WAW on the Peninsula

[LITB]

This morning has been emotional for me after the W and I went to our appointment with the document company yesterday. Now reality is beginning to set in.

Overall the appointment went well. We agree on everything with the exception of custody. She wants to take the kids with her to NM in the middle of July. If that’s what ends up happening, then I will only get to see them 25% of the time if I stay up here. If I move to NM, then I will get them 50% time. I don’t want to move to NM. Right now, I am waiting for a return call from the L to see if I can go the uncontested route and at the last minute contest custody. I hope it can be done, so I can buy more time.

The W’s current plan is to move to NM at the end of March to find employment and get herself a place to live. That will give me the kids for at least 4 months after she leaves. Hopefully her time away will give her a reality check on what life is going to be after leaving our M. My ultimate hope is that she will come out of the fog before she moves.

Last night on the drive back we were able to talk. It immediately got heated when she asked me why it feels like I don’t agree with her on the custody when we already made that decision.

M: “I don’t agree because I feel like I’m getting the short end of the stick!!”
W: “Then you should have taken care of me!!”
M: “Those are my feelings. You can’t take away my feelings!!”
W: “I can never ask you anything, because you always get defensive!!”
M: “These are my kids too, you act like I don’t have feelings!!”
W: “You always get defensive and feel like I’m attacking you when I ask you something. That’s why I hate asking you anything.”
M: “I understand, you are right. I apologize.”

At this point I just started listening and validating, but I needed to let my feelings about custody be known to her. There are a couple of reasons I am going along with her on this decision. One is the buy me time to save our M and the other is because she felt that I made decisions without her input. Hopefully it pays dividends in the end.

By the time we got home, everything was calm and our talk covered many other aspects of what has gone on since the bomb. We sat in the driveway for about another 20 minutes.

We got on the topic about OM she had EA. She was wondering why I asked her about her phone the night before when I never have done this in the past. I told W because of the OM and her not being honest with me when she was in Vegas. W said the EA and her plan with OM was dumb. She don’t know what she was thinking, other than she was just so unhappy that she was looking for anyway out. W says she almost forgets that the EA even happened and that she is ashamed of it.

This whole thing is so confusing at times.

Please ask questions and share advice. I can definitely use some encouragement.

[LITB]

L.I.T.B.,

Why are you paying for the cellphone that she's using to conduct her affair(s)?

I guarantee you, she sees your behavior since the bomb as WEAK, and it's not doing any good for your OWN self-esteem, either.

You need to draw some boundaries, if you're to keep your sanity.

Starsky

That's an interesting take Starsky. The phone payment has already been made for this month and she will be leaving next month, so I will let her know that she should be responsible for her phone. I guess I've been so caught up in DB'ing my tail off that the phone bill didn't even occur to me.

On another note, John170 posed a question about his W wanting him to find another woman. My W mentioned something similar to me a couple of nights ago. She stated that my next girlfriend can thank her for the changes I've made. I didn't know what to say or gather from that remark. Really? What could I say?

I will share what I believe was a positive sign last night. After getting home from our appointment, I needed to grab a quick bite. I was standing near the counter in the kitchen, W walked over, stopped near me like she wanted a hug......I waited for a second and I opened my arms and got a huge hug. Then our D joined us. I believe that was a baby step.

Sorry, I'm all over the place just like my thoughts.

[Starsky309]

On another note, John170 posed a question about his W wanting him to find another woman. My W mentioned something similar to me a couple of nights ago. She stated that my next girlfriend can thank her for the changes I've made. I didn't know what to say or gather from that remark. Really? What could I say?

I would say "I'm really sorry you feel that way. I take my marriage vows seriously, and until we're divorced -- if that's what ends up happening -- I can assure you, I'm NOT interested in another woman."

or simply

"That doesn't fit with my own value system, but thank you for your concern."

As for the hug, try to let HER initiate anything like that. Standing there with your arms open, basically begging for one, isn't very attractive. Ditto for the word "feelings." Imagine your conversation with your wife in the car, recounted above, but instead of saying "those are my feelings! you can't take away my feelings!", you had said

"I hear what you're saying, we did discuss this before, but I've done a lot of thinking, and I've decided that that no longer works for me."

