Trust me... I know that it's hard... very hard. But we need to get your W missing you and wondering what you're doing... wondering if she may actually lose you for good.
The only way there is a very tough road. It isn't decorated with flowers and dancing unicorns.
BITS Denver
It would be cool if it were, though, right?
I kid but yes, it is hard.
Denver is hitting the point exactly. It's funny because sometimes you feel that you are not in control. But the irony is that you are. You can control this situation by going dark. In this dance she will come closer.
It doesn't happen all the time but in my case and many others here, it does.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
I understand, I am getting a better idea of how to handle this. I know that she does still check our joint account. I purposely used that tonight. I know if she see's that I went out to see some music, she will notice. A game right?
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
now here's the weird part about the "game". Make sure you're doing things for yourself and not for your W to find out about it. I don't mean to make it that sort of game.
Maybe game is the wrong word. Maybe dance is better. Someone has to lead and someone has to follow. In a weird way, by going dark, you are leading. By her trying to find out what you are doing is following.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
A new day and a fresh mind. I feel each day I am getting closer to the mind set I need to be in. I was thinking about it on the way to work this morning. I feel good about myself! I am proud of what I am doing. I have found a strength I didn't know I had.
Now for the difficult part of what I thought about this morning. I know I need to continue to better myself. The part that makes it so hard is the things I want to change are addiction. Smoking and drinking. The drinking I have controlled pretty well lately. Definitely not where I was, but also not where I want to be. The smoking is going to be very diffcult right now. It has been a huge crutch through this. As a matter of fact, I think my smoking has doubled since this all started.
I know this needs to be my next move to be the person I want to be, unfortunately, it is going to be extremely difficult.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
In your mind you are telling yourself "it is going to be extremely difficult". Why is that? Try to change your self-talk. "I can do this as long as I keep trying" and "I am in complete control of myself".
Small changes. Baby steps. Count how many times you smoke a day and then reduce it by one. Once you are consistent, reduce it again. Take as long as you need, just make sure you are always improving.
Consider introducing some cardiovascular exercise also. Running etc. Something that will motivate you to quit in order to have more lung capacity. Again, small small steps. Don't try to gung ho it.
As long as you are always willing to keep pressing forward, you can do it. If something appears to be exremely difficult, break it down into much smaller more manageable steps, and then just shoot for the first one.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
The finance situation for my W and I have been a little complicated. She opened a new account and starting today her paychecks are now going to that account. This month is a transition period since she has still been using our joint account. To make a long story short, basically I reconciled the expenditures and she owes me some $$$. We have talked about how the finances are going to work and she seems to be in agreement with it.
Basically, I want some advice on how to communicate to her the amount she owes me, and to reinforce the fact that she needs to stop using our joint account since her checks are no longer going there. While being 'dark' is it OK to call/text to let her know? Should I wait? Any advice on how to word it?
Thanks
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
"Hi W. I just finished reconciled the expenditures and this is what I came up with... . Let me know what you think."
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
