After I had gone dark for 3 days, WAW texted me last night and asked how I was doing.
By the grace of God, I DBd my responses tactfully enough (read: directly and without fear) to finally come out and ask her where she was at in the divorce process.
She told me she had filled them out but not had them notarized or sent to me yet. This is encouraging because I know she had seven full days off work since then and could have taken them to be notarized anytime.
Then I asked her how she was feeling about it and she said she was still feeling melancholy.
Then I went all in and asked her if she would come for another DB coaching session with me, or even just attend one on her own without me (we had our first one together 2 weeks ago).
She did not responded directly to that yet. What she said instead is
"Well it's hard for me because I feel I want so much to be alone"
Then she had to get back to work for awhile, and after that satisfying progress, I think I wobbled just a little and fell back into the old pattern of trying to control the outcome. Of trying to make things happen according to my script.
I asked her: "Would you like to hear the story of how I fell in love with you?"
And she said: "Sure. Go for it."
And that's when I digressed. I started repeating the words I had previously written and rehearsed to "make her come and love me".
After oh-my-god an hour of my diahretic texting, it suddenly occured to me that I was doing it again. I was trying to persuade her. Instead of being fully present in the moment with her.
So I immediately asked her if it was okay if I tell her this on the phone instead, and my intuition says she was probably relieved.
Next, I put away my script. I put away my words. I have put away all my motives and intentions, and when we have each other phone in about an hour from now, I am simply going to speak clearly and truthfully from my heart about how I have been falling more and more deeply in love with her with every breath I take.
Well, I got me a fine wife, I got me old fiddle When the sun's comin' up I got cakes on the griddle Life ain't nothin' but a funny, funny riddle Thank God I'm a country boy
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
