Oh, I've learned a lot in the past years, including the answers to these questions. I'll put it out here, though it ain't easy to write down. Remember, you asked!
Why was I weak and whiny?
As a young boy I was small and sensitive, and I sought to please people. Perhaps it was a personality, maybe something more. But I was bullied constantly - virtually every single day from about the age of 7 to, I don't know, maybe 14. I was taught that I wasn't good enough and that other people could take what they wanted from me. My first serious girlfriend told me on our prom night that she was sleeping with my best friend. I married my next serious GF (that'd be my W). Not much experience with relationships in between. Now don't get me wrong - and forgive me if this sounds like I'm bragging but I need to prove I'm not a total loss here - I was pretty popular when my day came and I'm actually very successful at my job, and a good dad. But my W grew up in a highly chaotic home and is much more used to conflict than I. Although I learned to handle myself and am not afraid of anyone physcially and my job can be dangerous (which I like) I literally shut down when confronted by W. I always give in. Often I even end up apologizing, for what? I don't know - breathing maybe. So, look I'm being honest here. I have struggled my whole life to overcome the feelings of low self worth brough on by years of bullying. God, I wish someone would have been there to help me, as a little kid trying to stand up to groups of much older kids.
When I meet my wife I was in college and doing really, really well. Getting out of my hometown was wonderful!! I was on top of everything - classes, martial arts training, SCUBA diving, travel - and had tons of friends and I was fun. And ok, why hold back now - W was my "first", adn that I think gives her some power, even to this day. The stress of life has worn me down, to reveal the other stuff. I never said NO, even to things I thought I couldn't handle, for fear of rejection. And when W told me she had no respect for me - I never recovered from that. It is, I think, the single worse thing any W could say to her H. But, hey, it was true wasn't it? She didn't respect me because I didn't respect myself.
What do I want - I want my self-worth back! I want to be the man I was. I want out from under this cloud of depression. If I managed that the M would take care of itself. or it wouldn't. As much as I love my wife and my family, I'm no good to them like this.
What can I do right now? I don't know.
TGer, I hope this wasn't too much to lay on you. I appreciate you asking. Heck, your post might be the best, most helpful I've read....Thanks.
