That's the best I can do. When I jumped back, I did so unconsciously. That's important to know. I didn't even understand what I was doing. It scared me. I thought about it and realized that there was a lot of trust lost in my relationship. I couldn't count on him being there tomorrow, so I definitely had the flight response. It helped protect me and my feelings. For me, sex and touches, well they are very personal. They are loaded with meaning for me. If I had let him touch me, well I am letting him into my deeper being. And I couldn't let that happen while he was exacting such destruction to my feelings.
I joke about looking forward to sex with my H and in a way, I do. But mostly right now I'm scared to death. I know that if we reconcile, he will want it sooner than I will. I cannot have sex with my H if I don't feel secure with the knowledge that he isn't going to up and leave me in the very next second. And building that trust takes time and a lot of reinforcing behaviors that he is willing to be with me.
This whole scenario wreaks havoc on a relationship, I know. The man needs sex for connection also. Many of them need sex before they can rebuild the trust. But you are astute enough to understand your needs and her needs and which need to come first right now.
I hope that helps. I wish I knew your wife so perhaps I could offer better insight.