Trying using the "I have decided that _______" phrasing more often; it's leading, and it's strong, and it's attractive.

Starsky

[LITB]

Thank you for the advice and showing me where I can improve Starsky. What you posted sounds so much better than what I said. I will try to incorporate a better approach on our exchanges. Sometimes the W says things that completely catch me by surprise.

[Starsky309]

Thank you for the advice and showing me where I can improve Starsky. What you posted sounds so much better than what I said. I will try to incorporate a better approach on our exchanges. Sometimes the W says things that completely catch me by surprise.

LOL; I understand. That's why "I'm sorry you feel that way" is ALWAYS an appropriate comeback! Or even just "I understand."

Starsky

[LITB]

Today is one of the days I've been dreading. We are going to let our kids know that W will be moving and they will be staying with me until end of July. Then they will be moving with W for the beginning of the next school year.

I'm hoping that W will reconsider before she moves, but I'm not counting on it. I have to GAL and utilize LRT more effectively moving forward. I haven't been taking care of myself the way I should be. Time to take things to another level.

Also, the MIL is supposed to be moving out in 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to that. I don't think it is a coincidence that our M went further south while she has been living with us. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things that I did wrong to get to this stage. I just felt that the MIL was taking advantage and my attitude began to reflect my feelings after awhile. W holds that against me and is unwilling to understand how and why I felt that way. Only that I was being insensitive.

I already see the effects of not having me in the picture. MIL doesn't have me to count on anymore. She's scrambling to get someone to move her. When before she knew she could always rely on me.

Please keep my family in your prayers today. I worry about my kids tremendously and it is painful to even think that I can't protect them the way I should be able to.

[sandycay]

I hope you didn't agree to sending your kids out of state in writing. I would never DB at the expense of my kids. Your wife is not worth that... and she IS going to end up with then in another state if you continue acting this way.

I am not trying to beat you up on this issue but your hurting and willing to sacrifice anything in order to save your marriage ( I get that believe me!!!) But, what if it is not salvagable and you lose your kids 75% of the time. Who is going to afford flying then back and forth and the little one can't fly alone? Add that up a few times a year and see how much that will cost you. Don't forget that until they are at least 13 you have to pay anywhere from $75-$100 one way per child to fly solo (without adult). That will be impossible financially unless you have lots of extra cash. These are REAL things to think about before you agree to any of this.

[LITB]

We haven't put anything down on paper yet. The W has an appointment on Wednesday to get the petition paperwork started. If I stay living here, it will be 75%/25% in her favor for custody and if I move it will be 50%/50%. Obviously I feel that the 75/25 is not acceptable.

You make a valid point about not DB at the expense of my kids. My intent was to try to keep things as peaceful as possible before taking off the gloves. It's overwhelming. I just want to do the right thing.

[sandycay]

The right thing is to be a father to your children as much as possible. They need you more than you need her. It is overwhelming but I see people time again giving in at the expense of their kids because they think it somehow will bring their spouse back to senses.

I really hope between now and the time she leaves you will give her space and GAL starting today. How does she have money to move and sustain herself until she finds employment? Are you funding this as well? Since you are th account holder on the cell phone you can always check the records to see what is going on. But only do it once.....snooping is terrible for the soul. You can still cut the phone off and get a refund for the month. I would not do anything to help aid anything that was destroying my marriage. BOUNDARIES are a good thing. The are respected for people who are willing to place them.

[LITB]

I just left another message with the L to find out if I can still contest the custody after we file uncontested. I hope to have an answer today. You have me thinking to just hire a L to fight for my kids and let the chips fall where they may. My kids do need me more than I need her.

She has borrowed money from one of her relatives to sustain her until she finds employment. As for looking at the phone records again, I am trying not to look anymore. As you mentioned, it is bad for the soul. I looked earlier this week and it just caused me stress and uneasiness.

I have a session with my DB coach-Leni first thing Monday morning. Hopefully between the answers I get from the L and my session with Leni, I can make the an educated decision.