HB.....WOW is all I can say. You have been thru alot. I have some questins on some of the things you explained BUT first let me change courses, so to speak. HB, I sometimes dont know why I have not had a Crisis of my on. I came to this board after I was divorced. One....didnt know this board existed and Two.....my divorce happened VERY fast. I am sure you remember reading about it, so I wont go into it. I came here and talked to people about my ex and was SO upset, at times I dont even remember writing my posts. People here began responding to me, not knowing about ME; which they normally dont know others either. THAT sometimes can cause one to NOT understand why we act the way we do and why we DO NOT listen the first 1000 times. AND mostly why we are NOT as brave as others. This brings me to this post. I want to talk about ME..... AND WHY I am the way I am in my opinion. I am wanting to talk about this with you, because I feel like you may have some advice for me and SO you can get a better insight on me, esp. when I say the things I do. I just want you to understand where I have been in my life before my marriage. Maybe you can help.....I KNOW you are not a professional and I am NOT expecting you to fix me but I feel like you should know some things about me and MAYBE see why I am the way I am.....*and MAYBE I can figure thing out also* SIDE NOTE: I am NOT very good with words, so I hope I dont lose you and you know what I am trying to say. OK.....when I was young I had alot of good memories. Growing up in a HOLLAR in a small town where everyone knew everyone. Times were good, my Dad supported our family, my mom didnt work, she raised 2 boys and me and remained a housewife. Because my mom had NO LIFE of her own, she stayed discontent; Happy one day, sad the next; so needless to say her and dad fought alot. My younger brother eventually went to stay with our grandmother and that left me and brother at home with mom....my dad was a truckdriver all his life, so he wasnt around alot. I WAS daddys girl! OK....this is where it ges bad. My mom would get mad at my father and take it OUT ON ME. She litterly mentally abused me. I have been chased by knives, had pliers thrown at my head and woke up in the middle of the night with mom about to split my brains out with a wooden flower vase. I have been whipped with a belt buckle over the head because I refused to say Goodnight. I was told at times that if I went to sleep someone was gonna come in the house and kill me. I would come home from school some days and not be let in the house. I would sit on the front porch until I walked half a mile to my grandmothers to eat. Most days if my grandmother didnt feed me, I didnt eat. I have witnessed my mom pointin a gun point blank a my fathers face while I was standing behind him. I would slip out of the house when they fought and run down the rd. to my grandmothers in the rain, snow, whatever in a tee shirt in the middle of the night sometimes because I thought my mom was gonna kill my dad. I have closed my bedroom door to hold my mom out while she stabbed it several times with a butcher knife trying to get in; even at some point stabbing under the door at my feet. I litterly was scared to death for my life. She would aways say later she was bluffing and would never hurt me, but you couldnt tell me that at the time. Even though I witnessed all this, I was one of the best dressed students in my school and always was in the top percent of my class. I at times though felt like I was living with mommy dearest. (if you know who she is). My dad couldnt take the pressure and finally Left, leaving me behind to fend for myself and deal with everything. Afte dad left I felt so alone. I was the only granddaughter for a long time, my mom seemed to favor my brothers and so did my grandparents. I just felt alone. My dad would call and promise me he was coming to pick me up on weekends and I would sit in front of the window all day and watch for him. (well almost all day) AND he NEVER came. I felt like he left me and wasnt coming back. AND he did. I saw him some but he NEVER took me with him that I can remember. I would get to go stay with my aunt sometimes and swore that one day I was leaving and NEVER going back. Years later, I graduated and after graduation I went home packed my bags and told my mom I was leaving. At first she threatened me and told me she would NOT left me leave and if I tried she would hit me. I closed my eyes and walked past her leaving her for good. I never ran from her this time. I left there and never returned for a long time. I went back to visit not even 10 times during the next 25 yrs. My grandfather passed away and I could NOT even go then. The thought of driving toward that place litterly made me sick to my stomach. My mom continued over the years to fight with me when she could. I resented her so much and never wanted to visit her. She developed a blood disorder and suffered years with it. I would try to talk to her because I loved her regardless of the person she was. BUT I never went back. Two yrs. ago my mom passed away. I was with her the last two days of her life. About two months before she died, she constantly told me she loved me very much. I told her I loved her too. I never went to see her in the hospital until the last few days of her life. My mom was in and out alot in the last months. BUT this time was differnt, she knew and think I knew she wasnt coming home. Never in my 44 years of living did I ever hardly KISS my mom. There was very few times we were close that way. The day before she died I was by her side and I held her hand and kissed it, I told her I loved her and I always did. I told her before she died that I forgave her. I miss my mom so much. Its like now I miss the times we didnt have. I never missed them before. I feel like I was cheated. Shortly after dealing with all this. Two weeks,,,,,just two weeks after the funeral my h asked me for a divorce. I honestly dont know how I would have made it, if God had not of been there with me. I would look up at the sky at night and pray for my moms help. AND now going thru this with my son, I feel like I am being punished for leaving my mother. This, I know is why I hang on to whomever or whatever will love me back......even if its just a little. I hate being alone! I hate not feeling loved. My mom, my dad, my h, and my son deserted me. That is why I cant get alone. Do you see why now? I am sorry this post was so long, but please any insight or advice you can give me I will take. HB....I do love my guy I am with now. I dont know if God wants me with him, but I know I dont want to be alone and he is good to me. We have are bad times mainly because I am insecure, I am trying to protect myself from someone else leaving me in my life. I want to add that I was sent a message by God during my divorce or shortly after, I cant remember; the message was that the worst was yet to come but if I put it in his hands, I would be well pleased. A young man propheised to me. (dont know if yu believe in prophecy or not). I know God is going to take care of me. I know he is with me every step of the way and has been. I am trying to lay it ALL at his feet. That is my story. I welcome ANY input you have and Thank you so much for taking the time to post to me.
