I've been reading along since you started posting and I'm sorry you are going through this. You've made a lot of progress in the past couple of months and you should be proud of yourself. You have some great people posting to you over in MLC. They have much to teach you.
You are really starting to "get it". Getting it intellectually and integrating the knowledge into your behaviour is the really hard, but key part of this process.
The thing that strikes me from your post is that you had an emotional crisis yourself over the weekend, and it manifested after you'd really intellectualized the stuff you've been learning. You had a breaktrhough and understood finally that if you do truely love him and love him unconditionally - you have no option but to let go.
He wants one thing and you want another and you realise you are engaged in a battle of wills with him because you think what you want is more important than what he wants. You finally understood that what all those wise ones are talking about is that you have to let him go before he can come back. You really started to get it - but you were still weighing the concept with signficant attachment to the outcome and more than a large dash of self interest
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I had to stop and rethink a lot of things. I was in such pain and confusion. The classic question, would letting go make me lose him, or gain him back, weighed heavily on my mind
… but girl, then, then after a long conversation, where you started by laying out unconditional love and a sincere desire for your H to do what he needs to do … by the end of the convo you were back to putting conditions on how you want it to work out.
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I also promised him that as long as he was single, I would repay him by supporting him if he wanted to do the same as well after me. I let him now there were things I wanted us to do together as a family before we S, and that I also want to work at being friends if we do S as we will have to face each other for many, many special occasions and not so special occasions due to our having a child together.
Gorgeous, it’s a bit of a confusing conversation because sometimes you appear to be saying that effectively you’ve agreed to separate in 2 years (and it sounds like that’s what your H has agreed) – but I hear this sigh of relief in your post, like “whew, that was a close call, but I’ve got him to sign on for 2 years. (☺)
We can never be whole people when what we say and what we do are 2 different things. ((((Angel)))))
DBing is an incredibly important tool for relearning old inappropriate behaviours and ways of being that are no longer useful for us. You could keep your husband home for 2 years only to have to go through this again then … or you can use this opportunity to learn to trust that you don’t need to hold on so tight. You can’t control the outcome of your husband’s journey. It’s his journey and loving him means you respect him enough to accept it is his right to take that journey – in whatever way he needs to.
Detach Angel. Try to trust that the outcome will be divine and perfect. Let your husband take his journey and be honest with yourself about what compromises you are really making.
What you really found out today is that when you take the pressure off – and demonstrate to him that you are OK – he’s not trapped there, etc … then he’ll loosen up and your time together will be relaxed, loving and you’ll have an opportunity to rebuild intimacy.
Life is not a dress rehersal. You’re not living for whatever happens in 2 months or 2 years time, you must live for today. Detach from the outcome, love yourself, love your husband, love your daughter, be the best you, you can be every minute of every day without investment in where it might lead.
Stop concerning yourself with the payoff. It’s not about the payoff – it’s about the only life you have to live.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
