why are you pushing her so hard? she asked to only speak about this stuff in therapy but you keep forcing her to deal with it outside of those boundaries
she knows you have the emails you know she thinks you have more
why would you try giving them to her before an interview when she is probably nervous and when you already know she is in a bad mood?
then you text her several more times?
Sparks...you need to back off and stop being needy it is unattractive and cloying
you need to let her breathe for real
Thanks for the reality check, Figg. I don't want to seem needy. I guess I am a problem solver by nature (from what I have read, most men are). The emails created a wedge as the therapist said. I only wanted to get rid of them as soon as possible. Maybe the timing was to show my wife that I was not complicating saving them. Maybe it was to show her that I would do anything to prevent them from putting up a wall between us. I don't know.
We both agreed with our therapist that we only talk relationship inside therapy. We have both broken this rule on a few occasions, so please don't think I am the only one pushing those boundaries.
I am trying to get my stuff together. I know you are here to help, but please understand that I am taking the advice if this board and doing my best. Sometimes I do the right thing, and it works out great for us. Sometimes I slip, and it does not put me in the best light. I was told to expect slip up in DR. I just need to learn to lessen the frequency of them.
I do appreciate your words, though. Figg, you are a great influence on my through this struggle. Hearing the ideas and suggestions from the other side of the spectrum has been so beneficial. Thank you.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
What happens if you give up the emails then you split and your wife ends up with sole custody with you only having visitations?
That is why I had them in the first place. Just for protection of the worst case scenario. Against the wishes of my parents and older sister who is a lawyer, I decided that the wedge in our possible reconciliation was worth more.
We have discussed that we want 50/50 custody if this were to go down that road. All through mediation. No divorce lawyers. Mediation for the divorce as well. I keep the house I bought before marriage. She takes her antique furniture and various other gifts from her parents. As civil as possible.
I have also been told many stories where it started out just like that and quickly turned very ugly. This was my fear and why I kept the emails.
From my wife's side, she has been told that in our conservative county, with our conservative judge, it would be very easy for me to gain sole custody of our son just based on those emails and a same sex affair. Her therapist and our couples therapist both gave recent divorce results to back this. Apparently, my county is infamous for going after same sex affair spouses.
In the end, I am trusting that things will stay civil. The walls of trust need to be built right now, and those emails are only in the way. My therapist even mentioned that we maybe notarize a letter speaking of 50/50 custody in the end and also admittance of the affair just in case. I told my wife that we could agree to that in time, but I only wanted to get rid of them.
My parents think I am an idiot for letting her turn this card on me. I think with my heart, and that this is the best thing to do for us. If I get burned down the road, who knows.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
sparks you need to implement the 24 hour rule (or the 48 hour rule)
you never make any big decisions without waiting at least 24-48 hours
and why are you still discussing the emails with your family
some of your married business needs to stay your married business
Good rule, Figg. I think the 24 hour rule will do me well. I guess I just wanted to show her that I didn't need 24 hours to make this "decision" to give up the emails.
Also, I did not discuss the emails with my family between the time that I had couples therapy and the time I gave them to my wife. I didn't want their influence, as this was my business as you say. I did tell them later that night just so they were aware. Some of my family members were and are big proponents of protecting my a$$. I wanted to make sure they knew that the emails were not a factor any longer.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Spent some time with the W today. I had our S last night (slept all night... Hallelujah!!!). She came at 8:00 and brought breakfast for us again. I made the coffee. She had a meeting at the school she will begin teaching at around 10:00, so she decided to get ready at our house. Watched our son for a few hours until she brought lunch home for us. I went back to work, and then took the afternoon off to see the day care we will be putting our son in. She has been having very rough conversations with her parents concerning all of this, as they pretty much have fought her on everything. They also have a big influence in her life.
W was very emotional during this. I can understand. Our plan was for her to be at home with our S the entire time. Even if we were struggling financially on my sole income, we would make it work. Boy, times have changed. Once we got back to the house, she was nearly in tears. Before she got into her car, I grabbed her and just held on. I haven't felt that kind of grip in a long time. You could tell she was really hurting. I gave her a kiss on the head and told her that I am here is she needs anything.
She knew that I was going to have a night with a couple buddies tonight (one of the guys is nearly a brother to her but only knows vague details of anything, not even an affair). Had a great time. Drank a few beers. Ate some good tacos. Played a few video games. Watched some basketball. GAL!
I am taking a piece out of bolt's handbook and detaching again. I would normally send her a goodnight text. She typically responds every time. Not going to send it tonight. She knows that I am having a good time. Tonight I will let her think about it. GAL and detach.
Thanks ya'll for the support.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Did not give in and text last night. W probably thinks I had too much fun with the guys last night and just forgot to text. I guess I will let her think that I had a great time without her and getting along with my life.
I am going to continue to detach and not send text messages all day.
My wife asked me after our couples therapy session if I wanted to have dinner with her and our S out tonight. We had a great time last week with a stress free, relationship discussion free, drama free dinner. I wouldn't mind these to continue on a week to week basis. I wouldn't call them "date nights", but at least they are quality nights spent together right now.
As I was typing this, my W called for a few logistical matters but also to mention if we are still on for dinner tonight. I told her that we were, and I would take care of the preparations and pick them up at 5:45.
Okay. Now no more text messages or call coming from me for the rest of the day.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
you are dangerously close to being a best girlfriend here Sparks... decide what you want to be
if you are OK being her best girlfriend then don't be shocked when she starts to call you and ask you what you think she should wear that would be sexy for whomever
Thanks Figg. It is really difficult to not be there for her when I see her in pain. That is a natural response of mine when it comes to her. I am a lover, and I console. Right now, I need not to be a lover. She is not loving me. I am having a hard time with the console bit. I have told her that I will always be there for her. Maybe I shouldn't have.
Her parents are giving her a much harder time than I am concerning the situation from what I understand. Instead of consoling her, I should probably just let her get through that herself. That is just very difficult to do for me.
I can detach and try not to be so needy. I understand the logic of pushing and pulling. I still want to be friendly with her. When she wants to have dinner out, I should do that but keep it fun and casual.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Well, as I was writing that last message, my wife called back. It looks like her parents are coming back in town tomorrow morning. She asked if I could take our S as scheduled but reschedule dinner until Sunday. She said that she had some paperwork and stuff to get done before they got here.
Not sure what the purpose of her parents visit is. Her mother is very controlling. I only know a few facts about her parents right now, since wife won't let me talk to them.
1. I know is that her parents know everything and are extremely upset about everything. 2. They are trying to "fix" my wife. 3. My wife has told me that when they came down last time, it was 24 hours of just grilling her (so she says). 4. They don't want her to take the teaching job and daycare (due to pay). 5. They don't want her to move into her own apartment (wife said that dad wanted me to know that he would help her pay for it but did not condone it). 6. She has said they fear what my family would try and do as far as D and custody. My wife will not let me talk to them to resolve these fears, but she says that she has told them everything that I have told her.
I guess I just have a fear of the unknown right now. I hate the lack of communication. In the end, this is between my wife and her parents.
Detach!!!!!! Why is that so hard to do?
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
