Situation Normal; All Flummoxed Up

[ericmsant2]

Crushed,
I have been a away from the boards for a while now….living my life, dealing with the anger and (my key point)…still learning how to deal with someone who is in a crisis.
That said, the first thing I want to say is this….
Why do you give a f*ck what she thinks about you? Is it true? Did it sting? I bet most of it did not. You know the drill for those pieces (if any) that did sting – look at it.
Remember you are dealing with someone who must justify her actions, must project how SHE feels on YOU. You are still dealing with someone in a crisis that is in pain. You are dealing with someone who at this point (and that my friend is the key part…”this point”) is lost.

I continue to be surprised at the willingness of my W to inflict pain and hurt.

Believe it or not, sometime I am still amazed at what my STBXW will say and do. Over a year and a half in the same house and you would think that she would have gotten rid of the anger. Nope. This may sound harsh, especially when you consider that I am saying this about someone who I spent 18 years with….Crushed, your W is not the same person right now. Learn to ACCEPT that she has choosen to change who she is. You have done the same…have you not? You decided to stand for your M, YOU decided to live your life a certain way. The faster you can wrap your head around the fact that nothing SHE does should change what YOU do…the faster these outburst will not hurt as much. FWIW, I feel for ya man….I’ve been there. It does get better. As much as you can limit your interactions (remember…DETACH for YOU…to protect YOUR emotions).

The weekend started poorly when she began slamming my tools that I'd been keeping in the laundry room.

Do not be afraid of her Crushed. Do not be afraid to stand YOUR ground. Question: How would you deal with a spoiled teenager?

I then asked her to leave and she screamed "you'll never get the house!" and she refused.

Honestly dude…next time call the cops! Harsh? Maybe…but the reality is that your children or you do not need to tolerate this type of behavior.
As for the house, she can scream and b*tch all she wants – IF you want the house – stay in it. Look man, I used to allow the guilt of my past mistakes to haunt me. They drove my choices…in part because I was trying to make amends for some of my mistakes. Nothing YOU do right now Crushed will be enough for her. Nothing. You could have given her the house, allowed OM to sleep in the same bed with you…it would not have matter. She is in pain, and in HER MIND YOU are the cause of all of it. Let GO dude.

The house is underwater. I had been trying to move finances around so that I can take on all household expenses since she has still been paying power and cable.

WOW – I’m in the same boat dude – my MLCer pays the electric and oil. All other expenses are paid by me.

This was met with shreiks of my selfishness. In fact, all the efforts I've made to GAL and extricate myself so she can be more independent have been met the selfishness blast. In fact, I was told I was one of the most selfish people she'd ever met.

Are you sure she is not related to my W? LOL – Seriously dude, of course your going to be selfish in HER mind. I mean, she probably expected you to pay all the bills and help make it nice and easy for her to do what ever she wants to do. Once again, ever deal with a teenager? Ya know, they want and want but do not want to deal or face the consequences of their actions. Same thing dude. As hard as it is, let it roll off your back. Come to accept that in her eye nothing you do will be right. I think the bigger issue for you to look at is….are you still doing things for HER or has Crushed finally said “f*ck it”..I am going to live my life as the MAN THAT I WANT TO BE. When you start doing that….nothing she, I or anyone else says will matter.

I was also surprised to hear that I was "torturing her". And that I should "let her go". Well I wasn't aware of the former and have been attempting the latter for a year. I guess my unwillingness to call it quits and file is a method of torture.

Of course your “torturing her”! You are not giving her want she wants. You are forcing her to own her choices. Can you say teenager? As for filing…..you do what you want to do. If you do not want to file and do not want a divorce – then don’t. The only thing I would say is protect yourself. Do not fall into the trap of….”Nah she wouldn’t do that”….protect yourself and your children.

she still manages to get the hooks in.

You a victim? She gets the hooks in because you let her get them in. You’re a big guy buddy…do not let this chit get to you.

So she moves out but I can't get rid of her sh*t because she said its time for me to move out so she can come back after a year.

Hey…you can always move her chit into the garage so that you do not have to look at it.

I really want to get away from her now because I'm doubting my ability to reconcile even if she wanted to start talking.

Then get away from her. Take the anger that you have an apply it towards figuring out a better way to limit your interactions with her. For example:
1) Restrict her access to the house – she left so YOUR house is no longer hers.
2) YOUR time with the kids should be YOUR time with the kids. Stop trying (if you are) to act like some happy fu*king family that has no issues. Call if what it is…she left, has OM and you are becoming the best man you can be. Period. Stop trying to cover up her mistakes.
As for the reconciliation….I have no idea if you can or will. What I can say is that you are still too emotionally attached right now to make that choice (at least IMO). You never know what will happen in the future. What I do KNOW is this……YOU DECIDE CRUSHED – YOU and ONLY YOU.

Like MHL, my W rarely admitted fault and demanded unqualified apologies from me. It's apparent she will likely not take any responsibility for her part in the failure of our M.

Add like ericmsant2 wife too…..look man, my W has been f*cking her boss for over a year now. To this day she will not admit it. To this day she has not taken ownership for any mistakes on her part in the M. My point in this comment is to remind you that many of these MLCer’s are like this. My other point (and the one I pray and hope that you really think about) is…..
Are you changing because you hope she will?
Did you admit your role in this to get her back OR to become a better person for YOU?
Does her lack of ownership change anything YOU do?
Think about this Crushed……Me…personally….I came to these boards to save my marriage….as many have said…what I saved was myself. What I save was me. Stop Crushed looking at her….stop letting her actions drive YOURS. Be yourself…be Crushed….and FTR, it is the hardest thing that you will do…but the most rewarding.

How do I continue to detach when W says she ready to file yet is still monitoring my phone?

How do you detach?......Hmmmmm…..it starts with one word……ACCEPTANCE…..

ACCEPTANCE that you are responsible for your actions and life – not those of another.
ACCEPTANCE that you cannot control the actions, thoughts, feelings, words…nada…nothing…of someone else.
ACCEPTANCE that Crushed….this is really YOUR life…YOU CHOOSE everything IN IT and everything NOT in it.
ACCEPTANCE that forgiveness….is such a wonderful gift…

God Bless,
Eric